Reprinted with permission from www.hautetalk.com

After Betsey Johnson’s Best Show Ever, it’s Betsey’s Birthday Week. Betsey now has to “connect to the computer world,” which is the final step in her three-point plan to relaunch her brand. Jeez. She wants to sell you her crap on her website. This’ll be rich.  Betsey focuses on her website by looking like Iggy Pop’s discarded remains during a tanning slash lunch session.

Betsey and Brandon are trying to figure out the website photo shoot which I am quite certain has already been resolved by a team of overworked graphic designers. She wants to go with a Grease theme, because her customer is the sweet rocker chick and Rizzo. They do the hand jive, and it’s settled.

Betsey and LuLu go to couples therapy, again. Betsey talks about losing one of her implants during a mammography, and having indications of breast cancer. So she goes to visit Patricia Field, and they talk like two old broads who have smoked too many cigarettes. “Whateryagonnado? Norma Kamali said the same thing to me years ago. She said, ‘What am I gonna do? Go home to my mother?’”

To resolve all issues, Betsey and LuLu go for mammograms. Betsey didn’t feel a squish or anything, but LuLu’s fake knockers are another story. The doctor needs to speak to her. The mammogram showed, “a little something there,” and the doctor needs to do a biopsy. “There’s a spot that doesn’t belong on your left breast.” Because Betsey battled breast cancer, this is a big deal. So the doctor recommends sleeping pills and/or Xanax, which, yeah. Totally not related to anything involving a mammogram.

After the doctor’s visit, LuLu meets with her friends and acts like she’s the only woman in the world to ever find a spot on a mammogram. One of her friends had “the beginning of cancer” years ago, so she knows. The other one wears a hat in a restaurant, so she knows, too. LuLu goes for her biopsy, and when she gets the test results, she learns that the biopsy came back “okay,” which is apparently a technical term? Well, good for her. The doctor then kicks LuLu and Betsey out of his office because he has “real patients to see.” And he isn’t the least bit kidding. To celebrate, Betsey and LuLu go for cocktails and order Champagne, or as it’s known in the Johnson household, “the usual.”

Betsey’s website is the final stop in her relaunch with Madden. She looks at the test shots from the 1950s diner photo shoot, and changes a sundae to a strawberry float and updates a hairstyle, because that has anything to do with her clothing and accessory designs. Then, Betsey puts on leather hot pants and fishnet stockings that should never, ever be worn on a seventy-year-old.

Later that week, Betsey greets LuLu at the door and coincidence! They each have a glass of Champagne in hand! LuLu takes Betsey to a surprise birthday party in the garment district. Surprise! This’ll show up on your credit card statement!

Next week, Lulu and Betsey Johnson embarrass America in front of Tokyo.

by