This week begins with a visit to Marissa’s moderate home so that she and Caroline can drone on and on about Thanksgiving. The ladies flop down in bed, perform the ritualistic Removal Of The Boots, and reminisce about a Thanksgiving dinner that, thankfully, landed on the cutting room floor.

Meanwhile, Annabelle, Marissa, and Julie navigate a gallery opening littered with bear traps. Julie is thrilled that anyone wants to take her photo, oblivious that the photographers are only snapping her shot in the hopes that Annabelle will wander into the frame. I guess cast-off attention is better than no attention in the reality television world….

Oh jeez, it’s Caroline and Caroline. How am I supposed to recap this crap? Buttery Blonde Caroline and Slightly Brassier Caroline? Oh wait—the newer Caroline is a Baroness! So it’s Caroline and Baroness Von Caroline of the Haughty Taughty Carolines. “I come from a really important, old, aristocratic Danish family.” Well, at least she’s modest.

Baroness Caroline is having a fahncy pahtay and Julie wrangles herself an invitation, plus one. She’s bringing Juliet as her date, and OMG! What to wear? WHAT TO WEAR?! They borrow two of Annabelle’s red McQueen dresses because who doesn’t have spare red couture lying around the house? The party is done to the nines and, I have to say, Baroness Caroline’s dress is stunning. She manages to pull off effortless elegance, barefoot because why not, and is quickly turning into my favorite Lady. Until she speaks. “My parents, my grandparents, my great parents, have been renowned for throwing the most incredible dinner pahtays.” Just, ugh.

Hahaha, Baroness Caroline serves Cheetos to the ‘muricans. Okay, she’s my favorite again.

It’s goose for dinner, but Juliet doesn’t eat goose. It’s like Fopperton Estates all over again with this one. Baroness Caroline dives right in and gnaws on a goose wing with her bare, ladylike hands, hawking up what is either a chortle or a hairball for good measure. And for dessert, fruit. But much like Juliet and the Goose (not a bad name for a children’s book), Caroline doesn’t eat fruit. It’s all due to a terrible boarding school incident that was traumatic enough to remove an entire food group from Caroline’s pyramid. But Baroness Caroline is having none of it and force feeds Caroline an orange glob because that’s what friends do, right? Then, before the last citrus has been swallowed, Baroness Caroline kicks everyone out of her home. Did I mention that I really, really like this Lady?

The next drama surrounds a holiday party at Royal Albert Hall. Marissa doesn’t invite Juliet to the Christmas Carol Sing-Along which I thought was something that didn’t require an invitation from Marissa so much as a donation to the appropriate charity, but what do I know, I still eat my goose with a knife and fork. Ooh, Annabelle calls Marissa “upper aspirational middle class” for hosting the party. Zing!

So what does Juliet do while everyone of any import is at Royal Albert Hall? She meets her husband for a drink outside, in the winter. It’s as sad as it sounds, and later that evening or week or month, Juliet has a drink with Marissa which is even sadder. Juliet, honey. Just stop trying so hard. You do you, but quietly in the corner.

Next week, “Did you just straddle my husband?” “We both did, dahling.”

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Welcome to the second season of House Of DVF, where fashion icon and walking wrap dress Diane Von Furstenberg conducts the most elaborate job interview ever to find its new brand ambassador. Basically, the job candidates have to work for DVF until all but one drop. But…what are they gonna do with the old brand ambassador, Brittany Hampton? I guess just toss her on the heaping pile of former somethingorothers because she’s about to be replaced. But before that happens, she is contractually obligated to help select her upgrade, with a smile and a smize. Wait, no, wrong show. Anyway, to the reaping!

The interviews begin where all good things should, in New York. Diane and Brittany are assisted in the arduous task of selecting the next brand ambassador by two executive-ish assistants, Brunette and Redhead. Brunette interviews potential candidates in her office, whereas Redheaded conducts her interviews at…a bar? Sure, why not.

Brunette and Redhead run their picks past Diane via iPad. One of the candidates, Cat, has the balls to say that the cool kids aren’t wearing DVF, which, truth. This earns her a for realsies interview along with Chantal, who is no more interesting than a tub of low fat yogurt. There’s also Jeremy who styled someone important with nothing but a ring, and Maytee, who lost a hundred pounds to be there because heaven forbid anyone in the fashion industry weight as much as a normal human.

Aaaand Chantal vomits. Diane is not impressed.

