Lana is in labor, and in handcuffs. Maybe Christian Slater knows how to deliver a baby? Oh wait, Archer is a certified doula, so all is good(-ish).

The CIA is invading San Marcos. Don’t bother asking why the CIA gave San Marcos weapons, that’s a minor detail that doesn’t really matter so much as monetizing cocaine, after all. And ISIS has been selling cocaine for the CIA. And… yes, Archer has been in on it the whole time.

For more TLana steals a machine gun and her contractions are nine minutes apart, so it’s time to put a rush on this whole rescue mission. For future reference, giving a machine gun to a woman in labor is not a good idea at all.

The CIA is bombing the Presidential palace where Cyril is finally in charge of something almost important. Mallory commands everyone to cram everything they can into a suitcase, including Pam who seems not coked up for the first time in too many episodes to count. Oh wait, no. She’s gnawing on coca leaves.

Archer needs to stop calling Lana “buddy” or she is going to put her bullets in his head. Then, Archer tells Cherlene to “look down there.” Apparently it’s mauve, and smooth. Good to know? Lana’s machine gun is out of ammo just as she tries to shoot Archer in the face for refusing her perfectly reasonable request for morphine.

Pam, Mallory, and Cyril are loaded up with goodies and dressed like palatial old timey folks. They choose a circa-1920-something getaway car and try to outrun the bombing. Their hats look charming. They almost crash into Ray and Cyril carrying very toxic materials which they rescued from a rocket headed straight for the Upper East Side. They arrive at the airport in time for Mallory to feed Lana a bottle of booze and Pam to birth Lana’s baby like a cow.

“It’s a girl! And whoever had a black guy, pay up!” And…is that television’s first breastfeeding cartoon? I think it is.

Mallory negotiates with the CIA. She’s got artwork for them, and they have the nerve gas for her. But, we all know what’s happening here, Mallory holds the whole shebang over their heads in exchange for getting ISIS on the sweet, sweet government payroll.

Lana explains to Archer something about his frozen sperm and…pretty sure that’s Archer’s baby. Obviously it only happened without the fun part.

“Sterling Archer, I’d like you to meet your daughter.”

Reprinted from RedesignRevolution.com

More pounds of cocaine lost to Pam, but at least Lana got in some practice feeding a baby. Mallory gives Lana some real talk about how dreadful babies can be, and Cherlene clarifies that all babies should be drowned. Lana concludes that Archer has been trying to hard, but Mallory has a point. How hard is it to sell two thousand measly pounds of cocaine? Make that one thousand seven hundred and eighteen pounds of cocaine, thanks to Pam’s…appetite.

Archer is practicing flying an airplane so that he can smuggle a hundred pounds of cocaine into Colombia. Using surveillance satellite leftover from ISIS, also known as “cable television,” Mallory tries to track down Archer. Unfortunately, all of the cameras were pointed at the GILF cam, which is just as horrifying as it sounds.

Archer needs Ray and Cyril to put their vaginas away and start selling cocaine. They crash into a stereotypical bar which makes Ray feel like a tourist.

It’s Archer’s Snackle Snap that gave away his location. Mallory doesn’t understand why people would want photos of other peoples’ food, so clearly she has never seen my Facebook feed. Anyway, Archer is the life of the bar. “Why bother with coke? I just made a hundred thousand pesos jumping through the window.”

Then, he asks around for The Godmother, and everything gets sketchy. And Archer vomits on Cyril because he has snake poisoning. But not really. He thinks that he hears a truck pull up out front and needed to get away. They’re either heroic vigilantes, or right-wing terrorists. Now, it’s back to the car. Go go go go GO!

Archer kicks one of ‘em in the balls, gathers up Cyril and Ray, and they all drive away one machine gun richer. But the engine is full of cocaine so the car doesn’t drive so good and the paramilitary bad guys catch up. According to Archer, it’s all about machismo. He doesn’t back down and gives them an “uno, dos!” and the bad guys drop their guns. Not because of the machismo, but because The Godmother arrives. And she’s hot.

