Archer Season 5, Episode 2: A Kiss While Dying


Dr. Krieger is building some very loud robots while Archer whines that the government seized his penthouse. Malory was the only one smart enough to put her assets in someone else’s name, probably because she was the only one who knew that ISIS was not a legit secret governmental organization. Her plan is to move the entire stash of cocaine to Miami because they can’t just have a yard sale. This requires Lana, Archer, and Pam to transport the coke in a full-bodied cast worn by, well, yeah. Pam. If she can avoid absorbing the drugs through her sweat glands, she should be just fine.

Back at Malory’s lair, Cheryl practices her singing and Cyril practices his lawyering. He’s planning a Laundromat business to launder the drug money for their new little cartel, and looks forward to Malory micromanaging the entire operation.

The trio arrives in Miami and checks into a motel that Lana hopes is just mildewy and not “mildewy and dead hookery.” What they didn’t expect was the stench when Pam removed her cast. “Ugh! This smells like a kennel, but for dogs that are poor!” When Lana starts picking through the case file, she worries that they know pretty much nothing about Malory’s contacts. But Archer isn’t worried since they are uniquely suited to transferring their skill from espionage to criminal activity.

Oh, jeez. Pam is naked in the bathroom, eating her cocaine cast like a cross between a really bad episode of My Strange Addiction and an even worse episode of Celebrity Rehab: Where Are They Now?

Finally the beach and some cartoon booty. Sadly, Archer is still knocked out from wrestling the cocaine cast away from Pam. A man named Ramon brings Archer back to life from his “headsmash.” He knows some “maybe people” in exchange for a finder’s fee, of course. So that he can buy the best club in Miami. Archer is already picturing his red leather banquette Miami drug cartel office.

Charles and Rudy are Ramon’s contacts. They return a fondue set that is short one blue fork and a suitcase filled with cash, but decide to take the cocaine and the money, and the fondue set. Archer says it’s all Ramon’s fault, so he has to take them to recover the stolen cash. And maybe some more cocaine for Pam.

Things don’t go so well and Ramon shoots Charles or Rudy, and Rudy or Charles shoots Ramon, and someone shoots the last man standing. Ramon’s dying words are muy complicado so he can’t explain, but Archer should take the money and kiss him “with what appeared to be tongue” before he dies.

After all that, the money is counterfeit. Was it a scam? Lana imagines blood packs and blanks. Which is probably right, because Ramon, Charles, and Rudy are soaking in a hot tub with a floating tray full of cocaine, planning their next fondue party.

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