Joe Gorga is digging a pit using “the good dirt,” and..is that a leg sticking out of the ground? No matter. Joe Gorga and Melissa are going to be on a billboard for Shnizzle Tan, which is hilarious since I’m not sure who would voluntarily turn their skin that particular shade of Real Housewives Orange.
Caroline is gossiping about the retreat with Jacqueline when Melissa arrives. Blah blah blah, tweets, twits, twats, and Melissa breaks the news to Jacqueline that everyone hugged it out. And, Teresa pinky sweared to Caroline that she would call Jacqueline, so that’s going to happen. Caroline’s deadbeat sons are building out their restaurant which involves an ice cream sundae with a shovel in it, so perfect. Afterwards, they show up at Caroline’s apartment like stray cats begging for a can of tuna. Caroline calls them workaholics which is funny because standing around a construction site and wearing a t-shirt with a giant logo of your gross bottled water is not “work.” Later, Number One Son Albie has a tawk with Caroline. He feels a lot of pressure from his parents to achieve something. Anything, really. So back off, Caroline! He’s just a kid in his late 20s!
Joe Gorga, Melissa, and their herd of children arrive at Teresa’s for dinner. Like a perfect houseguest, Melissa tells Teresa to be on her best behavior for the sake of the kids. They talk about Joe Gorga’s upcoming photo shoot for Shnizzle Tans, a very important tanning salon of the highest quality, Teresa toasts to chi chi, and Melissa turns the conversation towards Jacqueline. Sigh. Can’t these people even have one quiet dinner? Thankfully, Joe Guidice tells everyone to shut the heck up because he can’t hear it anymore. You know, if someone had told me that Joe Guidice would be the voice of reason on this show, I would’ve called them crazier than Teresa’s hairline. Yet here we are.
Melissa is done writing her book and now is the fun part—the cover photoshoot. After makeup is applied with a palette knife and then it’s time for the fans. No, not those kind of fans. Wind machine. Meanwhile, Joe Gorga is oiled up and ready for his own photoshoot for Shnizzle Tans. He looks like a cross between Patrick Swayze playing a Chippendale’s dancer on Saturday Night Live, and Chris Farley playing a Chippendale’s dancer on Saturday Night Live.
Kathy, Rich, Joe Gorga, and Melissa go to singles night at a lesbian bar in New York City with Rosie at a bar that Rich dubs “The Clam Hut.” There are wristbands depending upon your status: Single, D.T.F., Taken, and It’s Complicated. They meet bisexuals, swingers, and one single lesbian bored out of her skull at Rosie’s drunken yammering. Sorry Rosie, but she’s not calling.
When Jacqueline finally spends time with one of her kids, she ends up abandoning him in a toy store to take a call from Teresa. “You know, I just want the hate to stop.” Jacqueline invites Teresa over to get everything off of her chest, but Teresa is afraid of Chez Jacqueline and insists upon a neutral restaurant.
Everybody drives their respective families past Joe Gorga’s billboard for Shnizzle Tan on their way to the showdown between Teresa and Jacqueline at a restaurant filled with unwitting patrons. Thankfully, the restaurant provided them with a private room. The conversation is riveting. “I like your top.” “Uh, I’ll have a cabernet, but give me a good one.” “It’s f*cking f*cked up.” “You should apologize for that.” “What the f*ck is a sociopath? Like a crazy person?” “You’re the one who tweets when you go on your tweet rampage.” “I’ve always done everything to help you.”
Next week, more of this crap, and children on a stripper pole.
image: bravotv.com
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