The candidates’ first task is to take photos of something inspiring behind the scenes at a fashion show with nothing but their wits and an iPad. So, pretty much just an iPad. And if there’s anything more annoying than having your photo taken while you are working, it’s having your photo taken with a giant freaking iPad.

Cat Balls Out walks up to Anna Wintour in the front row and asks her an incomprehensible question for DVF dot com. Ms. Wintour looks frightened and alone, and I’m pretty sure someone is getting fired for allowing this to happen.

After the runway show, the four candidates show Diane their photos so that she can see the fashion show through their eyes. Cat kisses up with a photo of Diane, and she falls for it hard. Maytee hands over two unremarkable photos, but Diane likes her “joie de vivre.” Chantal tries to make up for vomiting with some action shots of the models feeling all the feels. Not bad, Chantal. Jeremy took close-ups of pants suits and it’s pretty awful. Diane does not feel that he captured the mood of the show. She hands him a gift bag and shoves him out the door.

With three candidates from the East Coast locked in, it’s time to sift through the peons on the West Coast. Brittnay asks one of the candidates how having a child affects her work life which I’m pretty sure would be a massive HR violation if this were a real job interview. Brunette and Redhead join forces to interview a lot of dingbats, including someone who calls outfits wowfits. A candidate gets bonus points for showing up in a wrap dress which, duh. Then, “My name is Allie, and I was actually born in an alley.” Oh FFS.

Diane invites her family, employees, and Christian Louboutin over for a slumber party to choose the final candidates, who all seem to have a modeling portfolio for a job that does not involve modeling. The group culls the herd to four annoying people plus one nice girl named Leah. There’s Hannah in a very fuzzy outfit, psychic/psycho Cree, Allie From The Valley (in head-to-toe bubblegum pink), and Breagan The Single Mom.

The five candidates are tasked with styling Rachel Zoe from whatever shmatas they can find in a DVF store, and somehow Allie sweats all over a dress before Rachel even arrives. Cree takes charge of the situation and welcomes Rachel to her humble home as each candidate explains why they chose their look. “I…love you in a gold moment?” Rachel Zoe has thoughts. She would not wear a jumpsuit to Vanity Fair. Cree’s above-the-knee dress is a no-no because Rachel does not show her knees, ever. Which makes me wonder if she’s smuggling two elderly men who are angry about their pudding underneath all of those maxi dresses. Hannah’s black sequined maxi dress with a plunging neckline is the clear winner. “That’s a moment…that’s a real moment.”

With four spots for five people, someone has to go home. Hannah stays because she won the styling challenge. Nice Leah gets to stay because she exhibited enthusiasm despite making no sense with her words. Cree was a clunker on her dress selection, but saved herself by leading the discussion when Rachel Zoe entered the room.

So, between Single Mom and Barbie’s Dreamhouse, Diane eliminates Single Mom because “first of all, never mention your child and sacrifice….” Sigh. Thanks, Diane Von Furstenberg, for setting such a lousy example for women everywhere. Single Mom already made the hard decision to leave her kid in what I assume are capable hands while she furthers her career and doesn’t need you second-guessing her parenting skills. I have heard that it’s entirely possible to raise a kid and work at the same time, but I guess that’s not an option at DVF.

Next week, the nine contestants will begin battling each other to the death for the opportunity to secure a job with a starting salary that couldn’t even buy you a Birkin Bag.

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Where did Carol get her extensive collection of sensible ladies’ wear? And how are her collars so neatly pressed in the zombie apocalypse? It’s all just so contrary to everything I know about the end of civilization. Maggie, too. She’s sporting a pressed button-down that is less wrinkled than I’ve been on any job interview. Ugh, even Li’l Asskicker has a North West-level wardrobe.

And trading recipes on the porch? Please. There’s no way that this town survived on its wits. “You can tell the difference between walkers and humans just by sound?” Um, what? You can’t? How are you still alive?

The highlight of the episode? Daryl eatin’ spaghetti. Oh, Daryl. Stay gold, Ponyboy.  And it’s heavy-handed metaphor time, with Michonne hanging her sword on the wall like she just purchased it off of QVC and Rick getting his hand stamped One of us! One of us! One of us! 

How many more episodes until things go really bad in Mayberry? I’m guessing one. Maybe two. But no more than three or this’ll turn into just another season on the farm. Also, there are only three episodes left, so…flaming zombies, or something.

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Hannah returns to New York to find Adam living in her old apartment with his new girlfriend. She is, of course, despondent. Because Shoshanna has nothing better to do, she comes over to console her friend. They watch a video of Adam’s new girlfriend being way smarter and prettier than Hannah and it sends Hannah into a deep sadness.

