Archer: On the Carpet

Archer Vice Season 5 Episode 9 On the Carpet

Why are the boys in their bathrobes, clutching bottles of booze while Pam does whippits in a leisure suit? Oh no, wait. She’s just eating the whipped cream. Cherlene is topless and working on an Astro Pop, and Mallory is presiding over the interrogation. IDIOTS!!!

Pam helpfully covers Cherlene’s ta-tas with whipped cream, which turns out to be whipped cocaine. She’s dressed like a two-bit whore for her album cover, which Krieger is shooting. Pam suggests putting the Astro Pops somewhere other than the outside. Lana disapproves because she just doesn’t get art, and none of this explains the hundreds of kilos of cocaine.

We’re back on the cocaine plane, and it’s flying heavy so Archer tries to convince Cyril to jump. Cyril suggests tossing out all of the new cocaine that came with the airplane. They can’t land at the airstrip in the everglades because that’s where the Colombians were going to land, so there will be angry Colombians waiting for them, and this is the part where Mallory hopes everybody dies.

There’s kind of a crash landing that’s smoother than most commercial aircrafts, and it’s really a shame that they tossed all of the guns out of the airplane. Luckily Archer is good at infiltrating the enemy with an assumed name, like Randy. It’s always Randy. That results in Archer getting shot with beanbags, so he’s merely bruised and not dead. The beanbagger is Slater, as in Christian Slater. I would say that I’ve wondered what he’s been up to all of these years, but I haven’t. Archer is “Rando” and these are the McCrackin Brothers. “Why do you have my cocaine, and where the hell is Gomez?” But since the cocaine is all there, they got in the plane and flew old Rando home to his mommy.

Somehow they end up with zero cocaine, but enough weapons to invade Quebec. You see, Slater’s guys filled the plane with weapons that they were supposed to bring to Gustavo Calderone in San Marcos, which is in the middle of a civil war. Mallory thinks that Archer wandered into a CIA backed anti-communist drugs for arms operation, which is their first real opportunity to make some money. I mean, aside from the mountains of cocaine that has dwindled to near-nothing thanks to Krieger blowing it up in a submarine. Pam weeps real tears.

Starting now, in addition to the country music business, ISIS is in the arms business. And Malory and Ron are giving it a go with an open marriage.

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