Joe Gorga is digging a pit using “the good dirt,” and..is that a leg sticking out of the ground? No matter. Joe Gorga and Melissa are going to be on a billboard for Shnizzle Tan, which is hilarious since I’m not sure who would voluntarily turn their skin that particular shade of Real Housewives Orange.

Caroline is gossiping about the retreat with Jacqueline when Melissa arrives. Blah blah blah, tweets, twits, twats, and Melissa breaks the news to Jacqueline that everyone hugged it out. And, Teresa pinky sweared to Caroline that she would call Jacqueline, so that’s going to happen. Caroline’s deadbeat sons are building out their restaurant which involves an ice cream sundae with a shovel in it, so perfect. Afterwards, they show up at Caroline’s apartment like stray cats begging for a can of tuna. Caroline calls them workaholics which is funny because standing around a construction site and wearing a t-shirt with a giant logo of your gross bottled water is not “work.” Later, Number One Son Albie has a tawk with Caroline. He feels a lot of pressure from his parents to achieve something. Anything, really. So back off, Caroline! He’s just a kid in his late 20s!

Joe Gorga, Melissa, and their herd of children arrive at Teresa’s for dinner. Like a perfect houseguest, Melissa tells Teresa to be on her best behavior for the sake of the kids. They talk about Joe Gorga’s upcoming photo shoot for Shnizzle Tans, a very important tanning salon of the highest quality, Teresa toasts to chi chi, and Melissa turns the conversation towards Jacqueline. Sigh. Can’t these people even have one quiet dinner? Thankfully, Joe Guidice tells everyone to shut the heck up because he can’t hear it anymore. You know, if someone had told me that Joe Guidice would be the voice of reason on this show, I would’ve called them crazier than Teresa’s hairline. Yet here we are.

Melissa is done writing her book and now is the fun part—the cover photoshoot. After makeup is applied with a palette knife and then it’s time for the fans. No, not those kind of fans. Wind machine. Meanwhile, Joe Gorga is oiled up and ready for his own photoshoot for Shnizzle Tans. He looks like a cross between Patrick Swayze playing a Chippendale’s dancer on Saturday Night Live, and Chris Farley playing a Chippendale’s dancer on Saturday Night Live.

Kathy, Rich, Joe Gorga, and Melissa go to singles night at a lesbian bar in New York City with Rosie at a bar that Rich dubs “The Clam Hut.” There are wristbands depending upon your status: Single, D.T.F., Taken, and It’s Complicated. They meet bisexuals, swingers, and one single lesbian bored out of her skull at Rosie’s drunken yammering. Sorry Rosie, but she’s not calling.

When Jacqueline finally spends time with one of her kids, she ends up abandoning him in a toy store to take a call from Teresa. “You know, I just want the hate to stop.” Jacqueline invites Teresa over to get everything off of her chest, but Teresa is afraid of Chez Jacqueline and insists upon a neutral restaurant.

Everybody drives their respective families past Joe Gorga’s billboard for Shnizzle Tan on their way to the showdown between Teresa and Jacqueline at a restaurant filled with unwitting patrons. Thankfully, the restaurant provided them with a private room. The conversation is riveting. “I like your top.” “Uh, I’ll have a cabernet, but give me a good one.” “It’s f*cking f*cked up.” “You should apologize for that.” “What the f*ck is a sociopath? Like a crazy person?” “You’re the one who tweets when you go on your tweet rampage.” “I’ve always done everything to help you.”

Next week, more of this crap, and children on a stripper pole.

image: bravotv.com

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Ugh, this again? Teresa’s still dolphin-squeaking, Joe Gorga’s hair is still dripping down his forehead, and Doctor V. is still picking at a festering sore. That’s both a metaphor, and entirely literal. 

Doctor V. adds Melissa to the mix and suggests that Melissa and Teresa spend quality time together. Blah blah blah, Jacqueline, Kim D., tweets, and Doctor V. very accurately calls Teresa “a dumbass.” Melissa decides to swallow her pride (obligatory swallow joke) and make up with Teresa. They hug, it’s awkward, and then Doctor V. wants to speak with Joe Guidice.