Jessa is also at Hannah’s old apartment, which is now Hannah’s new apartment, along with Adam and his new girlfriend, which makes Hannah Adam’s old girlfriend. Hannah is pissed because Jessa already knew about the new girlfriend but didn’t tell Hannah because Jessa was too busy not caring. Hannah punches Jessa, Jessa punches Hannah, and Hannah finishes the fight by flipping Jessa the bird.

Rather than face the horrors of the new girlfriend with her old boyfriend, Hannah holes up in her bedroom. She takes the quarantine very seriously and pees in a flowerpot-slash-magazine rack. When she eventually emerges from the bedroom (mind you, this is an extra bedroom, something that, much like herpes and a wardrobe constructed entirely of synthetic fabrics, every young person in New York has). Adam’s pregnant sister is on the couch receiving a foot rub from Laird. Absolutely nobody notices that not a single person, nor group of people, in this apartment can afford even a fraction of the rent, furnishings, or general decor.

They ought to just install a revolving door because now Ray is in the kitchen. Where are these people coming from? How do they have this much spare time to just wander around Brooklyn doing pop-ins? Food is being cooked, yet grocery shopping never happened. Hannah cuts her hand on bacon and Ray bandages it up like a doctor, or like someone who keeps bandages in their apartment as opposed to frantically running to Duane Reade. Then he duct tapes a rubber glove over Hannah’s hand and I feel much better about Millennials.

Oh good! Marni pops in to check on Hannah. They yell at each other so Hannah hides in the unrealistically enormous bathroom watching YoutTube videos of Adam’s new girlfriend, who I think might be a Miss America contestant from one of those square states. Marni bursts into the bathroom and explains to Hannah that Adam is with the new girlfriend because Hannah has no redeeming qualities.

With no hope left, Hannah packs her bag but Adam arrives before she can vacate the premises. He rebandages her hand because twenty-four-year-olds are known for keeping bacitracin and gauze in their medicine cabinets. He explains to Hannah that it wasn’t until she was gone that he realized just how intolerable it was to be around her all the time. She cries, begging him to take her back. “No.” He squirts some more ointment on her hand, and they part as friends.

Rather than stay with one of the many, many friends who wandered into her apartment that day, Hannah decides to live in a storage closet with the rest of her possessions.

El fin!

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Lady Mary has a lover, Lady Edith has a bastard baby, and Lady Cora has an admirer. It’s a romantic liaison of a season for the upstairs of the Abbey.

But Lord Grantham is none to pleased with his wife’s sudden interest in art and her tag-along admirer of pretty things. And Lady Mary, heh. She was all about Tony until she, well, got to know Tony a little bit better if you know what I mean. Ooh! Granny Grantham is not pleased that Mary gave away the goods without first selling the cow. Then there’s Miss Bunting and Mister Tom. There’s not much to say about that milquetoast couple exempt I can’t be the only person counting the days until Tom sets sail for America. And let’s not forget Lady Rose who is absolutely besides herself that there’s not enough lemon for her Russian comrades.

Speaking of Russian comrades, Granny Grantham has an admirer of her own. More specifically, she had an admirer. Back in Saint Petersburg decades and decades ago. And he’s a prince! And now he’s here, in Downton Abbey! That’s not totally and completely awkward at all. Or as Lady Mary puts it, “Granny has a paaaahhhst!”

Next week, more juicy plot lines including Bates, Lady Mary, and even sad sack Lady Edith.

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Golden Globe loser and human rumpus room Lena Dunham is back with her fourth season of Girls. The theme of this season is brought to us by Frank Sinatra:

If I can make it there, I’m gonna make it anywhere.
And if I can’t, I’ll just go to grad school.

College is four years in the rearview mirror, and in that time Hannah has accomplished…nothing. Other than quitting all the jobs. So it’s off to grad school to delay adulthood for another few years. Her on-again boyfriend, Adam, sums it up by noting that Hannah is “taking a next step in a series of random steps.”

The other three yahoos aren’t faring much better. Marni’s having kitchen sex, and Shoshanna is finally getting her diploma from NYU. Wait — that’s [does math] eight years of college?! At $25,000 per semester in tuition (without even talking about room and board), that’s [more math] $400,000 to graduate with no discernible skills! Ugh, parents. Why do you enable? And that other one, Jessa. She’s getting the boot from the elderly artist’s daughter who is the only twenty-something in the confines of this television show with any sort of sense. Also, Jessa seems to have lost her accent. Can that happen?

