Niall, so sexy on Eureka, so *egh* here. Despite the dinosaur

I love the SyFy channel so much. I mean crazy, adolescent girl-crush much. I tolerated their rebranding from SciFi, I watch all of their new shows (including Caprica, which was painful despite that delicious glass of rosé, Eric Stoltz, who I haven’t stopped crushing on since Some Kind of Wonderful, sigh).

So, I wanted so badly to like (or love) Primeval: New World, I mean it has so much to offer! Based on a beloved British series! Creatures popping into our time from their own pre-historic times! Multiple cast members for the deeply lamented and missed (at least in my household) Eureka! Even a cast member from The Vampire Diaries, and you must remember how much I love that show!

Sadly, no.

In the episodes I have seen so far, there is none of the sexy, humorous banter, or underlying chemistry between primary characters, that are the trademarks of the best SyFy shows. It also lacks the pathos of, say, Battlestar Galactica.

There just seem to be a lot of people running around hunting bad CG creations, in which case I am wondering why they bothered to cancel Santuary, which at least had the always entertaining Amanda Tapping. It also had characters with chemistry and humor and some awesome historical context. Nikola Tesla! Where are you?

I will admit that I have not fully committed to the show. I have about half a dozen on the DVR which haven’t been watched. One of these days, when the twins are asleep, the rosé is chilled and the baby daddy is out, I will commit to an evening of watching it to see if there are redeemable elements of any or all of the following: pathos, humor, chemistry, or undeniably crush-worthy casting.

Also, I may devote myself to the British series, though with 6 years on-air that may be a more daunting task than I can accomplish before the kids leave for college.

I’ll get back to you when I have something to report. That is my promise to you. Pinkie swear. Now let me get back to my Eric Stoltz… err… I meant rosé.

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Adrienne and one of their douchier guests. Ewwww! Cooties!

In my fantasy life, I win the lottery and proceed to an existence that is very Downton Abbey – with me in the Countess position, only younger and more empathetic of course. In our real 21st Century world, it would probably bear more resemblance to the guest roles on Below Deck. This is Bravo’s foray into the downstairs world of Upstairs, Downstairs and it is REAL.

You take all of these young and youngish people – I think the oldest crew member (besides the Captain) is 33. And that dude is an old man, he’s not even allowed to walk around without his shirt on! Which makes me positively geriatric and only suited to be a guest. If I were a crew member, I would probably die of alcohol poisoning. Let’s just admit that, given my moniker, that is really saying something.

With each episode, they host fabulously wealthy and somewhat ridiculous guests. I mean what kind of people order 80 green drinks on a two or three day boat charter? Ugh. I get stomach pains just thinking about it. Boat charters are for swimming and cocktails. Green juice is ridiculous.

We have the curmudgeon of a Captain and his navigation crew, who seem like a technicality. Then we have the ‘service crew’. Oh, they are so awesome. So, so awesome.

The best, and most horrifying for professional women everywhere, dynamic is between the three female cast/crew members:

Adrienne, Type-A, highly anal, controlling and completely stressed out the whole time. Not that I blame her. Becaue working for her she has two loose cannons.

Kat, who was drunk and nekked the first episode that I saw. She sports some not inconsiderable fake boobies and unnaturally blonde hair. On the plus side, she does seem to want to do a good job and she seems to have a good sense of how to treat guests and how to get done what needs to be done. Also, she handled a management confrontation in a constructive and (shocking for reality TV) productive way. That confrontation was, of course, with our third female cast member.

Sam. Oh Sam. The universe is full of things that you do not know, despite your degree in Industrial Engineering. Also, FYI, when I am a guest on your charter I kind of don’t give a crap about your degree unless we are stranded on an island and it means that you and Gilligan can build a bar out of coconut shells and fermented sea water. So, yes, guests will ask you to hang up their clothes, iron their clothes, serve their food, clean the bathroom. Because you are a glorified MAID. See Anna Smith, of Downton Abbey. She should be your role model.

Because the cast/crew has to stay sober while out on their charters, there is a great deal more reason to their behavior during that portion of the show than a lot of Bravo’s other reality shows. But seriously, I just want to win the lottery so that I can go and make Sam prepare me like five million mimosas. And iron 50 pairs of linen pants that I will never, in this lifetime, wear.

