Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

PART 1: Awkward Dates

ESPN had the worst idea ever: recreating the Nirvana cover shoot with Ryan as the big baby. Sadly, he doesn’t have the balls to do it naked. We learn that Ryan is training for World Championships, which are the second biggest swim meets of all times ever.

To let off some steam, Ryan goes roller skating with his family. While eating plastic cheese, Ryan tells his family that he and Jaime ended their fake romance.  His mother immediately sniffs out that there’s someone new—Chantae, a member of the Lochterage (which guarantees quality). His family wants to meet her to decide if Ryan will be allowed to date her, so Ryan invites her over before taking her to what I assume will be the sushi restaurant. Ryan’s sister finds an excuse to talk to Chantae alone, and she asks a thousand questions. The assessment is “not feeling it.”

On the date, Ryan tells Chantae that he wants to settle down. She wants to know why she invited him out on a date. It’s a really weird and awkward date because they’re in “the friend zone,” plus they are both a few cards short of a full deck.

Ryan’s family goes out for lunch so that they can find out how the date went, and Devon announces that Ryan is thinking about moving to Los Angeles. The family goes a little psycho guilt trip. Then, Ryan somehow gets roped into training Devon in the pool. He hasn’t trained for three years, so Ryan starts by having Devon swim a few laps. Ryan then challenges his brother to jump over flags. Ryan makes it over, which I guess makes him even more of the Pool Champion. It’s kind of sweet how these little things make Ryan just as happy as a gold medal. In the end, Ryan has decided that he is having so much fun hanging out with Devon in Gainesville, Florida that he can’t leave his hometown. At least until Devon graduates college which, if Devon’s brain power is on par with Ryan’s, might be forever.

Ryan would like to know what his dog thinks. Let’s help him with that:

• Of all the humans in the world, I get stuck with this yahoo.
• I peed on your bed because you forgot to take me for a walk. Again.
• I should not be able to outsmart my human, but here we are again with my face in the bag of kibble and his stuck between the banister railings.

Part 2: Spring Break

Well, it has finally happened. Ryan Lochte goes on Spring Break. He missed it during his college years, but now he has the World Championships to worry about. But, he agrees to take the Lochterage down to Miami for Spring Break.

There’s a private pool with a bed, because that’s how they roll. They’re going to party Lochte Style, which means wearing shorts and shoes I the pool. Later, they go to a party with lots of drinks and bikinis and Ryan is finally in his element. But Ryan knows that these girls don’t care about him. He’s looking for a quality girl. At Spring Break.

Gene’s phone ended up in the pool, so he put it in a pile of rice. Ryan doesn’t understand the science other than “it’s supposed to help it.” The problem is, Gene’s in a relationship so he needs his phone in his pocket and not in a bucket of rice.

That night, they go to a club, ogle women, drink, and say “Jeah!” a lot. But Ryan doesn’t skip his workout, and busts out a thousand sit-ups the next morning. Gene finally tries his phone and seems genuinely annoyed that it doesn’t work. This seems like the only unscripted moment of the show. Then, Gene goes to a jewelry store to shop for engagement rings. He’s getting serious with his girlfriend, and Ryan’s already planning the bachelor party. Gene assures Ryan that he’s only window shopping, so it won’t ruin their Spring Break. To celebrate, they do the dumbest thing ever, which is The Rocketman Experience. Basically, they get into the water with a jet pack thing strapped to their backs that lets them hover a few feet above the water before crashing back down. Whee. What fun.

For their last night in Miami, Ryan promises to “turn it up.” Ryan meets up with some chick Jessica he knew from somewhere vague. Jessica got drunk and flirty, and I think we all know how this ends.

Ryan Lochte also says some things that don’t make much sense, but sure do sound a lot like words:

• Too many bananas bouncing up, up and down, flying monkeys, purple monkeys, you name it.
• There was like a Lochte feeding frenzy in that pool, and I was the bait.
• I want that sh*t to be like, bayum!
• Having a jetpack on, you’re hovering. Over water.
• The Locht-o-part-o-meter is definitely stating to get turned up.
• During this show, I’ve matured.

After Miami, Ryan feels like a new man and is ready for competition. He goes out with his family and shoves cupcakes in their faces. There’s a wrap party, and it’s Lochte Style. I don’t know what that means and neither do the producers. Ryan says profound things about how nobody knows what the future holds, but he loves his Lochterage. Ryan doesn’t know what’s next for Ryan Lochte, but he knows that it’s going to be big. Let’s just hope that it doesn’t involve a second season of this show.

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There’s an awards show, a meeting with Speedo, and a hot dog naming at Pink’s on the agenda. But first, let’s listen to the pearls of wisdom that sprang forth from Ryan’s lips:

• Ryan Lochte’s getting a hot dog, jeah!
• Fashion has been my passion, pretty much my entire life.
• That meeting I had with Speedo was a confident meeting (erm, I think he meant a confidential meeting).
• I mean if you get a hot dog named after you, you’ve made it.
• If I could have a super power, I’d be, like, flying because I love traveling all over the world, and if I knew how to flew, I’d be there in a heartbeat.