The Godmother attempts to seduce Archer. She’s not what he expected. He was imagining more of a Mexican Mrs. Garrett. But first business. He claims to have as many kilos of cocaine as are in a shitton, so they toast to new friends. He wakes up wearing a ping pong paddle and a gas mask, and the police. Turns out she’s undercover, in an undercover kind of way. Cyril wonders how long they’ll last in prison, if they’ll even make it to prison. Now, it’s up to Lana to rescue the boys.

Where were we? Oh right, Cherlene’s country western career is booming, and Archer’s “blowing this jug” in his bathrobe and undies. Ugh. Mallory’s face mask is frightening. She suggests Lana get a wet nurse, and I just threw up, violently.

No cocaine doughnuts for Pam until they start bringing in money. But no worries, Krieger’s selling the cocaine online. It’s anonymous and risk free because it’s the internet. It’s like shopping online, only for cocaine.

Lana isn’t looking too good. “What’s up her gigantic, giant ass?” No one has even thought about throwing her a baby shower (or, as Cyril calls it, a bastard shower). That settles it, they’re throwing Lana a baby shower while they package the cocaine for next-day shipping. Item 1: paper to write a list on; Item 2: Woodhouse! Get in here! And, Archer and Pam are going to get Kenny Loggins to play Lana’s baby shower. Sigh.

Archer loves Kenny Loggins. Like, really loves Kenny Loggins. But first, they have to track him down. Luckily he’s in the hotel lobby. He autographs Archer’s suit and gets tasered, twice. “Holy shitzaps, are you okay?” Now Archer is obligated to murder Kenny Loggins. Oh, how things change.

Lana has a heart-to-not-quite-heart with Mallory. She has a lot of major expenses coming up, so Mallory suggest government programs, like the cheese they hand out to new mothers.

Archer disguises himself as a blond, and Pam is a brunette with a beehive and cocaine breath mints. Archer talks his way into Kenny Loggins’s room using the age-old “room service” technique. Except now he’s K-Log. There are guns to everybody’s heads because of something that happened in Caracas. Pam takes down the bodyguard, temporarily, and Archer is off to murder Kenny Loggins who definitely does not want “a beej” from Pam. K-Log is out of bullets and has a briefcase filled with shiny magenta. Oh, whoops!

Pam shot a hole in the glass swimming pool that was built on the roof against Cheryl’s better advice just as Kenny Loggins falls in the pool. Archer saves him and his briefcase filled with plutonium or a human soul and agrees to play Lana’s baby shower.  The only good gift is from Mallory, and Baby Bergdorf’s. She used the money from Krieger’s online cocaine sales. Unfortunately, they were a sham. So there’s no money, and thanks to Pam, a dwindling supply of cocaine. And Archer’s big present is “Danger Zone.”

Malory is taking fifty-percent of Cherlene’s profits, which is fine because she lost everything when the Feds shut down ISIS. And, the trip to Texas isn’t exactly for Cherlene. Archer wants to get rid of the cocaine. As Pam puts it, “holy d*ckbirds, you got a buyer lined up in Texas?” Not really, but they might get lucky and find a town where everyone wants to commit suicide.

Archer is dressed up like a Burt Reynolds impersonator, and buys a bus with a sort of naked and reclining Cherlene painted on the side. Cyril is driving because Pam is riding shotgun in Archer’s sports car.

While Archer enjoys unconsciousness, Pam “Snowball” Something-Or-Other has been driving for eighteen hours straight thanks to the powdery happiness she’s been eating. Yes, eating. Unfortunately, she told a few people in truck stops that they’re hauling a shitload of cocaine to the border. She just wanted them to like her, but now they’re shooting at the bus. When Lana takes over the wheel, all is good again. Until they land in a ditch. Then, things are not good. Again.