“Hi, how are you?” “Drunk, very drunk.” “Do you find yourself often, Joe, getting dragged into the quarrels?” HAVE YOU NEVER WATCHED THE SHOW, DOCTOR V.? Joe Gorga steps in, and it’s like two cans of ham talking to each other. “You like sawlt?” “Yeah, I like sawlt. You like a little peppuh?” “Yeah, peppuh’s good.” They hug it out, and everyone goes back to their cocktails.

Outside, there’s a snowball fight in the works. Doctor V. waves goodbye. She’s on her way to meet Steve and Stephanie so that they can collaborate on a tell-all an doesn’t have a moment to spare. Kathy is pissed because she didn’t get in on the therapy session. Whatever, Kathy. You’re lucky that you’re even on this show. Instead of taking a high road, or any other road, Kathy plows straight into Teresa and demands an apology for the things Teresa said about Kathy’s father. Surprisingly, Teresa apologizes because, ”awls I care about is us, I do wanna move forward.” Momentum lost, no Kathy-Teresa-catfight-battle plotline.

In a desperate attempt to stir up trouble, Caroline calls Jacqueline to fill her in on the details. Jacqueline explains that she doesn’t want that in her life. No, she wants Buddha, and points to her bedazzled Buddha t-shirt. If she shouted, “I’m om-ing!” I would’ve smashed my teevee.

Somehow, Rosie, Rich, and Joe Gorga end up ice fishing on a lake. This leaves the ladies back at the “castle” making cocktails and dinner. Melissa worries about burning her eyelashes, so she lets Teresa and Kathy take the lead while she swigs vodka straight from the bottle. These ladies are nothing if not classy, which is to say they are nothing. The Joes, Rich, and Rosie roll in and the drinks reach a heightened pitch. Somehow, Joe Giudice and Teresa speak to each other in a language that is either Italian, or Pig Latin. Or, both.

Because they’re drunk, everyone starts doing “trust falls.” Because they’re complete idiots, they do it in front of a roaring fireplace. Sadly, everyone walks away unscathed.

Next week, swingers and more sh*t-stirring with Jacqueline.

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Last week ended with Joe Gorga using his head as a battering ram into Joe Giudice’s voluminous gut because Joe Gorga called Teresa “scum.” This week isn’t much better. “Teresa, help your brother!” Teresa runs out of the room yelling, “Call the cops!” Someone says, “He’s biting my nuts,” elbows are being thrown, for some reason Melissa rushes over to put Joe Gorga’s hat back on his thick head. Then, the women start shrieking at each other while team builders Steve and Stephanie silently circle the room, waiting for an opportunity to introduce trust exercises.

Rich tries to calm Joe Gorga down, and Teresa takes Joe Guidice to his room. On his way out, Joe Gorga offers advice to the team builders: Hey guys, that’s how you deal with trash, you have to become trash. Stephanie, you might want to jot that one down. Melissa also has some deep insight: Saddam Hussein, that’s someone’s brother too, that doesn’t mean he’s a good person.  

According to Melissa, Joe Gorga has a heart of gold, and all he wants is his family. Oh I can totally see that, the man is an absolute teddy bear. Well, with everyone in their own rooms and the booze flowing, they decide to stay for the rest of the night. Then Rich goes to talk to Teresa. That doesn’t go so well and results in Rosie shouting, “We’re all family over here!”

Meanwhile, Melissa and Joe Gorga are crying in their bed like a coked up scene from Casino. For some reason, Rosie decides to bring Teresa over to Joe Gorga’s room so that the two of them can tawk. But Melissa won’t leave and Joe Gorga won’t look at Teresa, so Teresa goes squeaking back to Kathy’s room.

Aaaaand it’s Steve and Stephanie! “You guys have a tremendous amount of passion.” Oh hahaha, that’s cute. Steve recommends everyone “let it rest” and see how it goes tomorrow. He then bro hugs Joe Gorga, which was like watching a gazelle give a lion a belly rub.

Okay, mystery solved. After the fight, everyone had black gunk all over them, like shoe polish or very heavy mascara. Turns out it was from Joe Gorga’s hair—he sprays it with black hairspray, which is why Melissa was rushing to put his hat back on his head before FEMA showed up to clean the cast like oil-slicked pelicans.

While the rest of the family has dinner in the dining room, Joe Guidice and Teresa have “sexytime.” Or as Teresa calls it, “browchickabrowchow.” I never, ever wanted to see the two of these buffoons marinating in a bubble-free bubble bath, but there you have it. Ugh. Pass the brain bleach….

