Joe Gorga is digging a pit using “the good dirt,” and..is that a leg sticking out of the ground? No matter. Joe Gorga and Melissa are going to be on a billboard for Shnizzle Tan, which is hilarious since I’m not sure who would voluntarily turn their skin that particular shade of Real Housewives Orange. Continue reading
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According to the New York Post and, like, every other reputable publication, human dolphin Teresa Guidice and her charming canned ham, Joe Guidice, were indicted on thirty-nine counts of fraud in federal court in Newark, New Jersey today. The charges arise out of bankruptcy fraud, the submission of fraudulent mortgage and other loan documents, and the couples’ failure to file five years’ worth of tax returns. The happy couple face up to thirty years in the Real Jailhouse of New Jersey, and a fine of up to one million dollars that they sooooo don’t have.
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Ugh, this again? Teresa’s still dolphin-squeaking, Joe Gorga’s hair is still dripping down his forehead, and Doctor V. is still picking at a festering sore. That’s both a metaphor, and entirely literal. Continue reading
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Last week ended with Joe Gorga using his head as a battering ram into Joe Giudice’s voluminous gut because Joe Gorga called Teresa “scum.” This week isn’t much better. “Teresa, help your brother!” Teresa runs out of the room yelling, “Call the cops!” Someone says, “He’s biting my nuts,” elbows are being thrown, for some reason Melissa rushes over to put Joe Gorga’s hat back on his thick head. Then, the women start shrieking at each other while team builders Steve and Stephanie silently circle the room, waiting for an opportunity to introduce trust exercises. Continue reading
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The show opens with Melissa teaching her three children how to dance like strippers as she and Joe Gorga pack for the big retreat. Joe Gorga only wants to go so that he can confront Teresa, which seems like a totally healthy way to approach family counseling. Kathy and Rich have no idea why they were even invited in the first place, so they pack extra booze. The only person who seems to really want to be there is Rosie, so good on her. Continue reading
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Kathy
Jacqueline and Caroline visit Kathy in her test kitchen. Caroline loves it, except that it’s in a scary neighborhood. Rosie arrives to talk about her meeting with Teresa. It got heated, blah blah blah, and everyone’s going on a retreat. Except they don’t want to go. Continue reading
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Melissa
Melissa’s husband, JoeGorga, pulls up in the driveway saying, “Bitch, yer wife, yer wife, yer f**king wife, bitch,” which I assume is a song? He’s pissed. He had a rough afternoon and doesn’t want to talk in front of his daughter. It’s about his run-in with Teresa at the gym. It turns out Melissa actually did what Teresa said she did, and now JoeGorga is pissed because it’s his sister and “don’t talk sh*t about my sister.” He’s nothing if not eloquent. In other words, he’s nothing. Continue reading
by Reprinted with permission from www.moderndaymom.com
Caroline
Caroline’s sister, Fran, who is mooching off of Caroline along with Caroline’s deadbeat daughter, brings a pig to the house. Like, an actual pig and not one of her son’s dates. Continue reading
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Reprinted with permission from www.moderndaymom.com
Caroline
Caroline’s daughter, Lauren, calls herself “a grown-ass woman,” but her father reminds her that she is a grown-ass woman mooching off of her parents. Caroline’s sister, Fran, is also living in Caroline’s house and is considerate enough of a houseguest to take in a three-legged foster dog. Continue reading
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Reprinted with permission from www.moderndaymom.com
Welcome to another calm, peaceful, uneventful season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, where blood is thicker than war-der. Ha, just kidding. They’re all ready to kill each other, or at least take a swipe at Teresa’s weave. Continue reading
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