Well hello there, and welcome back to my television-adjacent brain dribblings! Because the world is just one big water cooler, I don’t want to discuss last night’s episode of Game Of Thrones. What? Huh? No. Instead, I want to discuss my predictions for the rest of this last and final season. Ready, go!
1. Bran Stark (GoT) is Carl Grimes (TWD), so the two will meet the same fate. Yes, they’re two different actors on two different shows. And no, Bran has never worn a stupid hat (which in itself is stupid because he’s outdoors a lot and Winterfell looks absolutely frigid). But that creepy thousand yard stare they both do, and their shared ability to suck the life out of an otherwise serviceable scene? Samesies. So it makes perfect sense that Bran suffer the same fate as Carl—a fatal wound North of The Wall, causing a loved one to burn him alive in order to avoid Zombie Bran weirding us all out for yet another episode.
2. All other claims to the throne will die except Arya, Sansa, and Tyrion. One caveat—this does not include Yara Greyjoy, who smartly skedaddled off to an island that can’t be reached by the White Walkers, as all sensible people should do. Anyway, with Arya off on an adventure to kill the Night King using her spiffy new dragon glass weapon (or as she calls it, Tuesday…more on that below), that leaves Sansa and Tyrion to rule the Iron Throne as husband and wife. Which they kind of already are, but technically not, but the details will just have to work themselves out. These two are all about practicality, and if a loveless marriage between a Stark and a Lannister that would bring stability to a chaotic world and, yeah, massive amounts of power for the miserable couple, that’s a bargain Sansa and Tyrion would gladly enter into. At least until one of them tried to kill the other in an as-of-yet-unannounced sequel Game of Thrones: Marriage Edition, but that’s a show for another day.
3. Daenerys Targaryen will kill Jon Snow. Little Miss “Bend The Knee” is going to get her non-existent panties in a bunch when she learns that her boyfriend has a better claim to The Throne than his Auntie Dany. Which is why she’ll kill him. And Sam Tarly, because he knows too much. And also because she already killed the rest of the Tarlys, so what’s one more? But enough of this love story, let’s get back to the zombie apocalypse.
4. As I mentioned above, Arya kills the Night King. And what does Arya do when she kills super bad villains? She takes their face so that she can kill even more super bad villains. And, ultimately, that’s what wins the war—Arya wearing the Night King’s face, killing the zombie dragon and the rest of the White Walkers, and she’ll get zero credit for it because she’s just a kid. I’m totally unclear on the math in all of this because shouldn’t all of the White Walkers die once the Night King is slain? But trust me, it’s an epic battle scene that all works out nicely in my head.
5. Bran cuts off Jamie’s other arm as even-steven for his two useless legs. I mean, why not? Is there better poetic justice for a legless Bran than watching a handsome, gallant swordsman unable to grab his sword(s)?
So. What’s the over-under on any of these? Doesn’t matter. With one episode down, none of us has even a tiny inkling of how this show is going to wrap up. And for a show about zombies set in a glorified, fantastical version of the Middle Ages where anything is possible, it’s entirely possible that all of my predictions will come true once we snow-crunch our way through the season. Also, they really should’ve had Tyrion Lannister stand in the front row for that Season 8 cast photo….by