Archer Vice Season 5, Ep. 5: Southbound and Down

Archer Vice Southbound and Down (1)

Doctor Krieger uncripples Gillette, giving him the precious gift of legs. But more importantly, Cherlene is going on a television show, “Travis County Limits,” but has to get there without flying because she doesn’t do the tin-can-in-the-sky thing. They only have twenty-five hours to drive to Texas, and you know it’s going to be Smokey And The Bandit-style.

Malory is taking fifty-percent of Cherlene’s profits, which is fine because she lost everything when the Feds shut down ISIS. And, the trip to Texas isn’t exactly for Cherlene. Archer wants to get rid of the cocaine. As Pam puts it, “holy d*ckbirds, you got a buyer lined up in Texas?” Not really, but they might get lucky and find a town where everyone wants to commit suicide.

Archer is dressed up like a Burt Reynolds impersonator, and buys a bus with a sort of naked and reclining Cherlene painted on the side. Cyril is driving because Pam is riding shotgun in Archer’s sports car.

Archer Vice Southbound and Down (1)

While Archer enjoys unconsciousness, Pam “Snowball” Something-Or-Other has been driving for eighteen hours straight thanks to the powdery happiness she’s been eating. Yes, eating. Unfortunately, she told a few people in truck stops that they’re hauling a shitload of cocaine to the border. She just wanted them to like her, but now they’re shooting at the bus. When Lana takes over the wheel, all is good again. Until they land in a ditch. Then, things are not good. Again.

While everyone “fixes it,” Cherlene will be in her tour bus “putting whiskey and glue inside of me.” Nine minutes later, Archer has the bus back on the road. And then, the cops. But curtain is in ten minutes, and there are fifty pounds, or kilos, of cocaine on the bus. Wait! Switcheroo! Pam transferred the cocaine to the car. To keep it safe. And close to her face.

The cops do a lot of shooting, but Archer has no gun to shoot back. They drive by many, many gun shops, which is ironic. And possibly satire. “Pam, get the coke!” “Yeah! Cokesnacks!” See, the cops don’t want to kill them, they just want the coke. So Pam tosses it out the back of the car. This is called “going old school bandit,” and all’s well that ends well. Except for the hundred pounds of coke they dumped on the highway.

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