While everyone “fixes it,” Cherlene will be in her tour bus “putting whiskey and glue inside of me.” Nine minutes later, Archer has the bus back on the road. And then, the cops. But curtain is in ten minutes, and there are fifty pounds, or kilos, of cocaine on the bus. Wait! Switcheroo! Pam transferred the cocaine to the car. To keep it safe. And close to her face.

The cops do a lot of shooting, but Archer has no gun to shoot back. They drive by many, many gun shops, which is ironic. And possibly satire. “Pam, get the coke!” “Yeah! Cokesnacks!” See, the cops don’t want to kill them, they just want the coke. So Pam tosses it out the back of the car. This is called “going old school bandit,” and all’s well that ends well. Except for the hundred pounds of coke they dumped on the highway.

Reprinted from RedesignRevolution.com

Malory believes they are ruined because Archer received Monopoly money for his troubles, but they still have their cocaine. Or, at least the cocaine that Pam didn’t yet eat. They need a big ticket item like a big bag of cocaine, or a Cadillac, that they can purchase with their counterfeit money. Or, as Cyril suggests, guns. But until they make a real plan, Cyril has to lock up all of the money and cocaine in a Scrooge McDuckian vault.

Because there’s no Scrooge McDucky vault, Cyril locks it up in the kitchen pantry. But not locked up enough for Pam, who used the “money” to buy amphetamines. And the yakuza bad guys she bought them from know where she lives because a few of them have been to her apartment, which makes Archer mind vomit.

Moto, the head of the yakuza crime syndicate, is at the front door looking for Pam. He’s not happy and wants his drugs back, so the former ISIS team considers the possibility of asking for its counterfeit money back. Except for Lana, who just wants to not die. But Pam knows that Moto doesn’t just wants the pills, he also wants Pam’s head. And not metaphorically speaking. Cheryl tries to negotiate with them but instead yells, “fine, be more gross and Chinesey!” Turns out it’s a debt of honor that can only be paid with Pam’s blood. And she can’t write a genre-defining country song with their whining, they should go out there and kill the yakuza.

Everyone grabs a pre-World War One gun and takes a window. Archer goes “Josh Randall on these dicks,” but can’t actually shoot anyone because the police will never understand the drugs and counterfeit bills. So the yakuza start shooting, and they start with Ron Cadillac.

Cheryl remembers all of the underground tunnels in the mansion, which is a good way to get Ron to a hospital. There’s a map, and a route up to Lenox Hill Hospital. While everyone is taking Ron to the hospital, Archer will wear his even blacker black suit to go about his own plan, and Lana needs to shut her “dick trap” about his probably needing rescuing.

But Archer’s plan goes pretty good. He sneaks out of the mansion and into Moto’s car, with an olde timey gun. The debt can only be forgiven if blood has been shed, and Ron is bleeding out, so…maybe? In exchange for a trunk full of cocaine. And that’s what they call a win-win-win.

Reprinted from RedesignRevolution.com

Dr. Krieger is building some very loud robots while Archer whines that the government seized his penthouse. Malory was the only one smart enough to put her assets in someone else’s name, probably because she was the only one who knew that ISIS was not a legit secret governmental organization. Her plan is to move the entire stash of cocaine to Miami because they can’t just have a yard sale. This requires Lana, Archer, and Pam to transport the coke in a full-bodied cast worn by, well, yeah. Pam. If she can avoid absorbing the drugs through her sweat glands, she should be just fine.

Back at Malory’s lair, Cheryl practices her singing and Cyril practices his lawyering. He’s planning a Laundromat business to launder the drug money for their new little cartel, and looks forward to Malory micromanaging the entire operation.

The trio arrives in Miami and checks into a motel that Lana hopes is just mildewy and not “mildewy and dead hookery.” What they didn’t expect was the stench when Pam removed her cast. “Ugh! This smells like a kennel, but for dogs that are poor!” When Lana starts picking through the case file, she worries that they know pretty much nothing about Malory’s contacts. But Archer isn’t worried since they are uniquely suited to transferring their skill from espionage to criminal activity.

