Below Deck, Terrible on the Seas


Adrienne and one of their douchier guests. Ewwww! Cooties!

In my fantasy life, I win the lottery and proceed to an existence that is very Downton Abbey – with me in the Countess position, only younger and more empathetic of course. In our real 21st Century world, it would probably bear more resemblance to the guest roles on Below Deck. This is Bravo’s foray into the downstairs world of Upstairs, Downstairs and it is REAL.

You take all of these young and youngish people – I think the oldest crew member (besides the Captain) is 33. And that dude is an old man, he’s not even allowed to walk around without his shirt on! Which makes me positively geriatric and only suited to be a guest. If I were a crew member, I would probably die of alcohol poisoning. Let’s just admit that, given my moniker, that is really saying something.

With each episode, they host fabulously wealthy and somewhat ridiculous guests. I mean what kind of people order 80 green drinks on a two or three day boat charter? Ugh. I get stomach pains just thinking about it. Boat charters are for swimming and cocktails. Green juice is ridiculous.

We have the curmudgeon of a Captain and his navigation crew, who seem like a technicality. Then we have the ‘service crew’. Oh, they are so awesome. So, so awesome.

The best, and most horrifying for professional women everywhere, dynamic is between the three female cast/crew members:

Adrienne, Type-A, highly anal, controlling and completely stressed out the whole time. Not that I blame her. Becaue working for her she has two loose cannons.

Kat, who was drunk and nekked the first episode that I saw. She sports some not inconsiderable fake boobies and unnaturally blonde hair. On the plus side, she does seem to want to do a good job and she seems to have a good sense of how to treat guests and how to get done what needs to be done. Also, she handled a management confrontation in a constructive and (shocking for reality TV) productive way. That confrontation was, of course, with our third female cast member.

Sam. Oh Sam. The universe is full of things that you do not know, despite your degree in Industrial Engineering. Also, FYI, when I am a guest on your charter I kind of don’t give a crap about your degree unless we are stranded on an island and it means that you and Gilligan can build a bar out of coconut shells and fermented sea water. So, yes, guests will ask you to hang up their clothes, iron their clothes, serve their food, clean the bathroom. Because you are a glorified MAID. See Anna Smith, of Downton Abbey. She should be your role model.

Because the cast/crew has to stay sober while out on their charters, there is a great deal more reason to their behavior during that portion of the show than a lot of Bravo’s other reality shows. But seriously, I just want to win the lottery so that I can go and make Sam prepare me like five million mimosas. And iron 50 pairs of linen pants that I will never, in this lifetime, wear.

Shout out to the chef Ben who, despite seeming a wee bit prima-donna-ish, also seems like the most competent and talented service person. Also, he is relaxed and his sense of irony is deeply intact and on-point. And I bet he could make some good cocktails.


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