So, what’d I miss? Oh right, some idiots known as The Viewers decided to make Bill dance another week for their own sick amusement while giving America’s favorite former Scientologist Leah Remini the ol’ heave ho. And now it’s the finals, and something called the Judge’s Pick which I guess means the judges pick the dance? Let’s get to the foot stomping, shall we?
Speaking of Bill, he’s dancing the Viennese Waltz to a schmaltzy Billy Joel song. It’s the most elegant he has ever been, but I’m not sure that’s saying very much at all. His arms look awkward, like he doesn’t know what to do with them so he just keeps making swinging motions. The judges criticize his timing and his adamant refusal to improve and give him a total of 24 points.
Corbin is next up with the quickstep. What is there to say about Corbin’s dancing except he’s a delight to watch even if the quickstep is a stupid, silly little dance. Something about his arm getting a bit straight earns boos from the audience and he went out of sync for a moment and no improvement over last week for a total of 27 points.
Jack dances the jive and he looks perfectly ridiculous. Kicking, grabbing his suspenders, swinging, stepping, it’s pretty good if you like that kind of thing. The judges, however, don’t like it as much as the last time he did this dance (which is maybe why I was déjà vuing a bit) for a total of 24 points.
It’s Amber’s turn to dance the Charleston. Again with the flappy stringy skirts, always a big hit. It’s a strange mash-up dance, part Charleston, part…what is this? It’s like someone drew a cartoon of Amber and Derek dancing, I didn’t know knees and elbows bent in that direction, it’s actually quite incredible. The judges call it the most improved, a power surge, a perfect score of 30 points.
Now what are they doing? A samba relay? Sure, why not. And while we’re at it, let’s have a performance from TLC…isn’t one of them no longer a member of the living? Anyway, Jack shakes and shimmies a samba while two of the three former members of TLC and one complete stranger lip sync a song, Bill is absolutely awful and painful to watch, and Corbin lost his shirt and makes this look so easy, and Amber is her usual spectacular self. Bill gets 2 points, Jack gets 3 points, Amber has four points, and Corbin receives 5 points.
Ooh! Now they have to dance freestyle! I don’t really know what that means, but it’s sure to be a cheesy mess. Yippee, Bill is the first to dance and he’s going with an Indiana Jones theme which means he gets to stomp around a lot and not do much in the way of dancing. Oh no. No, no, no. Put your shirt back on, Bill. His performance receives 25 points.
It’s Corbin’s turn to freestyle, and he goes with Michael Jackson and a host of backup dancers. I don’t know. I’m not loving this, it’s just not very exciting despite the acrobatics. I guess maybe only Michael Jackson can do Michael Jackson. The judges completely disagree with me for a perfect score of 30 points.
Jack does a top hat and tails routine that is very Old Hollywood and charming. The judges are going to love it. Do they love it? Tens all around for a perfect score of 30 points.
Amber just totally kills it with her freestyle routine, outshining every last backup dancer and looking slick and bold and filled with star power. Yup. A perfect score of 30 points.
Now for the good stuff. Who is out and who is in tomorrow night’s finals? Amber and Derek and Corbin and Karina are in, so it’s between Jack and Cheryl and Bill and Emma for elimination. Oh come on, just get rid of Bill already. Yes! Bill and Emma are eliminated and Jack and Cheryl will be dancing in the finals. Justice, folks. Justice. And I still have no idea who this Bill guy is, anyway.
Tomorrow night, it’s finally the final episode where a king and queen will be crowned, or something like that.