Once in Los Angeles, Ryan wants to pitch ideas to Speedo. The team at Speedo, however, was under the impression that they were the ones coming up with the ideas. But, they decide to humor Ryan and kick the cameras out of the conference room so that the group can talk in private.

There are also a lot of photo shoots with swimming pools and tuxedos, and Ryan stripping down to his undies. Luckily Gene is there to tell him where to go and when to take his pants off. To celebrate the long day, Ryan takes Gene out for drinks. Gene is worried that Ryan will leave Gainesville, which will break up the Lochterage. But Ryan has plans to take the Lochterage to Los Angeles, where they will be eaten up and spit out within a week.

The duo next visit Pink’s to taste “your little hot dog,” the Lochtedog. The owners force Ryan to get behind the counter to make the Lochtedog. His first challenge is opening the bun. Then, he loads up two hot dogs, mustard, and French fries. Naturally, there are plenty of penis jokes to go around.

Ryan and Gene go to the Hall Of Game Awards, which nobody has ever heard of except for Ryan Lochte’s publicist. Smile, smile, smile, interview, interview, interview. Ryan Lochte wins an award for…something. Ryan makes Gene promise that he’ll move out to Los Angeles with him, but Gene is unconvinced. Then, Carmen Electra introduces herself to Ryan. She makes a half-hearted effort to engage Ryan in conversation, but he just stares mindlessly in her general direction. He eventually gets her number, but only six of them. Numbers are hard when you’re Ryan Lochte.

Next week, paintball and Jaime.

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Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

Ryan Lochte’s brother, Devon, eats multiple bananas to see if it’s true that soda and bananas makes people puke. It does, and Ryan takes photos to prove that science works.

Ryan wakes up at 5:30 a.m. to start his morning routine of swimming and training. He says that every day he wakes up and doesn’t want to get into that pool, but “in life, you have to make sacrifices.” He then has a business meeting with his assistant/best friend who writes down Ryan’s ideas while Ryan plays video games. Ryan’s latest brain fart is a line of baby clothes that nobody will ever buy called “The Little Lochtes.”

Ryan clears his mind of the clutter by going out with his friends, including Chantae, who competed in the London Olympics. Ryan has kept in contact with her because she is hot and lives in Florida. The Lochterage plus Chantae go to a bar, and the owner wants some memorabilia so that the crowd will always know that this is Lochte’s place. Ryan suggests a pink speedo, but the bar owner is thinking of something bigger. So Ryan’s assistant/best friend takes Ryan to a guy who will make a plaster cast of Ryan’s chest. During the process, Ryan realizes that plaster is heavier than water and starts to panic that he could die for his art, or at least that it might rip his nipples off. Which is a very valid concern.

Ryan’s mouth formed a few words this week:

• I always see babies in the clothes that they wear and it’s horrendous.
• Some of the women that I meet are very attractive. I mean, that’s a plus.
• I think I butt tweeted last night. Again.
• Philosophy, 102, Ryan Lochte.
• I hate to say it, but the Lochte abs are famous.
• As a swimmer, I have really powerful lungs. Almost three lungs.
• Ryan Lochte wins! Jeah gets some! Jeah Jeah! Jeah!
• I don’t consider myself a sex symbol, but from what I’ve heard, I’m a sex symbol.

Ryan puts a swim cap all the way over his face and breathes through his nose, blowing up the cap to the size of…it’s huge. Like, the second layer of a fairly large snowman, or a very large pumpkin.

When the Lochterage puts their heads together, great things happen. They decide to go ziplining. Ryan (wearing a “YES IT’S ME” t-shirt), invites Chantae along, and he doesn’t remember what kind of athlete she is. “What’s that thing called where you do six events at the Olympics? Pentathalon? Petathalon? Octagon?” No, Ryan. It’s seven events, and it’s called a “heptathlon.” Ryan races Chantae on the zipline, and I’m not sure who wins, but Ryan is certain that they have a romantic connection. Which means that in the end, Chantae loses.

The Lochterage, which is all men, like to drink and dance as a pre-game. Ryan is a terrible dancer but he completely lacks self-awareness, which makes him the male version of Elaine Benes. The Lochterage goes to the club to see the big reveal of the plaster chest, and it is painted gold.  Ryan is upset that women want to take pictures with the gold plaster chest and not the real thing.

Next week, Ryan goes to Los Angeles and meets Carmen Electra.

