Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

This week is all about dinner parties, and how quickly they can unravel.

Dinner Party Number One is hosted by Hannah, to celebrate the paycheck from her cocaine article. She invites Charlie (Marnie’s ex-boyfriend), Audrey (Charlie’s new girlfriend), Shoshanna, and Ray (Shoshanna’s new boyfriend). Oh, and Marnie, because she somehow thought that would be a good idea.

There’s tension and thinly veiled disdain, but eventually the conversation turns to sex and, well, isn’t that the universal language? Or at least an easy tool for painting the characters in the broadest brushstrokes possible? After a little too much needling from Audrey (about butt plugs, naturally), Marnie storms off and Charlie does what any ex-boyfriend would do—he runs after her. There’s a quick kiss followed by Marnie putting on the brakes because she’s seeing “that fucking Ewok in Capri pants.” Oh, and back at the dinner party, Audrey left because she has an ounce of dignity.

Meanwhile, Shoshanna realizes that her new boyfriend, the devirginer, is living with her because he is otherwise homeless. But she loves him anyway, so good for them. I’m sure she’ll enjoy that cardboard box down by the river.

Table Number Two is the always awkward “Let me introduce my new wife to my old parents” dinner party, hosted by newlyweds Doucheband and Jessa. But before we get to the restaurant, we get a look at Jessa’s boob. No, not both boobs just “the good one.” Once everyone is fully clothed and seated and the introductions have been made, the conversation turns to Jessa’s world travels, and then segues into Jessa’s lack of a career (or a job, for that matter), and moves seamlessly on to the grand finale with Jessa’s stint in rehab (heroin). Jessa’s new mother-in-law sputters out a halfhearted You certainly have lived a lot before suggesting that perhaps, just maybe, Jessa is looking at Doucheband more like an ATM than a husband.

Douchband’s smile only lasted until they got back to the apartment. He is none too pleased with Jessa’s performance, and she drops a whole army of truth bombs on him. She is embarrassed to walk down the street with him because he’s “so fucking average,” and it’s that moment where he realizes that Jessa is his worst nightmare—she’s just a manipulative mean girl who has conned him into funding her latest folly.

Douchband: You know why I like hookers, Jessa? They respect me. They don’t say ‘Oh I like your apartment’ but then they mumble under their breath about it looking like the set of gay Entourage. And they don’t buy a bunch of fucking Buddhas and put ‘em everywhere, so that every time we’re having sex it looks like we’re being watched by a bunch of fat babies!

Jessa: You’re a ridiculous person.

Douchband: And you’re just a whore, with no work ethic.

Jessa punches him in the face, at which point he inquires, “How much. How much money do you need to fucking leave?” She starts up the stairs and pauses…to negotiate. He gets her down from $30k to $11k (which seems really kind of low, all things considered) and it proves both of their points—that he is a douche, and she is a whore.

Hannah’s singing Coldplay in the bathtub and in walks Jessa, of all people. How many keys did Hannah give out?Hannah’s boobs. Drink! Jessa climbs into the tub because that’s what kids do these days, they bathe together. She breaks down crying, likely realizing that she is a horrid person, even more disgusting than the moldy grout on Hannah’s bathtub wall.