Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 5: Everything Is Coming Up Rosie

Melissa

Melissa’s husband, JoeGorga, pulls up in the driveway saying, “Bitch, yer wife, yer wife, yer f**king wife, bitch,” which I assume is a song? He’s pissed. He had a rough afternoon and doesn’t want to talk in front of his daughter. It’s about his run-in with Teresa at the gym. It turns out Melissa actually did what Teresa said she did, and now JoeGorga is pissed because it’s his sister and “don’t talk sh*t about my sister.” He’s nothing if not eloquent. In other words, he’s nothing.

JoeGorga goes out for drinks with Rosie, who explains that she hasn’t had sex for six years. They then discuss Teresa. Rosie encourages him to give it one more shot with Teresa. She offers to speak to Teresa for JoeGorga, because that’s something that can’t possibly end in bloodshed.

Caroline

Caroline’s sons suddenly realize that they’re never going to find a girl as good as their mother. Then Caroline’s daughter, Lauren, explains that even though she was fat, she was not a “blowjob queen.” Jeez.

Jacqueline

Jacqueline, Caroline, Kathy, and Rosie go to a party at a salon. Jacqueline gets eyebrow threading and asks about the dark circles under her eyes. Caroline gets a call from Teresa about The Gorga Gym Incident. Caroline suggests professional help, and then claims that she will step out of the situation, but I doubt that can ever happen. She immediately fills Jacqueline and Kathy in about the phone call.

Jacqueline tries to teach her son, Nicholas, how to point on the iPad. He cries, then she cries, and her husband shows up so that she can explain to the camera what’s happening. Jacqueline then plugs the article she wrote for Parenting Magazine, and I just want to shoo all of those cameras out of the kid’s face. Ugh.

Kathy

Kathy’s husband, Rich, tried to help out by buying boxes for Kathy’s cannolis, but he failed miserably. He bought thousands of plain white boxes and she wanted extra special blue boxes. The sample Kathy shows him is elegant and sophisticated, and the sample he supplied is something you’d find in FedEx. (As an aside, I like how the overhead shot of their house shows that it backs right up to a highway. Very classy.) Then, Rich surprises her with a fully equipped commercial test kitchen to make her cannolis. She’s not happy about it because he made the decision without consulting her.

Teresa

Teresa and JoeGuidice go to their daughter’s indoor soccer practice to talk about her run-in with JoeGorga. JoeGorga tells Teresa it’s a “Napoleon thing.”

He w as a little short guy who though he could, uh, he wanted to beat everyone up. He ran a little army and then one day the army crashed and everyone turned on him. He had this like little syndrome and people just call it now Napoleon Syndrome For Short People.”

Teresa puts the rumors that she doesn’t write her own recipes or blogs to rest by typing, “I’m excited to share my secret recipes to get your kids eating healthier,” on the electric clicky machine. Then, she gets a call from Rosie. She wants to help straighten out the thing with JoeGorga.

They meet at a bar. Teresa asks for a glass of cabernet, and Rosie brings her a pink poufy drink that is the cosmic opposite of a glass of cabernet. Rosie goes blah blah blah, Teresa says blah blah blah, Teresa was hurt, Rosie wants her to let it be, there are hand gestures, Rosie pounds on the table, there’s yelling, everyone’s staring, Teresa squeaks something about Kathy, Rosie gets even louder, more squeaking, more yelling, cursing, speaking, a drink spills, aaaaaand scene.

Next week, Teresa plans a retreat for the whole family.

Photo: bravotv.com

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