The next morning, the champagne is flowing and Rosie has hope that Doctor V. can succeed where Steve and Stephanie failed. Teresa calls Caroline to ask for help. Caroline knows it’s bad because Teresa never asks for help. “The last thing I wanted to do was go up to Lake George and get involved in the family drama. But….” Oh look! Her bag is already packed.

Doctor V. arrives disguised as a stripper and explains that she’s Italian where it matters, in her vagina. So she’s a classy kind of doctor.  Doctor V. surmises that everything Teresa says is “misinterpreted,” so at a certain point Teresa has to acknowledge her role. Melissa then goes down memory lane with Teresa calling her a stripper and cheating on her husband and the prior day’s fiasco….

In a one-on-one session with Doctor V., Joe Gorga says that he no longer wants to try to fix the situation. He then tells Teresa that he doesn’t want to fight anymore, and he needs more time away. Talking, talking, squeaking, crying, and Joe Gorga and Teresa hug it out.

Meanwhile, Caroline rolls in.  And apparently this was not the season finale, because they’re all still trapped in the “castle” for another week.

Photo: bravotv.com

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The show opens with Melissa teaching her three children how to dance like strippers as she and Joe Gorga pack for the big retreat. Joe Gorga only wants to go so that he can confront Teresa, which seems like a totally healthy way to approach family counseling. Kathy and Rich have no idea why they were even invited in the first place, so they pack extra booze. The only person who seems to really want to be there is Rosie, so good on her.

Everyone other than Teresa and Joe Guidice are getting to the retreat via party bus, complete with a stripper pole.  Well, everyone other than Caroline, who has decided that she doesn’t need to make amends with Teresa. And Jacqueline, who says she would rather get all of her lips waxed. So essentially it’s a monstrous bus for five people, because that’s not at all wasteful.

Teresa and Joe Guidice arrive first and are greeted by the Innkeeper who is clearly unfamiliar with the Real Housewives franchise because he is “very, very excited about having you guys here.” When the remainder of the guests arrive, Teresa shows everyone around the “castle,” as if it’s her own home. It’s a good sign that everyone immediately starts drinking, right?

Lunch is awkwardly quiet until Rosie explains the activities planned for the weekend. The first part of the counseling is lead by team builders who will coax everyone into getting along with each other. Then, Doctor V. will teach communication.

Team builders Steve and Stephanie arrive all hopeful and cheery, completely unaware of the level of insanity they are up against. Steve explains the process, causing everyone to zone out. Then he leads a strange version of musical chairs that involves a lot of groping. Melissa notes that Joe Guidice was really into the game because his brain could understand the concept of what they were doing.

Even though Jacqueline chose not to attend, Teresa finds a way to make it all about Jacqueline. Steve tries to switch the focus back to the people who are in attendance, and Stephanie goes to her happy place. There’s yelling and screeching from Teresa and Melissa, Rosie and Joe Guidice step out onto the balcony for a glass of brown liquid on the rocks, Steve has completely lost control of the group, and Stephanie is updating her resume.

Fighting, fighting, fighting, Joe Gorga calls Teresa scum, Teresa goes out to the balcony to tell Joe Guidice that Joe Gorga called her scum, Joe Gorga storms back into the “castle” and demands an apology from Joe Guidice, and Joe Guidice barrels into Joe Gorga like an angry bull. Punching, hitting, shrieking, and Stephanie files a hostile work environment claim.

Next week, even more fisticuffs!

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Kathy

Jacqueline and Caroline visit Kathy in her test kitchen. Caroline loves it, except that it’s in a scary neighborhood. Rosie arrives to talk about her meeting with Teresa. It got heated, blah blah blah, and everyone’s going on a retreat. Except they don’t want to go. 

Kathy, Rich, Melissa and JoeGorga go to an exotic dance workshop. Rich explains that he’s fantasized about Melissa because of all the rumors that she used to be a stripper. And she does not disappoint because she’s kind of a pro during the class and offers Kathy more tips than the instructor.

Teresa

Teresa makes her entire family wear stupid looking aprons. Her parents show up to make sausage. But this isn’t just any sausage, it’s 800 lbs of sausage. I’m not sure I want to know why a family needs that much sausage, but whatever.

Teresa goes out with her friends, including Kim D. and some chick who is also best friends with Melissa and explains how ridiculous it is that Melissa is writing a relationship book when she had an affair.