Oh look, that musician who was screwing Marni in the kitchen is still dating the prettier girl. I can’t tell if everyone is gathered for a going away party for Hannah, or a concert by Marni. Hmm. There are balloons, so I’m going with party. Nope. It’s just the worst jazz brunch in the world. Marni storms off the stage when she realizes that people are paying more attention to their egg white omelets than her braying. Which pretty much sums up this generation.

TOTALLY UNREALISTIC APARTMENT MOMENT: Hannah is moving out of the very large two bedroom apartment she shares with Adam, so…he’s taking over the apartment. Because struggling actors are known for their square footage, and landlords are totally okay with tenants who have no steady income.

Anyway, Hannah’s parents arrive at what is now Adam’s apartment to drive Hannah to grad school. As if anyone thought Hannah could relocate on her own.

Next week, Hannah drops wisdom bombs on her younger classmates.

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Three episodes left in what has been a comparatively decent season of The Walking Dead and our smelly little friends can’t seem to get themselves off of their new metaphorical farm. It’s a mere six hundred or so miles from Atlanta to Washington, D.C., yet these yokels have barely made it to the exurbs.

No matter though because SPOILER ALERT the Kenny Powers doppelgänger is not really a scientist. Nope. He’s just some guy who has spent a lot of time wandering the autism spectrum and figured his best shot at survival was pretending to be a man with a “very important mission.” Kudos to you, Eugene Porter. You really are business in the front.

Welp. That’s only vaguely disappointing. Now are we finally done with these tangential characters? And can we get back to some Carol and Daryl?

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Battle lines are drawn from the get-go—Jeremy wants Josh out, and Josh wants Jeremy out. But Baylor is all, “Josh who?” which hurt Josh’s fee fees since he saved her life. And by “saved her life,” he means “didn’t vote her out.” Baylor’s mommy tells her that she has to be “a little bit phony.” Thanks for clarifying the game, lady. She also tells Baylor to smile to everybody just in case there’s a beauty pageant aspect to the game. And how is Twinnie still in the game? I figured she would’ve annoyed fourteen billion people by now, but there she is, quiet as a mouse.

We need to discuss trail mix, the elixir of life. Julie squirreled pounds of it into her bag during the feast. Her new tribemates remembered the delicious treat existed and went through Julie’s bag while she was off working. On her tan. It became a thing, and when there’s a thing, it’s never a good thing. So Julie, a contestant who was flying pretty low under the radar considering her boyfriend is noted bigot-racist-baseballer John Rocker, is now on the chopping block over what I have to say looks like some fairly good trail mix.

The first individual Immunity Challenge is all about balancing balls on boards. It is boring, and Keith wins. Back at camp, there’s more talk about trail mix and it causes Julie’s face to form something approaching sadness. She wants to go home, but Baylor’s mommy talks her off of the ledge.

Meanwhile, Josh writes a new Broadway show with a rousing song and dance finale titled “Couples Together, Singles Out”:

Having your loved ones means camaraderie,

Being alone spells another vote for me,

Keep it together,

Surviving forever,

The tribe has spoken,

Your game is broken,

Vote the singles out [dramatic pause] tonight!

 Oh what? Julie summons Jeff to the beach. She hasn’t gone more than four days without being with her meathead boyfriend, everyone is mean-girling her, and she wants to go home. “They’re talking about my boobs…making jokes…..” Seriously? You’re quitting the game because people are mocking your comically huge and clearly enhanced boobs? Oh. My. Gosh.

Jeff asks everyone to pull up a log. “Julie is quitting the game.” The tribe talks crap about Julie because she did nothing, she stole food, and she’s really quitting because there’s no way that she can ever win the game. The only person mildly perturbed by Julie’s departure is Jeremy, who was counting on her vote. But hey, at least this gives him another three days to figure it all out.

Next week, the men and women split.

Reprinted from TravelFreak.com

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Okay okay okay, Jeff arrives on the blue tribe’s beach. He’s carrying a sack of rice on his shoulder so he means business. Julie’s crying which I didn’t think she could do after the surgery. Jeff can only remember one other time that a tribe needed their rice replenished, and that was in Australia and there was some sort of flood involved. It’s fourteen days in, and Jeff declares this tribe The Worst. “In fairness of the game…the penalty for [eating all of your damned rice] has to be just. “ Jeff wants the tarp, the hammock, the bed roll, the pillows, the blankets, the candles….the hatchet, the hammer, one of the pots, and the extra flint. Um, is there a Bed Bath and Beyond on the beach? Where did they get such lavish stuff? Are those scented candles? Anyway, that leaves the blue tribe with a machete, a pot, and a piece of flint. They take the deal and will be playing the game how it should be played.

