Hannah is chopping off Adam’s hair when he gets a call from his sister, Caroline. Her boyfriend kicked her out of the car on the side of a highway and Hannah invites her to stay in their spare room. Let me explain the concept of a spare room in New York City. If you’re twenty-four years old, spare rooms are not a part of your vocabulary. This is especially so for young people who work in coffee shops and other entry-level jobs. Heck, bedrooms don’t even exist. If this show was anywhere close to reality, Hannah would be living in a cardboard box underneath a bridge. And not a good bridge. It’d be, like, the Kosciuszko Bridge.
Anyway, Adam doesn’t want Caroline to stay with them for reasons that have yet to be revealed. He says that she destroys everything in her wake, and that Hannah just has to trust him on this one. So Hannah asks Caroline to leave, but she’s all bruised in an abusey way, so Hannah invites Caroline to her birthday party because that’s the antidote for spousal abuse.
Oh hahahahaha, Marnie made an auto-tuned version of an Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians song which you are all too young to recognize, and there’s an awful video that’s gonna go all Rebecca Black but she can’t take it down without Charlie’s password.
To celebrate her birthday, Hannah’s parents pay for her friends to booze it up at a bar. Shoshanna shows up in a ridiculous black leather minithing and Marnie wears floral, as if she’s auditioning for a role in a Florida retirement community. Then Marnie shows them the video that she claims Charlie made her do, and they must be really, really good friends because nobody laughs.
Adam’s sister hits on Ray, and she’s just as intense as her brother and possibly twice as bonkers because she bites his arm. Ray then meets Shoshanna’s new boyfriend, Coby, who is way cooler than he is, so that’s got to hurt. Ugh, this bar is so Brooklyn, if Brooklyn was the whitest place on the planet. Ray spots Shoshanna smoking out front and goes outside to talk to her, awkwardly. He tells her that he doesn’t think he wants to be her friend, or be polite to her, or do the small talk thing, and “cool cigarette.”
Marnie can’t let a microphone go to waste so she interrupts the band to get up on stage to toast Hannah and forces Hannah to sing a duet. In the other room, Ray gets punched in the face by Hannah’s editor over a song.
For her birthday, Adam gives Hannah his tooth on a string. She loves it. She loves it so much. They go home to have sex, but Adam’s sister is there, pantsless, and jeez lady, groom that thing. Caroline breaks a glass in her hand because that is one berserko gene pool.
Reprinted from SurvivingCollege.com
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