Melissa

JoeGorga and Rich go to the driving range where it is clear that Rich has never played golf before. Since JoeGorga has such anger issues, he is good at bashing balls with a stick.  Then, Teresa calls JoeGorga to invite him to a retreat and do “trusting exercises.”

Melissa explains her book, “Love, Italian Style,” to her friends. It’s a book about the secrets to her marriage. Her friends are pulling faces that are equal parts supportive and suspicious.

Later, a realtor takes Melissa out to lunch. Conveniently, the realtor was also out with Teresa when everyone was talking about Melissa. She relays all of the information, which Melissa doesn’t quite believe. Good thing it’s all on television! Later that night, with the entire family minus Teresa, Melissa confronts Kim D. about her role in the rumor mill. When Teresa’s name is mentioned, Jacqueline turns Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Then Melissa makes out with JoeGorga to prove to everyone how strong their marriage is, and tells Kim D., “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, you should go jump off the Gee Doubleyoo.” That’s very, very deep.

Caroline

Caroline goes out for a romantic dinner with her husband, Albert. Caroline attributes the success of her marriage to the little amount of time they spend together, which is certainly a unique approach to marriage.

Jacqueline

Jacqueline and Kathy go shopping for outfits that are two sizes too small. Kathy gets a phone call from Teresa about the retreat and half invites Jacqueline. Because it’s on speaker phone, Jacqueline chimes in and it becomes a battle of, “Honey,” and, “Bitch,” ending in Teresa resorting to, “La la la la la la la I’m not listening la la la” before Teresa accuses Jacqueline of being a stalker and dares her to go on the retreat.

Next week, the least peaceful retreat ever.

Photo: bravotv.com

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Melissa

Melissa’s husband, JoeGorga, pulls up in the driveway saying, “Bitch, yer wife, yer wife, yer f**king wife, bitch,” which I assume is a song? He’s pissed. He had a rough afternoon and doesn’t want to talk in front of his daughter. It’s about his run-in with Teresa at the gym. It turns out Melissa actually did what Teresa said she did, and now JoeGorga is pissed because it’s his sister and “don’t talk sh*t about my sister.” He’s nothing if not eloquent. In other words, he’s nothing.

JoeGorga goes out for drinks with Rosie, who explains that she hasn’t had sex for six years. They then discuss Teresa. Rosie encourages him to give it one more shot with Teresa. She offers to speak to Teresa for JoeGorga, because that’s something that can’t possibly end in bloodshed.

Caroline

Caroline’s sons suddenly realize that they’re never going to find a girl as good as their mother. Then Caroline’s daughter, Lauren, explains that even though she was fat, she was not a “blowjob queen.” Jeez.

Jacqueline

Jacqueline, Caroline, Kathy, and Rosie go to a party at a salon. Jacqueline gets eyebrow threading and asks about the dark circles under her eyes. Caroline gets a call from Teresa about The Gorga Gym Incident. Caroline suggests professional help, and then claims that she will step out of the situation, but I doubt that can ever happen. She immediately fills Jacqueline and Kathy in about the phone call.

Jacqueline tries to teach her son, Nicholas, how to point on the iPad. He cries, then she cries, and her husband shows up so that she can explain to the camera what’s happening. Jacqueline then plugs the article she wrote for Parenting Magazine, and I just want to shoo all of those cameras out of the kid’s face. Ugh.

Kathy

Kathy’s husband, Rich, tried to help out by buying boxes for Kathy’s cannolis, but he failed miserably. He bought thousands of plain white boxes and she wanted extra special blue boxes. The sample Kathy shows him is elegant and sophisticated, and the sample he supplied is something you’d find in FedEx. (As an aside, I like how the overhead shot of their house shows that it backs right up to a highway. Very classy.) Then, Rich surprises her with a fully equipped commercial test kitchen to make her cannolis. She’s not happy about it because he made the decision without consulting her.

Teresa

Teresa and JoeGuidice go to their daughter’s indoor soccer practice to talk about her run-in with JoeGorga. JoeGorga tells Teresa it’s a “Napoleon thing.”

He w as a little short guy who though he could, uh, he wanted to beat everyone up. He ran a little army and then one day the army crashed and everyone turned on him. He had this like little syndrome and people just call it now Napoleon Syndrome For Short People.”