Oh, jeez. Pam is naked in the bathroom, eating her cocaine cast like a cross between a really bad episode of My Strange Addiction and an even worse episode of Celebrity Rehab: Where Are They Now?

Finally the beach and some cartoon booty. Sadly, Archer is still knocked out from wrestling the cocaine cast away from Pam. A man named Ramon brings Archer back to life from his “headsmash.” He knows some “maybe people” in exchange for a finder’s fee, of course. So that he can buy the best club in Miami. Archer is already picturing his red leather banquette Miami drug cartel office.

Charles and Rudy are Ramon’s contacts. They return a fondue set that is short one blue fork and a suitcase filled with cash, but decide to take the cocaine and the money, and the fondue set. Archer says it’s all Ramon’s fault, so he has to take them to recover the stolen cash. And maybe some more cocaine for Pam.

Things don’t go so well and Ramon shoots Charles or Rudy, and Rudy or Charles shoots Ramon, and someone shoots the last man standing. Ramon’s dying words are muy complicado so he can’t explain, but Archer should take the money and kiss him “with what appeared to be tongue” before he dies.

After all that, the money is counterfeit. Was it a scam? Lana imagines blood packs and blanks. Which is probably right, because Ramon, Charles, and Rudy are soaking in a hot tub with a floating tray full of cocaine, planning their next fondue party.

It’s a beautiful morning at ISIS! Are those roses for me? Why thank you, Mr. Archer. Coffee? With a splash of brandy? Don’t mind if I do. The Penske file? Oh, don’t worry about th—kablammo!

Oh good, Malory didn’t spill her drink in the whole exploding building ruckus. Archer runs off to save Lana, because “LAAANNNAAA!” But there’s shooting, and it’s scary, and Lana is pregnant with the bastard spawn of a total stranger. Archer really needs to know who Beaker’s boss is, and… Oh, no. It’s the FBI. That means Malory is having the “second worst birthday ever.” Archer is under arrest for a whole bunch of stuff, but mostly treason, for committing espionage without permission from the government. And Lana, and Malory, and, well, everybody is in the not-fun kind of handcuffs.

Cheryl loves a good tasering: “It’s like wave, after wave crashing over you, into you.” Ew. Turns out Malory totally lied to everyone about being backed by the government, blah blah blah. She basically tells everyone to zip it and not say a word about the choke sex with the KGB unless they get total immunity. And the giant pot farm, Irish mob, piracy, white slavery, Burt Reynolds, defiling a corpse, kidnapping the pope, arson, bomb fights, Burt Reynolds (again), murder-suicide, something about clones and maybe sexual assault… There’s plenty of blame to go around.

Archer and Lana distract the FBI with her weird-looking vagina and escape, but Lana wants them to go their separate ways. Archer, however, wants to get out of there with Lana because prisons are not coed. Was that a marriage proposal? It was. And I believe, “I would rather lose the baby,” is pretty much a “no.”

Everyone else signs off on a whole confession-type statement. Unfortunately, they all forgot to actually get immunity and just started blah-blah-blah talking. Oops? Rather than toddle off to non-coed jail, they follow Archer and Lana and take the FBI hostage. “Nobody move!” They bust into Malory’s interrogation, which is going much, much better than the others, except she turns over ISIS headquarters and agrees to cease all ISIS operations. “OMG! Beaker’s boss! Bunsen Freaking Honeydew!”

So their jobs are gone, and their health insurance. Malory starts shopping for a new office for Secret Silk, Cheryl is destined to be a country singer, Archer is going to play lacrosse, Pam wants to get back into underground fighting, Cyril is either going to a boring accounting firm or become a boring defense attorney.

That means it’s time to talk about the elephant in the room—the cocaine hiding behind the secret panel. I guess they’re going to have to form a drug cartel, and “how hard can it be…if Mexicans do it.”

Reprinted from RedesignRevolution.com