What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Episode 1: The Lochterage


Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

Ryan Lochte has a dream. World peace. Ha, no. Ryan’s dream is to have his own apparel and accessory line. To get himself started, Ryan created sparkly green sneakers with his name on the bottom so that if he ever forgets, he can always check his soles. Ryan wants that little Lochte edge, but has no idea what it is beyond a facial gesture involving the stretching out of his bottom lip in a downward direction and a generally vacant stare.

We learn that Ryan Lochte always pees in the pool and double always says “Jeah.” He trains in Gainsville, Florida, where he is surrounded by his Lochterage. A Lochterage is like an entourage, only the sycophants swirl around Ryan Lochte instead of a real star. The head of the Lochterage is Ryan’s brother, Devon. He is the brains of the operation, which is not saying much of anything.

Ryan Lochte appears to have two catch phrases. The first is “Jeah,” which means nothing and everything, all at once. The other is “Turn it up,” which entails eating, sleeping, swimming, and playing flip cup. It is essential that the Lochterage repeat both of these catch phrases as often as possible so that people know who Ryan Lochte is outside of the swimming pool.

Things that fell out of Ryan Lochte’s mouth before he remembered to close it:

  • I don’t even remember what I got at the Olympics.
  • You know my philosophy, you gotta be a man at night and you gotta be a man in the morning.
  • Who cares if you’re in pain? No one else does.
  • Being with Jaime is the longest roller coaster I’ve ever been on.
  • I didn’t burn no popcorn.

What does a date with Ryan Lochte look like? Poor Megan is about to find out. It involves sushi, which according to Ryan Lochte are wontons and edamame. He explains to Poor Megan that he wants someone to share his heart with, which is a strange thing to say on a first date. Although Poor Megan made him laugh more than once, she is not the one because she’s moving to Los Angeles. But don’t worry, there will be another girl and another sushi roll soon enough. No, really, there will be. Because Ryan Lochte brings all of his dates to the same restaurant.

Ryan Lochte also went bowling with his very tolerant family, and watched movies with his two sisters. So that was nice to see. But the bulk of Ryan Lochte’s activities seemed to be focused on dating college girls and recruiting more people into his Lochterage. Oh, and there was some swimming.

The rest of the season promises to be more of Ryan Lochte doing more things, and saying more semi-words. And ooh! More sneakers!

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