Teresa puts the rumors that she doesn’t write her own recipes or blogs to rest by typing, “I’m excited to share my secret recipes to get your kids eating healthier,” on the electric clicky machine. Then, she gets a call from Rosie. She wants to help straighten out the thing with JoeGorga.

They meet at a bar. Teresa asks for a glass of cabernet, and Rosie brings her a pink poufy drink that is the cosmic opposite of a glass of cabernet. Rosie goes blah blah blah, Teresa says blah blah blah, Teresa was hurt, Rosie wants her to let it be, there are hand gestures, Rosie pounds on the table, there’s yelling, everyone’s staring, Teresa squeaks something about Kathy, Rosie gets even louder, more squeaking, more yelling, cursing, speaking, a drink spills, aaaaaand scene.

Next week, Teresa plans a retreat for the whole family.

Photo: bravotv.com

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Caroline

Caroline’s sister, Fran, who is mooching off of Caroline along with Caroline’s deadbeat daughter, brings a pig to the house. Like, an actual pig and not one of her son’s dates. The pig’s name is Moo Shu, because irony minus creativity equals reality television. Fran suggests sleeping in the garage with the pig, but Caroline offers to stay in Hoboken so that Fran and the pig can have the run of the house.

Teresa

JoeGuidice takes his twelve-year-old daughter, Gia, out for ice cream and learns that his other daughter told Gia that she has “a hairy grew,” which I don’t even want to Google. She also gets asked out on a lot of dates, and JoeGuidice tells her that she can’t give boys anything they want, which is fairly decent advice.

Teresa is at the gym with her friend Linda. They are talking about Gia’s birthday party and Teresa feels “cautiously optimistic” that her brother JoeGorga will attend. At some indeterminate amount of time later, Teresa gets a call from her mother that her father had to go into the hospital. She claims to put her life on hold when it comes to her father’s health, yet still manages to take her kids to the salon to get their hair done for Gia’s birthday party.

Jacqueline

JoeGorga is putting together a hyperbaric oxygen chamber bed for his son, which is a type of therapy for children with autism. But rather than continue paying attention to her son, Jacqueline takes a break to talk to Caroline about the all-important topic of Teresa. Caroline tells her that Teresa wants Jacqueline to give her an apology. Caroline then calls the full family together for a meeting to tell everyone about her conversation with Teresa, because if it wasn’t for Caroline’s conversation with Teresa, she would have no camera time. I mean, seriously. She even hijacked Jacqueline’s portion of the recap!

Kathy

Kathy and Rich’s idiot kid, Joseph, takes the (likely rented) Ferrari out for a spin with Aunt Rosie. When Kathy and Rich get home and find the car missing, the father threatens to “ring his f*cking neck.” But instead of doing the world a great favor, Rich puts his arm around Joseph and makes fun of Kathy for being pissed off. In other words, there are zero repercussions, and no lesson learned.

Melissa

Melissa goes to the gym with Kathy to talk about why JoeGorga is too sick to visit his father in the hospital. Melissa claims that JoeGorga has 103 fever, which is probably not true at all. Jacqueline was supposed to meet up with them for the workout but has some kind of driving disorder, combined with not wanting to be seen working out in public. They spot “that skinny bitch” Linda at the gym, and the ladies suspect that Teresa sent her there to spy on them. As if on cue, Linda calls Teresa to report in because everybody on this show is a tween. Teresa notes that Melissa has time to go to the gym but hasn’t bothered to stop by the hospital to visit her father-in-law. Which, good point.

Melissa gets her kids ready for Gia’s party by spraying aerosol hairspray in their faces (who uses that anymore? Like, how much do you have to hate the planet to use aerosol hairspray?). JoeGorga recommends spitting in Kim D.’s face if she gives Melissa any lip. Well, for a man with 103 fever, he’s pretty feisty and not at all sweaty.

The Party Everyone Has Been Tawking About

The event involves more neon than I’ve ever seen before, and a cake that is shaped like a woman’s private parts (with Gia’s name misspelled). Teresa tells Gia that she wants to be her biffle, which means “Best Friends For Life.” Might be more important to want to be her bimfle, but whatever.

