The Amazing Race is back, and it’s a season of All Stars! And I’m not even bitter about not even getting so much as an email inquiring into my awesomeness my kickass audition video. Instead, I will just assume that I was too much fabulous for the small screen.

Anyway, it’s All Stars! And there really are some of our favorite racers coming back for another adventure. Here are the teams, and my very special nomenclature:

• Jet and Cord: The Cowboys.
• Caroline and Jennifer: My Family Is Famous (pretty sure one of them is Wayne Newton’s grandkid…or was it John Wayne? No difference).
• Natalie and Nadya: TWINNIE!!!
• Brendan and Rachel: I have no idea who they are, but she cries a lot so she’s perfect. Never change, Rachel.
• Jessica and John: Again, no idea who these people are.
• Flight Time and Big Easy: The Harlem Globetrotters! I love them an irrational amount.
• Dave and Conner: Mr. Howell and Junior, also known as The Howells.
• Joey and Megan: YouTubers, if YouTube is still a thing that the kids do.
• Leo and Jamal: Cocky Cousins who need to shutupshutupshutup!
• Margie and Luke: OMG! It’s Deaf Kid and His Umbilical Cord! And before you get on me about that, is it not the perfect description of their relationship? Yes, it is.
• Bopper and Mark: The nicest Rednecks on the planet.

First things first. One of the racers had to go to the doctor with an inflamed pancreas before it even started. It’s Bopper. He’s not healthy enough to race around the world. Damn. I don’t even know what a pancreas does. Phil is letting Mark team up with someone else. He’s going to do it, but not before a whole lot of tears. He’s racing with…holy crap, Mallory. She’s peppy, she’s blonde, and she’s never going to win this thing but it’ll be fun watching her try.

The teams are headed to China, which is a big place so that could mean anything. Whichever team wins this leg gets two express passes, one of which they need to pass off to another team. It’s a scramble to match up a Chinese symbol and a race to LAX for the first flight out. The Cousins, Cowboys, the Howells, and Twinnies are on the first flight.

Once they land in Guangzhou, China, teams must go to the Street of Wedding Dresses and search one of three shops for a clue. The Cowboys get the clue first and are sent to Canton Tower where they will find a clue in one of the bubbles that runs around the outside of the building. Meanwhile, the Cousins and Twinnies team up and walk right past where they’re supposed to go. YouTube, Mark and Mallory, and Deaf Kid And His Umbilical Cord get the clue next. The last teams left on the course are the Twinnies and My Family Is Famous. But the Cowboys are already on their way up to the top of the tower and find the next clue just as the next teams arrive.  The clue says to search for the next clue in the stadium below.

Road Block! Perform three high-wire flips 300 feet in the air. Cord takes this one for the team. After completing the task, they are sent on foot to the pit stop at the Opera House where they are Team Number One and win the Express Passes.

Brendan from Team Cries-A-Lot goes up next and arrive at the pit stop as Team Number Two. The Howells arrive in third, followed by Deaf Kid And His Umbilical Cord and the Cousins.

Back at the tower, the Twinnies are ready to kill each other in their bubble and are the last ones left. Mark and Mallory are Team Number Six with the Globetrotters two seconds behind as Team Number Seven. I Don’t Know Who You Are hit the mat as eight, My Family IS Famous are nine, and YouTube are Team Number Ten. That leaves two shouting Twinnies on the course and, honestly. Eliminating them from the race is a gift to the viewers. There’s only so much of that I can take.

Next week, Mark and Mallory forget a backpack so Mallory has to decide if she can make it through the rest of the race without her hair and makeup.

Reprinted from TravelFreak.com