The Vampire Diaries: Too Terrible to Die

So pretty. So very, very pretty.

The first time I watched The Vampire Diaries, I was like “what is this crap?” There were teenagers and vampires literally reading ALOUD from their diaries.

Her: Dear Diary, I met him today, he is so amazing! Too bad my parents just died and I am filled with angst.

Him: Dear Diary, she smells so good, I want to eat her, I love her. Too bad I have so many secrets.

Oh, sweet bebe jesus it was awful. All I could think was “is it Twilight? Is it My So Called Life? WTF is it?”

But I stuck with it. Continue reading

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A Terrible Star Hits The Small Screen

Walking calamity Lindsay Lohan graces our televisions tonight in what is sure to be a terrible made-for-tv-movie, Liz & Dick. Don’t get too excited, it’s only a Lifetime movie, so it’s about the Richard Burton kind of dick (as opposed to the Cinemax variety), with Lindsay Lohan playing the legendary Elizabeth Taylor. Continue reading

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Arrow: Terribly Green, but Also Shirtless

Are two shirtless posts in a row too much? Oh well, no existential angst here.

I started this show a couple of episodes into the season, so I may be missing some of the nuances here, maybe some complex and deeply subtle storytelling but, I really don’t think so.

Arrow is the story of Oliver Queen. Stranded on an island for 5 years after the death of his father (and girlfriend’s sister!) in a yachting accident – of all things – he has returned to the city of his birth to right the wrongs of the world. Following a laundry list of villains left to him by his dear old dad, naturally.

Oh, so much fertile ground for Terrible Television and we haven’t even gotten to the crux of it – his weapon of choice is a BOW AND ARROW! I think I’ll poor me a little cava (like champagne! Only cheaper!) and tune in. Continue reading

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Guys With Kids: Terrible News

We’ve come so far from this moment of extreme stupidity

I am sorry to say that Guys with Kids has jumped the Terrible Television shark and become, dare I say it, not Terrible. In fact, my husband spent a significant portion of last night’s episode laughing his proverbial, but very real, ass off. And, don’t tell him I said this, but he wasn’t wrong. It was funny.

So RIP, Guys with Kids Parental Fail, and long live Guys with Kids Not A Terrible Show. I’m off to drown my sorrows in an un-oaked chardonnay. Perhaps the acidity will burn away the bitter taste in my mouth.

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Survivor: How Do You Not Know That’s Blair?

As three of you may know, I watch Survivor religiously. Like, every episode of every season. And, as a [mumble mumble]-year-old woman, I’ve also seen every episode of every season of The Facts of Life. So when Blair Warner Lisa Whelchel hurled herself onto the beach of Survivor Philippines, I let out a bit of a squee. But you know who didn’t care? Everyone else on the beach. And I don’t get it. Continue reading

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Ben & Kate: Bring on the Mommyjuice

Oh yeah baby, pour me some of that Veronique

So I got home from my first ever parent/teacher conference, kicked out our superlative nanny, poured a glass of wine and turned on the tube. Lo and behold! A terrible show I’ve never seen before. Ben & Kate. Continue reading

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666: Fasten Your Seatbelts

Wanna go for a drive? 

Back with my belated recap of 666 Park Avenue. In the words of Scarlett O’Hara ‘God as mah witness, I will try to be better about my re-capping!’ Or something like that. Lets have some demi-sec sparkling riesling and embrace the dark side, shall we? Continue reading

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The Walking Dead: And Baby Makes Braaaaiiinnnz

You can call her Sophia.2 all you want, but I’m calling her Baby Shane. Yes, The Walking Dead has added a youngin to its ranks, and we all know what happens when you add a child to the cast of a television show. Yup. The show turns to crap. But hey, who knows. Maybe this time it’ll be different. I mean, a screaming baby is certainly something nobody wants during a zombie apocalypse, right? It’d be just as useful as a one-legged senior citizen. So I look forward to seeing how this whole baby storyline pans out because it has the potential to go Cousin Oliver real fast.

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Couples Therapy: Reality, Fakery, and Dourtney

This is your  therapist… she will break it down for you and even use four-letter words whilst doing it. That’s my kind of therapy! 

Oh Reality Television… where oh where have you taken us? You have taken us to the wonderful world of Couples Therapy on VH1. It is so fascinating, so awful, so incredibly raw and fake, contrived and, dare I say it, real, that it is terrible and wonderful at the same time.

Its like a constructive train wreck… if such a thing is possible.

One of the featured couples on the show, Courtney Stoddard and Doug Hutchison got the boot this week, and thus departs the Couple Most Likely to Become a Lifetime Movie of the Week.

Dourtney, I will miss you. You and your fake boobs, hooker shoes and creepy man/child love. Your inappropriate behavior would have made for a good drinking game. I guess I’ll have to watch more episodes to come up with something new.

This was Dourtney – a name of their own creation…

This represents the collective response to Dourtney on the show.

Dourtney was kicked off for flashing too much vag, nip and, to my mind, too little wit.

Now don’t you want to watch?

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