Melissa arrives with her kids and Gia is very happy to see them. Melissa claims that JoeGorga was rushed to the hospital two nights ago with 104 fever (wow, it just keeps going up!), which raises questions about whether or not Melissa got to see her father-in-law. She says that she visited him in the hospital, but Teresa is not convinced. Melissa then embellishes the story by saying she spent the whole day there with her kid and calls Teresa a liar for calling her a liar. There’s the typical Storming Out Of The Party routine, and when Melissa gathers up her kids to leave, the birthday girl is the only voice of reason and asks everyone to stop fighting at her party. Then, Gia’s friends smear the x-rated cake all over her face, and everyone is happy.

Next week, Melissa is writing “an actual advice book.”

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Reprinted with permission from www.moderndaymom.com

Caroline

Caroline’s daughter, Lauren, calls herself “a grown-ass woman,” but her father reminds her that she is a grown-ass woman mooching off of her parents.  Caroline’s sister, Fran, is also living in Caroline’s house and is considerate enough of a houseguest to take in a three-legged foster dog.  While sitting around the breakfast bar like a big, happy family, Caroline tells her husband that she’s asking Teresa to meet with her to talk about Teresa’s brother’s concerns. Caroline makes a half-hearted attempt at acting like she is not totally excited about getting into the middle of this, but even Fran’s three-legged dog isn’t buying it.

Teresa

Teresa is in the kitchen mushing gruel around in a pan  (with her cookbook prominently product placemented on the counter) while her kids yell at each other. She tells them to sit down, shut up, and make cards for either Nono, or Hobo. Whichever, I’m sure he’ll love the sentiment.

Caroline’s text arrives, and Teresa asks Kim for advice about meeting with Caroline (while wearing a bedazzled trucker hat that is probably meant to drown out the voices). When Teresa gets home, she tells her husband, Joe, that Caroline wants to meet with her to tawk about everything. Joe tells Teresa to demand an apology and leave if she doesn’t get one, so I’m guessing it is going to be a very short meeting.

Jacqueline

Jacqueline is doing a video blog for Parenting Magazine which, holy hell, really? She is offering parenting advice?  I mean good for her telling the story about how she realized her kid had autistm, but really, perhaps the family that has the cameras in their faces twenty-four-seven is not the family others’ should turn to for insight. But what do I know, I have a cat.

Meanwhile, Melissa’s husband is talking to Jacqueline’s husband about Viagra. Pass the brain bleach! He invites everybody over for dinner. When they arrive, the boys plus Rosie go off to play poker. The men have lots of questions for Rosie. Is she a boobs or ass girl? Boobs. Has she ever been with a man? No. Men. Always so flummoxed that a woman wouldn’t want to have anything to do with their manliness.

Aw, that’s sweet. Jacqueline’s husband taught her son to say, “I love you,” which gives Jacqueline hope that he is capable of so much more (the son, not the husband). And I’m not even going to get into how the parroted words were bribed with a lollipop, because it doesn’t even matter. It was sweet.

Kathy

Kathy and her husband, Rich, try to teach their idiot son, Joseph, how to drive. It’s scary. Real scary.  The kid is a moron and ought to come with a warning label not to operate heavy machinery. They then pick up their daughter, Victoria, from Caldwell College, a school for nuns, nunnery, and possibly nunsense.  Ooh. I actually know a professor at Caldwell College. Lucky for Victoria he is too ethical to dish the dirt.

Melissa

Melissa gets a visitor. It’s Jerry, a real estate agent who has been trying to unload their McMansion for the past six months, but nobody wants a house with a coating of gold paint and desperation. Why is Melissa selling this palace? Because she doesn’t want her kids going to school with Teresa’s kids. Yeah. Because but for Teresa’s kids, Melissa’s kids would be Nobel Peace Prize winners.

Jerry hosts an open house for potential buyers, and for some reason Melissa thinks it’s a good idea to have kids running around the house while the buyers are touring the property. Oh, ha! A sink handle in the master bathroom falls off in the buyer’s hands, and there’s a massive crack in the vanity that reveals it’s wood with a faux marble coating. Well what do you expect for $3.8 million? A real marble vanity? What do you think this is, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?

