RHNJ Episode 3: Gym Rats

Reprinted with permission from www.moderndaymom.com

Caroline

Caroline’s sister, Fran, who is mooching off of Caroline along with Caroline’s deadbeat daughter, brings a pig to the house. Like, an actual pig and not one of her son’s dates. The pig’s name is Moo Shu, because irony minus creativity equals reality television. Fran suggests sleeping in the garage with the pig, but Caroline offers to stay in Hoboken so that Fran and the pig can have the run of the house.

Teresa

JoeGuidice takes his twelve-year-old daughter, Gia, out for ice cream and learns that his other daughter told Gia that she has “a hairy grew,” which I don’t even want to Google. She also gets asked out on a lot of dates, and JoeGuidice tells her that she can’t give boys anything they want, which is fairly decent advice.

Teresa is at the gym with her friend Linda. They are talking about Gia’s birthday party and Teresa feels “cautiously optimistic” that her brother JoeGorga will attend. At some indeterminate amount of time later, Teresa gets a call from her mother that her father had to go into the hospital. She claims to put her life on hold when it comes to her father’s health, yet still manages to take her kids to the salon to get their hair done for Gia’s birthday party.

Jacqueline

JoeGorga is putting together a hyperbaric oxygen chamber bed for his son, which is a type of therapy for children with autism. But rather than continue paying attention to her son, Jacqueline takes a break to talk to Caroline about the all-important topic of Teresa. Caroline tells her that Teresa wants Jacqueline to give her an apology. Caroline then calls the full family together for a meeting to tell everyone about her conversation with Teresa, because if it wasn’t for Caroline’s conversation with Teresa, she would have no camera time. I mean, seriously. She even hijacked Jacqueline’s portion of the recap!

Kathy

Kathy and Rich’s idiot kid, Joseph, takes the (likely rented) Ferrari out for a spin with Aunt Rosie. When Kathy and Rich get home and find the car missing, the father threatens to “ring his f*cking neck.” But instead of doing the world a great favor, Rich puts his arm around Joseph and makes fun of Kathy for being pissed off. In other words, there are zero repercussions, and no lesson learned.

Melissa

Melissa goes to the gym with Kathy to talk about why JoeGorga is too sick to visit his father in the hospital. Melissa claims that JoeGorga has 103 fever, which is probably not true at all. Jacqueline was supposed to meet up with them for the workout but has some kind of driving disorder, combined with not wanting to be seen working out in public. They spot “that skinny bitch” Linda at the gym, and the ladies suspect that Teresa sent her there to spy on them. As if on cue, Linda calls Teresa to report in because everybody on this show is a tween. Teresa notes that Melissa has time to go to the gym but hasn’t bothered to stop by the hospital to visit her father-in-law. Which, good point.

Melissa gets her kids ready for Gia’s party by spraying aerosol hairspray in their faces (who uses that anymore? Like, how much do you have to hate the planet to use aerosol hairspray?). JoeGorga recommends spitting in Kim D.’s face if she gives Melissa any lip. Well, for a man with 103 fever, he’s pretty feisty and not at all sweaty.

The Party Everyone Has Been Tawking About

The event involves more neon than I’ve ever seen before, and a cake that is shaped like a woman’s private parts (with Gia’s name misspelled). Teresa tells Gia that she wants to be her biffle, which means “Best Friends For Life.” Might be more important to want to be her bimfle, but whatever.

Melissa arrives with her kids and Gia is very happy to see them. Melissa claims that JoeGorga was rushed to the hospital two nights ago with 104 fever (wow, it just keeps going up!), which raises questions about whether or not Melissa got to see her father-in-law. She says that she visited him in the hospital, but Teresa is not convinced. Melissa then embellishes the story by saying she spent the whole day there with her kid and calls Teresa a liar for calling her a liar. There’s the typical Storming Out Of The Party routine, and when Melissa gathers up her kids to leave, the birthday girl is the only voice of reason and asks everyone to stop fighting at her party. Then, Gia’s friends smear the x-rated cake all over her face, and everyone is happy.

Next week, Melissa is writing “an actual advice book.”

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