It’s the finale! The last episode! The end! And after fast-forwarding a full 18 minutes of fluff, we finally get to the first dance. From what I can gather, the very same viewers who thought that keeping Bill around for eleven episodes decide which “star” they would like to see dance freestyle. The picked Amber because she puts the style in “freestyle.” Yes, I slapped myself upside the head after I typed that phrase.

Okay, Amber. Dance for us. I’m not loving this, it looks like she’s saving her energy for later on in the show. Also, those pants are hideous! Either go full fringe or no fringe at all is the general rule of thumb, right? Once she finishes, the host sends Amber, Derek, and the backup dancers to the dressing room to change for a “fusion dance,” which apparently they only had twenty-four hours to prepare. So…it’s time for more filler, which means it’s time for me to fast-forward.

Oh my gawd. It’s already forty minutes into this show and we’ve only seen one relevant dance and I’m not even sure it counts towards any score. Get on with it, people! Okay, fine. I’ll watch Bill Nye’s body double do cartwheels in the meantime, but then we need to get back to the competition. Well sure, I’ll also watch Valerie Harper dance really, really poorly again. And no, I’m not crying at all. Allergies. I’m allergic to onions. Aaaaand, quick cut to Snooki who is bouncing around like…a cheerleader on prom night? I don’t know.

Finally! Corbin and Karina dance a Foxtrot/Cha Cha combo. He’s so darned dancey! And there goes his shirt. His abs dance better than all of the other contestants combined. I don’t understand how he does these totally over-the-top, cheesy dance moves yet still looks cool. Len says Corbin messed up his Cha Cha, Bruno talks about the way Corbin glides across the floor, and Carrie Ann can’t believe everyone is still dancing. Corbin receives a total of 27 points.

Jack and Cheryl are next with a Paso Salsa Fusion Martini Blend. This is not going to be enough to win. It’s hectic and pedantic and sloppy. The judges note that he climbed a mountain of dance to get there, and give him an astounding 27 points.

Well I guess Amber really was saving something for later because she’s dancing a Samba/Quickstep with Derek with full fringe! It’s bouncy and jumpy and her steps vary between long and smooth and tiny and frenetic and I’m pretty sure that was really, really good. Did Len just call her a sausage? Whatever. She gets a perfect score of 30 points.

Emotional montage where the “stars” tell the dancers how much they love them blah blah blah, just tell me who wins! Third place goes to Jack and Cheryl. Good for them. Jack seems like a really good egg. And the disco ball goes to Amber and Derek! Whoo hoo! That’s awesome. She deserves it. Aaaaand click. Twelve episodes, two hours each, sigh. That’s a full day of my life I will never get back.

The new season starts in March, so mark your calendars, start your countdowns, and shine up your dancing shoes. Until then, thanks for reading along.