Kathy

Jacqueline and Caroline visit Kathy in her test kitchen. Caroline loves it, except that it’s in a scary neighborhood. Rosie arrives to talk about her meeting with Teresa. It got heated, blah blah blah, and everyone’s going on a retreat. Except they don’t want to go. 

Kathy, Rich, Melissa and JoeGorga go to an exotic dance workshop. Rich explains that he’s fantasized about Melissa because of all the rumors that she used to be a stripper. And she does not disappoint because she’s kind of a pro during the class and offers Kathy more tips than the instructor.

Teresa

Teresa makes her entire family wear stupid looking aprons. Her parents show up to make sausage. But this isn’t just any sausage, it’s 800 lbs of sausage. I’m not sure I want to know why a family needs that much sausage, but whatever.

Teresa goes out with her friends, including Kim D. and some chick who is also best friends with Melissa and explains how ridiculous it is that Melissa is writing a relationship book when she had an affair.

Melissa

JoeGorga and Rich go to the driving range where it is clear that Rich has never played golf before. Since JoeGorga has such anger issues, he is good at bashing balls with a stick.  Then, Teresa calls JoeGorga to invite him to a retreat and do “trusting exercises.”

Melissa explains her book, “Love, Italian Style,” to her friends. It’s a book about the secrets to her marriage. Her friends are pulling faces that are equal parts supportive and suspicious.

Later, a realtor takes Melissa out to lunch. Conveniently, the realtor was also out with Teresa when everyone was talking about Melissa. She relays all of the information, which Melissa doesn’t quite believe. Good thing it’s all on television! Later that night, with the entire family minus Teresa, Melissa confronts Kim D. about her role in the rumor mill. When Teresa’s name is mentioned, Jacqueline turns Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Then Melissa makes out with JoeGorga to prove to everyone how strong their marriage is, and tells Kim D., “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, you should go jump off the Gee Doubleyoo.” That’s very, very deep.

Caroline

Caroline goes out for a romantic dinner with her husband, Albert. Caroline attributes the success of her marriage to the little amount of time they spend together, which is certainly a unique approach to marriage.

Jacqueline

Jacqueline and Kathy go shopping for outfits that are two sizes too small. Kathy gets a phone call from Teresa about the retreat and half invites Jacqueline. Because it’s on speaker phone, Jacqueline chimes in and it becomes a battle of, “Honey,” and, “Bitch,” ending in Teresa resorting to, “La la la la la la la I’m not listening la la la” before Teresa accuses Jacqueline of being a stalker and dares her to go on the retreat.

Next week, the least peaceful retreat ever.

Photo: bravotv.com

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