Shout out to the chef Ben who, despite seeming a wee bit prima-donna-ish, also seems like the most competent and talented service person. Also, he is relaxed and his sense of irony is deeply intact and on-point. And I bet he could make some good cocktails.

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Lindsay, I mean Irisa and Dick, I mean Jeb, mix it up

I am a sucker for the SyFy network. For years they have satisfied my barely-concealed fangirl with shows like Stargate, Stargate Atlantis, Battlestar Galactica, etc. etc. etc. I do love me a good alien.

So here we are with their newest contribution to the fine tradition of dystopian Earth 2.0 epics with the show Defiance. I’m going to pour myself a nice glass of Beaujolais (not nouveau, thankyouverymuch, some nice Fleurie!) and see where this takes me.

We seem to be decades past an invasion and terra-forming (why does SyFy love terra-forming so?) The Antarctic is now a tropical paradise! Cities have fallen! Spaceships fall out of the sky on a regular basis, to be scavenged for parts, which brings us to….

Our lead protagonist Jeb Nolan – a gruff, Han Solo type played by the same fine actor who brought us Richard Burton in Liz & Dick! You remember that fine piece of work, right? And here he is accompanied by another orange haired girl whose forehead looks like it has been over-injected by botox. Nope, no Lindsay Lohan, but his adopted alien daughter, Irisa.

This brings me to my biggest SyFy pet peeve — biped aliens who resemble humans except for cosmetic facial differences that often make them strangely more attractive…. except in this case many of the resident aliens resemble an albino Brent Spiner (remember Data from STtNG?). Ew. Not attractive.

Jeb and Irisa, on the run from Spirit Riders (hello! Mad Max! Your villains drifted over here!) end up in the town formerly known as St. Louis, now known as Defiance. One Madame (shades of Firefly) and hot Mayor (sister of the Madame) later, he is Lawkeeper in town and charged with keepin’ the peace.

I miss Battlestar Galactica, Stargate and Firefly enough to give this show a chance and SyFy does specialize in finding a new spin to put on the old tropes… but it does feel a bit like they’ve taken every successful show they’ve had, put them in a blender and spit this bad boy out. If we could get some more hunky shirtless scenes, it would go a lot further in capturing my imagination.

In any case, I am hoping that, like the beaujolais the show has some good tartness, but a longer finish.

Note: Apparently there is some sort of online game that ties into it, but I’d have to put down my glass of wine to check that out and that ain’t happening.

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Oh Bunheads, why do I love you so? Is it because, despite being an ABCFamily show, there is plentiful adult beverage consumption? Is it the super-quick pitter-patter of clever words? Is it Sutton Foster and her deeply ironic, non-diva, non-bubbly, but wonderfully, quixotically funny character?

Maybe it’s the teenaged girls – so smart, so funny, so conniving, messy and imperfect and lovely in their shortness, tallness, skinniness and chubbiness? Perhaps it’s the humps and bumps of a storyline that proceeds along such improbable paths that you just really – REALLY – never know where it is going.

It is effervescent, like champagne, with enough pathos and sweetness that you could compare it to a vintage tawny port. And sancerre has nothing on it in the dryness and minerality department. The dance performances are almost the least of its appeal, but even those are terrific.

In short, I shouldn’t be writing about it here at all, because its not terrible, except that I missed it so much while it was in hiatus. Now it’s back, and the only terrible thing is the week between episodes.

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Soooo…. In your profile you are white, and weigh 100 lbs? And you think the guy you met online is who he says he is? Okkkkaaaaayyy…. 

Catfish, I assume, refers to bottom dwellers, so obviously it is the perfect name for an MTV show about people who meet (romantically?) online and then attempt to meet in real life. The dynamic is that at least one of the people is faking who they are. Apparently the ‘host’ Yaniv “Nev” Schulman made a documentary film about his own failed? deceptive? fraudulent? online relationship and has now turned the concept into a series.

Ah, the Internet. Where we conceal our true selves behind online personas. Where we can edit, retouch, and fake it til we make it. In the episode I saw, a man had presented himself online, for over a year, as who he really is – twentysomething single dad with a band and a blue-collar job. But then the girl he met online morphed from a hot blond funny skinny minnie to a 200+ lb funny, insecure brunette who lives in a storage shed behind a house in Mississippi. Ugh.  I can only imagine how ill he felt as she spouted her love and devotion for him from lips and a face that were utterly unfamiliar.

