Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

PART 1: Awkward Dates

ESPN had the worst idea ever: recreating the Nirvana cover shoot with Ryan as the big baby. Sadly, he doesn’t have the balls to do it naked. We learn that Ryan is training for World Championships, which are the second biggest swim meets of all times ever.

To let off some steam, Ryan goes roller skating with his family. While eating plastic cheese, Ryan tells his family that he and Jaime ended their fake romance.  His mother immediately sniffs out that there’s someone new—Chantae, a member of the Lochterage (which guarantees quality). His family wants to meet her to decide if Ryan will be allowed to date her, so Ryan invites her over before taking her to what I assume will be the sushi restaurant. Ryan’s sister finds an excuse to talk to Chantae alone, and she asks a thousand questions. The assessment is “not feeling it.”

On the date, Ryan tells Chantae that he wants to settle down. She wants to know why she invited him out on a date. It’s a really weird and awkward date because they’re in “the friend zone,” plus they are both a few cards short of a full deck.

Ryan’s family goes out for lunch so that they can find out how the date went, and Devon announces that Ryan is thinking about moving to Los Angeles. The family goes a little psycho guilt trip. Then, Ryan somehow gets roped into training Devon in the pool. He hasn’t trained for three years, so Ryan starts by having Devon swim a few laps. Ryan then challenges his brother to jump over flags. Ryan makes it over, which I guess makes him even more of the Pool Champion. It’s kind of sweet how these little things make Ryan just as happy as a gold medal. In the end, Ryan has decided that he is having so much fun hanging out with Devon in Gainesville, Florida that he can’t leave his hometown. At least until Devon graduates college which, if Devon’s brain power is on par with Ryan’s, might be forever.

Ryan would like to know what his dog thinks. Let’s help him with that:

• Of all the humans in the world, I get stuck with this yahoo.
• I peed on your bed because you forgot to take me for a walk. Again.
• I should not be able to outsmart my human, but here we are again with my face in the bag of kibble and his stuck between the banister railings.

Part 2: Spring Break

Well, it has finally happened. Ryan Lochte goes on Spring Break. He missed it during his college years, but now he has the World Championships to worry about. But, he agrees to take the Lochterage down to Miami for Spring Break.

There’s a private pool with a bed, because that’s how they roll. They’re going to party Lochte Style, which means wearing shorts and shoes I the pool. Later, they go to a party with lots of drinks and bikinis and Ryan is finally in his element. But Ryan knows that these girls don’t care about him. He’s looking for a quality girl. At Spring Break.

Gene’s phone ended up in the pool, so he put it in a pile of rice. Ryan doesn’t understand the science other than “it’s supposed to help it.” The problem is, Gene’s in a relationship so he needs his phone in his pocket and not in a bucket of rice.

That night, they go to a club, ogle women, drink, and say “Jeah!” a lot. But Ryan doesn’t skip his workout, and busts out a thousand sit-ups the next morning. Gene finally tries his phone and seems genuinely annoyed that it doesn’t work. This seems like the only unscripted moment of the show. Then, Gene goes to a jewelry store to shop for engagement rings. He’s getting serious with his girlfriend, and Ryan’s already planning the bachelor party. Gene assures Ryan that he’s only window shopping, so it won’t ruin their Spring Break. To celebrate, they do the dumbest thing ever, which is The Rocketman Experience. Basically, they get into the water with a jet pack thing strapped to their backs that lets them hover a few feet above the water before crashing back down. Whee. What fun.

For their last night in Miami, Ryan promises to “turn it up.” Ryan meets up with some chick Jessica he knew from somewhere vague. Jessica got drunk and flirty, and I think we all know how this ends.

Ryan Lochte also says some things that don’t make much sense, but sure do sound a lot like words:

• Too many bananas bouncing up, up and down, flying monkeys, purple monkeys, you name it.
• There was like a Lochte feeding frenzy in that pool, and I was the bait.
• I want that sh*t to be like, bayum!
• Having a jetpack on, you’re hovering. Over water.
• The Locht-o-part-o-meter is definitely stating to get turned up.
• During this show, I’ve matured.

After Miami, Ryan feels like a new man and is ready for competition. He goes out with his family and shoves cupcakes in their faces. There’s a wrap party, and it’s Lochte Style. I don’t know what that means and neither do the producers. Ryan says profound things about how nobody knows what the future holds, but he loves his Lochterage. Ryan doesn’t know what’s next for Ryan Lochte, but he knows that it’s going to be big. Let’s just hope that it doesn’t involve a second season of this show.

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