Katrina and Karena are off to Maui to film Beach Babe Number Two: The Legend of Poop. Katrina must wear a neck brace on camera because sadface. And if Katrina has to wear one, then Karena has to wear one, too. That’s how seriously they are taking this “injury.” Continue reading
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A man strapped to stretcher is wheeled into a hospital. Ooh! Scary! He must have shrapnel removed, and even speaking with him scares the crap out of the nurse. He starts freaking out over glowing eyes, which means he sees wolves? Or…something else? The surgeon jokingly suggests letting him bleed out, and then some gross blob tumor explodes in the patient’s guts and I think it was filled with flies, and then the patient gets up and skeedaddles out of the hospital. Well, that ain’t normal. Continue reading
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Dr. Krieger is building some very loud robots while Archer whines that the government seized his penthouse. Malory was the only one smart enough to put her assets in someone else’s name, probably because she was the only one who knew that ISIS was not a legit secret governmental organization. Her plan is to move the entire stash of cocaine to Miami because they can’t just have a yard sale. This requires Lana, Archer, and Pam to transport the coke in a full-bodied cast worn by, well, yeah. Pam. If she can avoid absorbing the drugs through her sweat glands, she should be just fine. Continue reading
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Hannah is chopping off Adam’s hair when he gets a call from his sister, Caroline. Her boyfriend kicked her out of the car on the side of a highway and Hannah invites her to stay in their spare room. Let me explain the concept of a spare room in New York City. If you’re twenty-four years old, spare rooms are not a part of your vocabulary. This is especially so for young people who work in coffee shops and other entry-level jobs. Heck, bedrooms don’t even exist. If this show was anywhere close to reality, Hannah would be living in a cardboard box underneath a bridge. And not a good bridge. It’d be, like, the Kosciuszko Bridge. Continue reading
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It’s only nine minutes in, and Flowers In The Attic is already the schlockiest movie ever, even by Lifetime standards. Continue reading
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Karena hasn’t dated in a long time because nobody wants to be benchpressed by their girlfriend. Also, she has no game. And next week, the girls are off to Hawaii to film a DVD for the Exercise Tape Historical Museum. They claim to have sold 30,000 units last year, which, what? Who buys exercise DVDs? Did a third-world country buy them in bulk? Perhaps someone is using them for an art installation? Aaaand a small dog pees on the rug. How appropriate. Continue reading
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Two dudes lost their shirts and are attached to an electrocuted chainlink fence by bad guys who want to know where “maloba” is, but they have no idea what they’re talking about at all. Out comes the scary chainsaw, and a creepy lady armed with a spoon calls off the hounds. “Where is the shewolf?” Okay, so that spoon is more like a very sharp knife, and she chips off Peter’s claw. I mean his finger. Eew? Continue reading
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