During a boring Immunity Challenge involving blindfolds and touching, Reed wins reward for the blue team and Natalie volunteers to go to Exile Island with Baylor from the orange tribe. The reward is a delicious kabob meal…and they get to keep the grill. But without a tarp or a bed or a loofah, life is hard at the blue tribe’s camp and Julie cries her way through the cold, rainy night.

The Immunity Challenge is a puzzle piece collection flag puzzle solving kind of game that also involves rolling a giant wooden cube along the beach to create platforms tall enough to reach the puzzle pieces. After trailing through an exhausting challenge, the blue tribe catches up on the puzzle portion because Josh and Reed are the perfect smarty pants super couple. And with that, the blue tribe continues its winning streak while the orange tribe is headed for Tribal Council.

While grilling crabs on a skewer, Dale cuts a deal with Jon—if he makes it through the vote, he will give Jon his [fake] Immunity Idol. Have these idiots never seen the show before? I mean, how stupid do you have to be to buy the old fake Immunity Idol routine? It doesn’t even look like an Immunity Idol, it’s all puny and sad. Okay, not that stupid because the plan is to split the vote between Dale and Keith, just in case it’s a real Immunity Idol. There ought to be some sort of price check scanner, where players can check and see if it’s a genuine Immunity Idol before the vote. Then again, that wouldn’t be much of a game.

The jibber-jabber is a snore, Dale fails to play his [fake] Immunity Idol, and Jeff reads the votes: Dale, Keith, Missy, Keith, Dale, Dale. Sorry, Dale. You tried, but you just had no hand to play.

Next week, merge!

Reprinted from TravelFreak.com

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After Drew single-handedly threw the Immunity Challenge, earning him a spot on a flight back to wherever he came from, the tribe is elated. The orange team is shocked to see him gone, and Jeff is shocked that anyone is shocked because what do you know, orange tribe?

Drop. Your. Buffs.

Kelly and her dad, Missy and her daughter, Josh and Reed, Jon and his girlfriend…there are three whole pairs of loved ones on the orange tribe, and one measly pair on the blue team. It’s too early to tell how this might shake up the game.

The food situation on the blue tribe is dismal. Wes suspects the former blue tribe’s chow downs is why they kept winning the challenges. Meanwhile, the new orange tribe is super duper excited about all of the food. Missy puts fives scoops of rice into the water. Dale tries to slow her roll, but There’s a ton of rice at this camp…that’s not how we did it over there, we made so much more than this!

What the orange tribe is not super excited about is Jacqueline and Jon’s excessive lovey doveying, which is gross because these people are all stinky and grubby and have not brushed their teeth in weeks. The other couples are far less lovey dovey since they are mother-daughter and father-daughter. But still, it’s way too gropey on this tribe.

Come on in guys! Look at you in your new buffs, one tribe with full bellies and the other with the tummy grumbles. The challenge is a digging up a bag and crawling through the mud to open a gate and shake sand bags loose that must be tossed onto wobbly platforms kind of thing.

Despite having eaten twelve pounds of rice, the orange team is useless. The blue team dominates the bag digging, mud crawling, and sand bag shaking portion of the game. Twenty blue sandbags fall out of a perch as the orange team scrambles through the mud. Blah blah blah, the blue team wins by an embarrassing amount and the orange tribe is headed to Tribal Council. Also, everyone is covered in mud and dirt.

But wait! The blue tribe wants to talk to Jeff. “We’re basically out of food….” Jeff says he will discuss it with them after he deals with the orange tribe at Tribal Council. What on earth could they have to trade? Shelter? Or…a loved one?

At the orange camp, two couples team up to get rid of Missy or Baylor. Then, one of the couples start speed dating Missy and Baylor. It’s all so weird, and I could barely tell these people apart when they were on their original tribes so now I’m just thoroughly confused.

Yammer yammer yammer, I’ll go tally the votes. Baylor, Kelly(?!), Baylor, Kelly, Dale(?!?!), Dale, Kelly….I don’t get it….Kelly goes home because Dale didn’t want Missy to eat all of the rice? Sure, why not.

Next week, Dale makes a fake Immunity Idol and Jeff cuts the blue tribe a deal.

Reprinted from TravelFreak.com

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