Archer Season 5, Episode 1: White Elephant


It’s a beautiful morning at ISIS! Are those roses for me? Why thank you, Mr. Archer. Coffee? With a splash of brandy? Don’t mind if I do. The Penske file? Oh, don’t worry about th—kablammo!

Oh good, Malory didn’t spill her drink in the whole exploding building ruckus. Archer runs off to save Lana, because “LAAANNNAAA!” But there’s shooting, and it’s scary, and Lana is pregnant with the bastard spawn of a total stranger. Archer really needs to know who Beaker’s boss is, and… Oh, no. It’s the FBI. That means Malory is having the “second worst birthday ever.” Archer is under arrest for a whole bunch of stuff, but mostly treason, for committing espionage without permission from the government. And Lana, and Malory, and, well, everybody is in the not-fun kind of handcuffs.

Cheryl loves a good tasering: “It’s like wave, after wave crashing over you, into you.” Ew. Turns out Malory totally lied to everyone about being backed by the government, blah blah blah. She basically tells everyone to zip it and not say a word about the choke sex with the KGB unless they get total immunity. And the giant pot farm, Irish mob, piracy, white slavery, Burt Reynolds, defiling a corpse, kidnapping the pope, arson, bomb fights, Burt Reynolds (again), murder-suicide, something about clones and maybe sexual assault… There’s plenty of blame to go around.

Archer and Lana distract the FBI with her weird-looking vagina and escape, but Lana wants them to go their separate ways. Archer, however, wants to get out of there with Lana because prisons are not coed. Was that a marriage proposal? It was. And I believe, “I would rather lose the baby,” is pretty much a “no.”

Everyone else signs off on a whole confession-type statement. Unfortunately, they all forgot to actually get immunity and just started blah-blah-blah talking. Oops? Rather than toddle off to non-coed jail, they follow Archer and Lana and take the FBI hostage. “Nobody move!” They bust into Malory’s interrogation, which is going much, much better than the others, except she turns over ISIS headquarters and agrees to cease all ISIS operations. “OMG! Beaker’s boss! Bunsen Freaking Honeydew!”

So their jobs are gone, and their health insurance. Malory starts shopping for a new office for Secret Silk, Cheryl is destined to be a country singer, Archer is going to play lacrosse, Pam wants to get back into underground fighting, Cyril is either going to a boring accounting firm or become a boring defense attorney.

That means it’s time to talk about the elephant in the room—the cocaine hiding behind the secret panel. I guess they’re going to have to form a drug cartel, and “how hard can it be…if Mexicans do it.”

Reprinted from

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