On Facebook, Twitter, Google+, terribletelevision.com, we can create whole fake worlds for ourselves if we choose. We can edit to present only the best part of ourselves, or we can present totally fake parts of ourselves. But one of the things that the show acknowledges is that, as much as the internet can allow us to present the truth of our minds, the reality is that we are physical people and your attractions are what they are.

And – wow – this show is terrific advertising for Google Image Search!

If you present as the opposite of what you are physically, the idea that your mind will transcend that physical persona is COMPLETELY unrealistic. Mentally, you may connect and be friends. But as Pattie Stanger of The Millionaire Matchmaker  (a Terrible Television for another day) likes to say, “I believe the penis does the picking. If the penis does not get off the couch and raise the flag pole, I got no match. Mr. Downstairs knows who he likes and who he doesn’t like.” That picker is hardwired to the eyeballs people.

Thank goodness DrunkDaddy and I met in real life. Hmmm…think I’ll ask him for some cava. Champagne masquerading as something cheaper. I mean, less expensive. I mean… egh it tastes good!

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So pretty. So very, very pretty.

The first time I watched The Vampire Diaries, I was like “what is this crap?” There were teenagers and vampires literally reading ALOUD from their diaries.

Her: Dear Diary, I met him today, he is so amazing! Too bad my parents just died and I am filled with angst.

Him: Dear Diary, she smells so good, I want to eat her, I love her. Too bad I have so many secrets.

Oh, sweet bebe jesus it was awful. All I could think was “is it Twilight? Is it My So Called Life? WTF is it?”

But I stuck with it. Why, I don’t know. Was it Ian Somerhalters’ dreamy blue eyes and ironic humor? Perhaps. But there is also Nina Dobrev and her soap-opera-worthy doppelganger performance. Not as enticing but almost tiara worthy.

The real draw of the show though? The tight story arcs of the supporting cast. They find a character and then BOOM!!! Blow it up and turn it around.

For example: Cheerleader, type-A prom queen turned vampire, Caroline. Football player, son of the Mayor, turned werewolf, turned hybrid, lover of Caroline, Tyler.

And there is a sexy, flirty, attractiveness to the show, with enough humor and pathos mixed in, that I watch. I’m not saying that the dialogue is West Wing tight, or that the attractiveness of the cast doesn’t border on Arrow-like improbability…but I like it! Especially since it is Thursday night and I can accompany it with pizza and a nice malbec.

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Are two shirtless posts in a row too much? Oh well, no existential angst here.

I started this show a couple of episodes into the season, so I may be missing some of the nuances here, maybe some complex and deeply subtle storytelling but, I really don’t think so.

Arrow is the story of Oliver Queen. Stranded on an island for 5 years after the death of his father (and girlfriend’s sister!) in a yachting accident – of all things – he has returned to the city of his birth to right the wrongs of the world. Following a laundry list of villains left to him by his dear old dad, naturally.

Oh, so much fertile ground for Terrible Television and we haven’t even gotten to the crux of it – his weapon of choice is a BOW AND ARROW! I think I’ll poor me a little cava (like champagne! Only cheaper!) and tune in.

Now at first I thought he was not to be confused with The Green Arrow, despite their common weaponry and strikingly similar green hoodies, because I thought… this story doesn’t seem familiar and, well, I haven’t seen any sign of the Black Canary yet, and she really has the best costume ever. But, as it turns out, it IS based on The Green Arrow. My bad!

Well, we’ll assume you aren’t familiar. Part of my job history includes some heavy time in the comic book industry, so I am well aware of the character. But its been a long time since those nerdy days of yore, and I may have recycled those brain cells already. Enough about me, back to our reluctant hero…

Oliver has returned from the dead to the delight and consternation of his sister (Davie Jones’ daughter!) and mom. But I don’t really care about that. He also kinda has a bodyguard/sidekick, a pissed-off ex-girlfriend (yachting accident+dead sister=mad)  and a ne’er do well billionaire best friend… but what the show really has working for it so far – in these 15 minutes that I have watched it – are his ABS! Good God! I think this show must feature lots of shirtless workout sessions and that might just be enough to keep it afloat.