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Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

Ryan Lochte’s pretend British girlfriend, Jaimee, turns out to be real when she turns up on his doorstep in Florida. It’s her first time there, and you can tell that she is disappointed. You see, ladies like homes with decorations, and color. But those luxuries are not on the list of four things Ryan Lochte needs in a home:

1. Couch
2. Television
3. Refrigerator (full)
4. Bed

To make Jaimee feel extra special, Ryan takes her to the very same sushi restaurant he takes all of his dates. I get the impression that Jaimee doesn’t understand that Ryan is a moron because of the accent and distance, but that she will become fully informed upon the airing of this docudrama.

It takes Ryan four or five hours to shave because he has to shave everything using gold plated razors. This leaves little time for fashion, which probably explains his sneakers. They are neon yellow with orange, blue, green, and red flowers, and the tongue of the sneaker is a stuffed teddy bear with a green snout and arms flailing off to the sides. Why? Why do these exist? And how is it that a grown man decided to put them on his feet?

Editor’s note: they are far worse than we anticipated. (via)

Ryan Lochte had some words of wisdom for the Lochterage, but he forgot what they were and spoke these words of folly instead:

• If you wanna become the best, you gotta train better than the best.
• Man, no one else can shave with a gold plated razor, and I am. Jeah! Jeah!
• The craziest thing I’ve been asked to sign is somebody’s French fry.
• Who has sex and doesn’t have a smile afterwards? I don’t know who.
• We’re in the 20^th Century, like, things change.

There’s this thing that happens in Orlando every month, and it’s called a Grand Prix. It’s a tune-up swim meet to get racers’ bodies and minds into racing mode, and also a way to show off to your fellow Olympians. Ryan drives to the Grand Prix with Jaimee and his entire family. Although he has a lot on his plate, including an imaginary girlfriend, it doesn’t take much to get his mind into racing mode since there isn’t much in there to begin with, so he is able to finish in first place in his first race. Because Ryan Lochte has already proven to the world that he is the fastest human in the water, he wants to race something that’s faster than human beings. Dolphins. I’m pretty sure there are no winners in that race.

I know that this may come as a surprise to you, but Ryan is not the kind of guy who cooks. He’s the kind of guy who has a cook. The thing is, Ryan’s mother wants him to cook dinner for his imaginary girlfriend, Jaimee. Even though this is a very bad idea, Ryan decides to make pizza for his second time ever cooking. Unfortunately, he has no cooking utensils because they did not come with the kitchen. He calls his local pizza delivery place for cooking tips, and eventually something round and vaguely resembling a pizza comes out of the oven. When he drops Jaimee off at the airport the next morning, they decide that it is only goodbye for now, until they decide if there will be a later. In the meantime, Ryan is going to continue his relationship with the swimming pool.

Next week, Ryan gets a cast made of his chest and goes ziplining.

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Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

Ryan Lochte has a dream. World peace. Ha, no. Ryan’s dream is to have his own apparel and accessory line. To get himself started, Ryan created sparkly green sneakers with his name on the bottom so that if he ever forgets, he can always check his soles. Ryan wants that little Lochte edge, but has no idea what it is beyond a facial gesture involving the stretching out of his bottom lip in a downward direction and a generally vacant stare.

We learn that Ryan Lochte always pees in the pool and double always says “Jeah.” He trains in Gainsville, Florida, where he is surrounded by his Lochterage. A Lochterage is like an entourage, only the sycophants swirl around Ryan Lochte instead of a real star. The head of the Lochterage is Ryan’s brother, Devon. He is the brains of the operation, which is not saying much of anything.

Ryan Lochte appears to have two catch phrases. The first is “Jeah,” which means nothing and everything, all at once. The other is “Turn it up,” which entails eating, sleeping, swimming, and playing flip cup. It is essential that the Lochterage repeat both of these catch phrases as often as possible so that people know who Ryan Lochte is outside of the swimming pool.

Things that fell out of Ryan Lochte’s mouth before he remembered to close it:

• I don’t even remember what I got at the Olympics.
• You know my philosophy, you gotta be a man at night and you gotta be a man in the morning.
• Who cares if you’re in pain? No one else does.
• Being with Jaime is the longest roller coaster I’ve ever been on.
• I didn’t burn no popcorn.

What does a date with Ryan Lochte look like? Poor Megan is about to find out. It involves sushi, which according to Ryan Lochte are wontons and edamame. He explains to Poor Megan that he wants someone to share his heart with, which is a strange thing to say on a first date. Although Poor Megan made him laugh more than once, she is not the one because she’s moving to Los Angeles. But don’t worry, there will be another girl and another sushi roll soon enough. No, really, there will be. Because Ryan Lochte brings all of his dates to the same restaurant.

Ryan Lochte also went bowling with his very tolerant family, and watched movies with his two sisters. So that was nice to see. But the bulk of Ryan Lochte’s activities seemed to be focused on dating college girls and recruiting more people into his Lochterage. Oh, and there was some swimming.

The rest of the season promises to be more of Ryan Lochte doing more things, and saying more semi-words. And ooh! More sneakers!

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