Girls Season 3 Premiere: Females Only & Truth or Dare

Girls Season 3 Premiere 3

Episode 1: Females Only

Hannah is sill working in the coffee shop, stacking brownies and talking very deep thoughts with Ray. Is that Adam’s ex-girlfriend, Natalia? Why yes, yes it is Adam’s ex-girlfriend, Natalia. She needs closure. “This is Hannah? This is Hannah….you should just enjoy your urine-soaked life.” Well, that was fun. And fairly accurate.

Marnie is fighting with her mother who doesn’t understand why she has to keep hearing about Charlie over and over and over again. Yeah, well imagine how the rest of us feel. Then, it’s back to the city to work at the coffee shop with Hannah because Marnie really has her life together.

Oh good, Jessa is in rehab somewhere woodsy where the inmates “touch with our hearts, not our hands.” But Jessa doesn’t do rehab. Instead, she does bitch because she already has it figured out. “Heroin is fun, but it can also kill you.” As punishment for disrupting the group, she has to wear a sign around her neck that says “Females Only.”

Hannah meets with her e-publisher who is so unrealistically okay with Hannah totally blowing off the book deadline thing. He gives her a second chance and they celebrate by eating cups made out of chocolate. In therapy, Hannah seems totally out of touch with still being insane and explains that Adam sells papier maché art which makes him unable to contribute much to the rent. But he takes care of her, so it’s okay. I guess it’s sort of like having a stay-at-home dad, only Hannah is the child.

Girls HBO Season 3 Premiere

But wait! Hannah is a grown-up, doing grown-up things like planning a dinner party for her friends. This involves tacos and Adam. But Adam doesn’t want to hang out with her friends, because her friends are uninteresting. As expected, the dinner party involves Shoshanna and Marnie yammering on about their feelings, which makes Adam want to stab his eyeballs out. Then, Adam tells Marnie that she saw Charlie who dumped her over grilled pizza, and Charlie asked about Marnie, and Adam said that she’s good and that she has a new boyfriend from Spain and everyone eat tacos!

Jessa finds a British partner-in-crime at rehab. They smoke and commiserate and it’s like rehab within rehab, like the Inception of rehabs. Then, Jessa opens up to Taystee from Orange Is The New Black, and then Taystee opens up to Jessa ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo. And that gets Jessa kicked out of rehab.

Damn, we almost got through an entire episode without Hannah taking her clothes off. The phone rings, and it’s Jessa. There’s a lot of up-talking? And she needs Hannah to come and get her?

Episode 2: Truth Or Dare

Hannah wakes up Adam to go get Jessa out of rehab because she can’t leave until someone signs her out. They rent a car and Shoshanna comes along for the ride because that means maximum car dancing…until Adam smashes the stereo.

Adam explains that they’re not doing Jessa any favors by taking her out of rehab, but Hannah says it’s all about female friendship. He thinks women get stuck in a vortex of girl stuff and then quotes the Rolling Stones.

At a rest stop, Shoshanna needs to know what Adam’s favorite utensil is, and then berates him for choosing a fork. Hannah retreats to the bathroom to call Marnie, who is moving into a new apartment with the help of her mother. Marnie makes it all about her because she was left out of the field trip to pick up Jessa. Then it’s back on the road, where everyone is bored because they are boring people. To make it more about Hannah and less about Marnie, Hannah is annoyed because the road trip is not offering her any good material for her book.

The Traveling Trio check into a motel for the night and Shoshanna starts a game of Truth Or Dare. She dares Adam to kiss Hannah, which is stupid. Then Shoshanna picks truth, and Adam calls bedtime. Because Adam can’t sleep without sex, Shoshanna leaves the room while he and Hannah have at it. They’re all such great friends, aren’t they? She curls up by the snack machine until Hannah comes to rescue her, and then they talk about Jessa. Shoshanna thinks rehab is, like, totally cool for Jessa because she’s beautiful and glamorous and it’s a rite of passage for famous people. Ugh, really? Would an actual human ever say anything that stupid?

Jessa hides out in the charming British man’s room while she is waiting to be rescued. I suspect he doesn’t really exist, but is instead an apparition that represents Jessa’s father. But then he tries to sleep with her, and that makes him a little more real. Also, he has a stash of drugs.

Girls HBO Season 3 Premiere 2

When they finally arrive at the Sheltering Winds Rehab Center, Jessa rolls out and is delivered to her “sister,” Hannah. Then Hannah learns that the rehab center has an open door policy and they offered to drive Jessa to the airport, but she said her “sister” was coming for her. This allows Hannah to make it all about me me me, blah blah blah, why’d you make me drive all the way out here.

On the ride back, Adam tosses it out there that Jessa could go to a meeting with him, so it looks like he might be the only responsible one in the group. How the heck that happened I’ll never know.

Reprinted from SurvivingCollege.com
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