Now, to damn the show with faint praise:

• There is some entertaining patter – not West Wing level entertaining, but maybe SciFy network level entertaining.
• There is your typical Lois & Clark level set dressing and some pretty serious gels on their lighting set ups.
• He wears some HILARIOUS eye makeup to ‘conceal’ his identity as he runs around in his Arrow hoodie.
• The cast is uniformly attractive and well-groomed. Except Arrow, who has the perma-five o’clock shadow. Of course, that is an art unto itself.
• Some hilarious leaps of faith in the investigative technology sector – using a digital security photo, he identifies a high school class ring from the mark it left on a victims face! LOL.
• There are lots of guns for a show about a guy fighting crime with arrows… and lots of sparks and generic thugs and bad guys to shoot at. With his arrows. Snort.
• This is the short of show that will probably have a ‘gala’ in every episode. Punctuated by flashback scenes of him playing like Tom Hanks in Cast Away, no volleyball in sight.
• I predict lots of neatly tied up plotlines on the vigilante side and dangling storylines on the romantic side – seriously WHERE IS BLACK CANARY?

So far, I am missing the Arrow-Car, Arrow-Cave and Arrow-Plane (as well as Black Canary), but hope springs eternal. Also, will we see Superman? Green Lantern? Is this a pre-cursor to a live-action Justice League? (Notice how I am playing all of my nerd cards here.) The show was picked up for a whole season, so they have plenty of time!

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More of this and it might have gotten picked up….Eh, probably not. 

Surely you’ve heard the news? 666 Park Avenue and Last Resort are not long for this world. Gone too soon! Too soon! Or lasted too long, depending on your tolerance for overwrought storylines and illogical plot twists. 

How do I feel? I was just learning the freakin’ characters names! Those are precious brain cells that will need to be recycled. Let me pour myself some pinot and begin the process.

Anyhoo, I had fallen behind in my re-capping of these shows for obvious reasons.

They were terrible.

Even the promise of possible dripping-wet-Scott-Speedman-abs could not bring me to continue exposing myself to the nuclear waste of Last Resort‘s absurd plotlines. And I was genuinely disappointed by the lack of submariner slang. So. Many. Good. Words. Another missed opportunity.

For 666, the promise of its Hitchcockian (a word? Mayhaps not, but you know what I mean) first few episodes (The Birds moment being my favorite) had diminished in the last few episodes and it definitely seemed to be moving into Desperate Housewives territory. Um, no thanks. That show lasted about 5 seasons longer than it should have.

But don’t worry, there are still a few shows new to this season that I have been eyeing from afar (Arrow – I’m talking to you, sweet thing). So I’m not done with this terrible season just yet….

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We’ve come so far from this moment of extreme stupidity

I am sorry to say that Guys with Kids has jumped the Terrible Television shark and become, dare I say it, not Terrible. In fact, my husband spent a significant portion of last night’s episode laughing his proverbial, but very real, ass off. And, don’t tell him I said this, but he wasn’t wrong. It was funny.

So RIP, Guys with Kids Parental Fail, and long live Guys with Kids Not A Terrible Show. I’m off to drown my sorrows in an un-oaked chardonnay. Perhaps the acidity will burn away the bitter taste in my mouth.

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Oh yeah baby, pour me some of that Veronique

So I got home from my first ever parent/teacher conference, kicked out our superlative nanny, poured a glass of wine and turned on the tube. Lo and behold! A terrible show I’ve never seen before. Ben & Kate.

Now, I am not sure what the premise of the show is – like so many shows I end up watching – but it seems to be a happless-adult-brother-and-sister-suddenly-stuck-living-together sitcom. In the spirit of Kelly and Bud Bundy ten years after Married…With Children, only probably less funny. And Kelly has a kid. Blah blah blah, *whatever*, and I was about to tune out, when the show became totally meta.

Ben, who apparently has no real career, decided to sell wine.

I sell wine (among many other things that I do) so, naturally this plot twist sucked me right back in.

Ben tries to sell wine to stores, can’t get an appointment. Ben tries to sell wine to restaurants, can’t get an appointment. Up to this moment I am feeling for Ben, identifying with Ben and then…Ben buys Girl Scout cookies and decides to sell wine like Girl Scouts…Door-to-door to a bunch of mommies.

Now, selling door-to-door, under the radar of the liquor licensing authorities would be SO MUCH EASIER THAN HOW IT REALLY WORKS! You know, with licenses and regulations, paperwork and whatnot.

Was it funny? Mmmmm maybe it was trying too hard. But it felt so TRUE! Just kidding, it was terrible. Truly terrible.

Ben & Kate airs Tuesday nights at 8:30pm EST on Fox and requires copious amounts of wine.

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