Welcome back to The Soap Opera Before The Storm! Below are a few observations about some of our favorite characters in what is looking like their final moments of life. It all begins with Bran sitting in his wheelchair in the snow, staring at a tree like an unpublished Edward Gorey book. All this absurdist tableau needs is a deep, meaningful conversation with a dwarf….

Speaking of Tyrion Lannister, the most prescient bit of foreshadowing has got to be his two cents about sister Cersei’s complete and utter failure to send any Lannister troops to Winterfell, save for her one-handed and dispirited brother, Jaimie:

Maybe after I’m dead, I’ll march down to King’s Landing and rip her apart.

Yes, Tyrion. Maybe you will. And maybe so will a whole lot of other previously-alive-but-not-exactly-dead characters. That’s the big flaw in the battle plan–the more soldiers you lose, the more wights they have, the quicker the battle ends very poorly for the living.

Before there’s the inevitable un-death, there’s the Game Of Thrones Reunion Special starring fan favorite pairings like Sir Jaimie and Lady Brienne. Perhaps it’s the general sense of impending doom, but it seems like these two have finally realized that the love is real. When Sir Jaimie knights Lady, er, Sir Brienne, at the world’s last and most dismal slumber party…I know we were all hoping for a kiss. But, the knowing eye contact was truly twice as sweet. Except…someone should probably tell Big Red that Big Blonde is pretty much taken. Or at least extremely smitten.

Speaking of sweet pairings, the only two black people in Winterfell are already planning a post-war skeedaddle because Winterfell is looking about as white as a Canadian hockey game. I hope these two lovebirds make it back to sunshine and palm trees, but if I’ve learned anything from horror movies, they’re beyond doomed.

Arya and The Hound have always been a great team, but…ew. What isn’t ew, however, is the new hot little power couple Arya and Gendry! With only hours to go before the Battle Royale, Arya spends her final moments with the handsome blacksmith…who lets her know that he’s really a Baratheon. When Arya questions how many women Gendry has been with, I can’t tell if she’s jealous, or trying to find out if there are potential seedlings with proper claims to the Iron Throne. Aaaaaaand robes drop, torchlights flicker, love is made, and I think we may be looking at the future King and Queen of The Seven Kingdoms! Seriously, forget my prior predictions, my new best guess is that these two make it out alive.

There are also a few minor pairings that were never meant to be:

• Samwell Tarly and his family sword are soon parted since Sam isn’t even strong enough to hold valyrian steel upright. Without a sword to protect his family, I’m guessing his time in the crypt will be shorter than Ned Stark’s time in King’s Landing.
• Telling Tyrion Lannister “we’re out of wine” is ill advised because there is nothing that separates that man from his tipsy goblet.
• Now that they’ve been outed as Much Too Squickily Related, Daenerys Targaryen and Aegon “Jon Snow” Targaryen are no longer chasing waterfalls. In fact, I’m more than a little worried for Jon Snow’s wellbeing since Dany notes that, “If it were true, it’d make you the last male heir to House Targaryen. You’d have a claim to the Iron Throne.” And we all know she can’t have a male heir make it out of this battle alive.

The zombies are finally here! Yay! That means next week, our friends from The Seven Kingdoms start dropping faster than you can say Mance Rayder. But don’t worry! They’ll soon start reanimating so that they can kill even more of our friends, until all that’s left are…I don’t know…that’s the big question, isn’t it?

by