Ugh, this again? Teresa’s still dolphin-squeaking, Joe Gorga’s hair is still dripping down his forehead, and Doctor V. is still picking at a festering sore. That’s both a metaphor, and entirely literal.
Doctor V. adds Melissa to the mix and suggests that Melissa and Teresa spend quality time together. Blah blah blah, Jacqueline, Kim D., tweets, and Doctor V. very accurately calls Teresa “a dumbass.” Melissa decides to swallow her pride (obligatory swallow joke) and make up with Teresa. They hug, it’s awkward, and then Doctor V. wants to speak with Joe Guidice.
“Hi, how are you?” “Drunk, very drunk.” “Do you find yourself often, Joe, getting dragged into the quarrels?” HAVE YOU NEVER WATCHED THE SHOW, DOCTOR V.? Joe Gorga steps in, and it’s like two cans of ham talking to each other. “You like sawlt?” “Yeah, I like sawlt. You like a little peppuh?” “Yeah, peppuh’s good.” They hug it out, and everyone goes back to their cocktails.
Outside, there’s a snowball fight in the works. Doctor V. waves goodbye. She’s on her way to meet Steve and Stephanie so that they can collaborate on a tell-all an doesn’t have a moment to spare. Kathy is pissed because she didn’t get in on the therapy session. Whatever, Kathy. You’re lucky that you’re even on this show. Instead of taking a high road, or any other road, Kathy plows straight into Teresa and demands an apology for the things Teresa said about Kathy’s father. Surprisingly, Teresa apologizes because, ”awls I care about is us, I do wanna move forward.” Momentum lost, no Kathy-Teresa-catfight-battle plotline.
In a desperate attempt to stir up trouble, Caroline calls Jacqueline to fill her in on the details. Jacqueline explains that she doesn’t want that in her life. No, she wants Buddha, and points to her bedazzled Buddha t-shirt. If she shouted, “I’m om-ing!” I would’ve smashed my teevee.
Somehow, Rosie, Rich, and Joe Gorga end up ice fishing on a lake. This leaves the ladies back at the “castle” making cocktails and dinner. Melissa worries about burning her eyelashes, so she lets Teresa and Kathy take the lead while she swigs vodka straight from the bottle. These ladies are nothing if not classy, which is to say they are nothing. The Joes, Rich, and Rosie roll in and the drinks reach a heightened pitch. Somehow, Joe Giudice and Teresa speak to each other in a language that is either Italian, or Pig Latin. Or, both.
Because they’re drunk, everyone starts doing “trust falls.” Because they’re complete idiots, they do it in front of a roaring fireplace. Sadly, everyone walks away unscathed.
Next week, swingers and more sh*t-stirring with Jacqueline.by