Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

Adam took his new girlfriend, Natalia, to a chick flick. It worked, because she then informed him that “I’m ready to have sex now.”

Just when you think Hannah’s outfit can’t get any frumpier, she’s picking a wedgie out of a yellow striped jumper eight times before meeting with her editor, Damon. He didn’t finish reading her pages because they did not hold his interest, and he inquires whether her hymen grew back.

Back at home, Hannah tries writing on the floor because maybe it was the chair that was the problem. I wish she’d put some pants on because I’m assuming that floor has not been swept by anything other than her ass in a very long time. Yup. She’s got an ass splinter. We are then treated to Hannah plucking a splinter out of her ass and simultaneously stabbing her ear with a Q-tip until it’s stuck. This now requires a pantsless visit to the hospital, which is weird because I’ve had my fair share of middle-of-the-night trips to the emergency room, and somehow I always managed to put my pants on before leaving the apartment. Anyway, the doctor removes the Q-tip, and Hannah is not so much freaked out by her bloody ear as much as having uneven-feeling ears.

Marnie stops by Charlie’s office again because they had lunch plans and he forgot. To make up for it, he invites Marnie to an office party later that night. She’s sort of turning into that kid who graduated high school but keeps coming back to see what everyone’s been doing lately.

At the office party, I count two thousand white people and…precisely one black person, which is strange because this is supposed to be New York City. It’s almost like there’s this completely separate borough called Whitelyn, accessible only by the K train. Shoshanna shows up wearing a spaceship on her head and someone Ray calls “Bazooka Joe” is hitting on her. Marnie arrives and tells Ray that she has something special planned that involves her voice, and I’m already cringing.

Once everyone is really enjoying the music, Marnie grabs the mic and sings a really, really, really awful song that results in equal parts stunned silence and snickering. Charlie pulls her aside and tells her that she has to pull her shit together. She explains that she’s on a journey, and that she’s okay, and then they have sex on a desk. Over at Planet Shoshanna, Ray thinks she’s been acting weird. She confesses about the doorman, sort of. She says that she held the doorman’s hand, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t his hand that she was holding. They hug it out and decide to continue their dating charade.

Adam’s girlfriend’s party is decidedly more chill but just as white. I’m really glad Lena Dunham took that criticism of Season One to heart. While outside on a smoke break, Adam sees Hannah on her way back from the hospital. He backs away, and when Hannah asks what he’s doing there, he lets her know that his girlfriend’s friend got engaged. As Adam heads back inside, leaving Hannah hovering awkwardly on the sidewalk, he tells her to “put some pants on.” He then starts drinking, heavily. You’d think that someone whose mother set her up with a guy from her AA meeting would maybe, you know, try to stop him, but no.

They go back to Adam’s mess of an apartment afterwards and remember all of those orders he used to bark at Hannah? Yeah, well, that happens. He tells her to “get on all fours” and crawl to his bedroom. She complies, but she’s not really feeling his…uh…his sexual style. He turns much more aggressive than she is comfortable with and apologizes afterwards, but I have a feeling this is the last we’ll see of Natalia. Which is unfortunate because her boobs are far superior to Hannah’s.

Speaking of Hannah, she’s sitting on the edge of her bathtub, counting head tilts and jamming that same Q-tip into her other ear in an effort to even things out.