Dancing With the Stars, Season 17, Week 4

So Bill Nye The Science Guy lost Dancing With The Stars, but hopefully he gained back a little bit of dignity.

Let’s get right into it. Jack Osbourne is dancing the quickstep, which is sort of hilarious because he is neither quick nor step. Well okay, Jack finally got a bit of spring in his step. He’s still stiff and awkward, but at least he’s bouncy, stiff, and awkward.  And oh joy, we just learned that Jack’s partner, Cheryl, is menstruating. Apparently the judges failed to factor this very important information into their scores because the pair received a total score of 24 points.

Jack Osbourne and Cheryl Burke Quickstep DWTS Week 4 Season 17

Following a practice session that involved looking deeply and longingly into each others’ eyes, Elizabeth and Val are dancing the Argentine tango. There are some weird moves going on that I know are supposed to be sexy, but Elizabeth is nothing of the sort. She’s sort of just a fuzzy bunny dressed up as a street walker for a very serious one-woman show called “Thumper: A Real Life Streethopper.” Of course the judges are seeing something completely different because the performance earns a score of 27 points.

Elizabeth Berkley and Val Chmerkovskiy Argentine Tango DWTS Week 4 Season 17

Brant and Peta are dancing the salsa, and all I see is that scene from Beetlejuice. Oh, and Brant rips his shirt off which I’m not complaining about at all. Yeah I don’t know. I sort of fogged out when the shirt came off. Wait, what? Carrie Ann is complaining about the shirtless thing? Shut up, Carrie Ann! Guest Judge Julianne Huff also needs to shut up because there’s a handsome shirtless man standing right there! Anyway, the stupid judges give them a total score of 21 points.

Brant Daugherty and Peta Murgatroyd Salsa DWTS Week 4 Season 17

Valerie and Tristan are dancing the Viennese Waltz, and she’s doing a fair job if it, only forgetting half of her steps. The judges give her straight sixes for a total score of 26 points.

Valerie Harper and Tristan MacManus Viennese Waltz DWTS Week 4 Season 17

Leah and Tony attempt the Cha-Cha-Cha to moderate success. Her costume is sort of freaking me out, the nudish colored legs have sparkly fringe all of them, like a Care Bear Disco Edition in need of a wax. The strange little man loved Leah’s attitude but something about stretching and sharpness…and it’s a triplet of eights for a total of 24 points.

Leah Remini and Tony Dovolani Cha Cha Cha DWTS Week 4 Season 17

Corbin and Karina dance the paso doble, and it looks pretty perfect from this total no-nothing’s point of view. And bonus points for the loss of Corbin’s shirt. There’s a lot of gushing from the judges, with only minor, teeny tiny criticism about Corbin’s form (which is looking fine, IMHO). It’s nines all around for a total of 27 points.

Corbin Bleu and Karina Smirnoff Paso Doble DWTS Week 4 Season 17

It’s Snooki Time! She’s dancing the jive with Sasha to Tony Basil’s classic Hey Mickey. It looks stupid, but that’s what this is about, right? Plus, bonus backflips! The judges give Snooki and Sasha a ridiculously high 24 points.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi and Sasha Farber Jive DWTS Week 4 Season 17

Next up are Christina and Mark dancing the foxtrot. You know what we need more of? “Contemporary” dances. But this is nice, too. She’s a pretty good dancer, but it’s not going to matter since she has no fan base. But let’s go through the motions, shall we? Eights from everybody, for a total of 24 points.

Christina Milian and Mark Ballas Foxtrot DWTS Week 4 Season 17

An injured Amber and her partner Derek dance the tango. Even injured she’s got better moves than most of the other contestants, in heels no less. You know what? I think the male contestants should have to dance in heels. Sort of even out the playing field. Anyway, tango, tango, tango, spinning, dipping, boom. 27 points.

Amber Riley and Derek Hough Tango DWTS Week 4 Season 17

Oh man, Bill dropped Emma on her head during rehearsals. Awkward! They’re dancing the samba and he’s shaking and hip thrusting and he’s a heck of a lot better than in past weeks, but it still hurts my eyes to watch him dance. The judges are going to eat this up though, just watch. Yup. 21 points. That’s enough to get him through to next week when combined with the votes from I-don’t-know-who. Seriously, who is voting for this guy? Unless it’s done sadistically to force him to continue dancing, in which case, bravo!

Bill Engvall and Emma Slater Samba DWTS Week 4 Season 17

Elizabeth and Val, Leah and Tony, Corbin and Karina, Amber and Derek, and Jack and Cheryl, and Christina and Mark are also returning to dance again next week. So are Snooki and Sasha. So it’s between Brant and Peta and Valerie and Tristan, and Valerie and Tristan are eliminated. Aww. She’s an inspiration, but also a really bad dancer.

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