The Big Showdown Between Teresa And Caroline

Teresa begins by telling Caroline how good she looks, and she does look good, for Caroline. Teresa doesn’t like Caroline getting in the middle, especially (or, rather, “expecially”) since Caroline has yet to mend fences with her own sister, Dina. She notes that “it’s like the Italians say, ‘when the third person comes in, it causes more problems.’” The Italians were probably talking about the bedroom, but whatever. Caroline then shoots back something about Kim D., and wants to know how Teresa can call her a friend. Then there’s tawk about Jacqueline being “a true and loyal friend,” and Teresa being a different person, and I’m lost. The purpose of this meeting is a little unclear. But wait! A breakthrough! If Melissa admits that she was “a f***ing bitch,” then Teresa will admit that she was “a f***ing bitch.” So…progress?

Next week, that moron of a kid takes his father’s (probably rented) Ferrari out for a spin, and Melissa and Teresa have a meeting of the minds, minus the minds.

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Reprinted with permission from www.moderndaymom.com

Welcome to another calm, peaceful, uneventful season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, where blood is thicker than war-der. Ha, just kidding. They’re all ready to kill each other, or at least take a swipe at Teresa’s weave.

But first, it’s A Very Special Episode of The Real Housewives, as they each drive through the destruction from Hurricane Sandy in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Second homes have been destroyed, people! Melissa and Joe walk into a soaking wet mess, and Teresa finds Joe cleaning up the debris in their summer home. Sadly, all of Teresa’s tacky tchotchkes have been washed out to sea. Mention is made of the people who lost everything, and that means we’re done with the obligatory, “We’re good people, see?” portion of the show. And now, the good stuff.

Teresa

Teresa emphasizes the importance of helping others to her kids, and explains that people are in dire need of glamorous clothing and shoes. In an act of kindness and compassion, Teresa’s kids donate some of their age-inappropriate clothing to the victims of Hurricane Sandy, so that in addition to storm victims, they can also be fashion victims.

In violation of a strict Do Not Speak To The Giudices mandate, one of Melissa’s kids writes one of Teresa’s kids a letter to say that she misses her, which is cute. It’s good to use your kids as pawns in a family feud because it won’t mess them up at all. One kid calls the other, while a third shows the letter to Papa Giudice who mumbles and grumbles something about strippers. Then, Teresa takes her twelve-year-old, Gia, clothes shopping, and is told not to do that squeaky voice ever again because it’s embarrassing. Thank you, Gia. For this one fleeting moment, you are the voice of reason. Gia then dresses herself up in a skirt from The Hooker Kollection for Kidz and tells her mother, “I kind of like a guy, and the guy likes me.” Aww. They grow up so fast.

Jacqueline

Jacqueline talks about her three-year-old’s autism. Good for her, shoving cameras and lighting in an autistic child’s face all day. That’s gotta be super duper helpful. The sad thing is, Jacqueline noticed a huge improvement in her child during the hurricane, when she and her husband were home with him all day. Um, yeah. Maybe do more of that and less of this?

Later, Jacqueline gets trapped talking about the Melissa-Teresa feud with Caroline. She says that hearing about the family drama is “right up there on my priority list with bleaching my a**hole.” So maybe there’s hope for this a**hole yet.

Caroline

Caroline is “considering downsizing,” which means renting an apartment in Hoboken with her deadbeat daughter. Melissa and Joe visit and Melissa explains that she is uncomfortable dropping her kid off at Teresa’s house. She texts Teresa to tell her that she wants to take the kids out for a play date. Joe prompts Teresa to reply that she wants to take the kids out. Then Melissa replies that she wants to be the one to take the kids, and, really? This is beyond inane. Finally, someone has the bright idea for everyone to take the kids out together.

Because Caroline wasn’t done talking about the Melissa-Teresa feud with Jacqueline, she has a sit-down with Melissa’s husband, Joe. You see, Caroline “made a promise to myself not to get involved, but….”

Kathy

Nobody is interested in Kathy, right? Okay, good. Moving on!

Melissa

Melissa and her husband talk about The Great Giudice Battle Of 2012. Apparently it’s all Teresa’s fault, because Teresa tawks about Melissa being a stripper. Wait, I thought Jacqueline was the stripper. Huh. Okay. More strippers.

Thanks to the whining of two little children who are used to getting their way, both Melissa and Teresa take the girls out to make jewelry at a place that’s filled with beads and baubles and blings. While the kids are stringing necklaces, Teresa tries talking to Melissa, but Melissa is having none of it and spends the time staring out into space and flipping her hair. Which is probably fairly normal for Melissa, but still. Since it’s not about the kids at all, the children are whisked away in separate cars, to separate homes, never to see each other again.

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