Real Housewives of New Jersey, Episode 7: When Joes Collide

Real Housewives New Jersey Retreat

The show opens with Melissa teaching her three children how to dance like strippers as she and Joe Gorga pack for the big retreat. Joe Gorga only wants to go so that he can confront Teresa, which seems like a totally healthy way to approach family counseling. Kathy and Rich have no idea why they were even invited in the first place, so they pack extra booze. The only person who seems to really want to be there is Rosie, so good on her.

Everyone other than Teresa and Joe Guidice are getting to the retreat via party bus, complete with a stripper pole.  Well, everyone other than Caroline, who has decided that she doesn’t need to make amends with Teresa. And Jacqueline, who says she would rather get all of her lips waxed. So essentially it’s a monstrous bus for five people, because that’s not at all wasteful.

Teresa and Joe Guidice arrive first and are greeted by the Innkeeper who is clearly unfamiliar with the Real Housewives franchise because he is “very, very excited about having you guys here.” When the remainder of the guests arrive, Teresa shows everyone around the “castle,” as if it’s her own home. It’s a good sign that everyone immediately starts drinking, right?

Lunch is awkwardly quiet until Rosie explains the activities planned for the weekend. The first part of the counseling is lead by team builders who will coax everyone into getting along with each other. Then, Doctor V. will teach communication.

Team builders Steve and Stephanie arrive all hopeful and cheery, completely unaware of the level of insanity they are up against. Steve explains the process, causing everyone to zone out. Then he leads a strange version of musical chairs that involves a lot of groping. Melissa notes that Joe Guidice was really into the game because his brain could understand the concept of what they were doing.

Even though Jacqueline chose not to attend, Teresa finds a way to make it all about Jacqueline. Steve tries to switch the focus back to the people who are in attendance, and Stephanie goes to her happy place. There’s yelling and screeching from Teresa and Melissa, Rosie and Joe Guidice step out onto the balcony for a glass of brown liquid on the rocks, Steve has completely lost control of the group, and Stephanie is updating her resume.

Fighting, fighting, fighting, Joe Gorga calls Teresa scum, Teresa goes out to the balcony to tell Joe Guidice that Joe Gorga called her scum, Joe Gorga storms back into the “castle” and demands an apology from Joe Guidice, and Joe Guidice barrels into Joe Gorga like an angry bull. Punching, hitting, shrieking, and Stephanie files a hostile work environment claim.

Next week, even more fisticuffs!

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