What Would Ryan Lochte Do: Ep. 2 – “Ryan Goes To Washington”



Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

Ryan Lochte is playing Drunk Golf with his “really, really good friend,” Easy G, who is Ryan’s personal assistant and the Vice President of the Lochterage.  The thing about friends, though, is that you shouldn’t have to put someone on the payroll in order to get them to spend time with you. But, Easy G describes their relationship as a “bromance,” so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he would still want to hang out with Ryan Lochte even if he was not paid to do so. Oh, and Drunk Golf? That involves consumes cocktails from containers that would violate Mayor Bloomberg’s ban and then peeing all over the golf course.

Ryan Lochte is going to Washington, D.C. to give a speech in support of a charity, Parent Project Muscular Dystrophy. One of his uncle’s brothers died from the disease, which is an odd thing to say because isn’t your uncle’s brother also your uncle? Anyway, in preparation for the charity event, Ryan gets a suit fitted. This involves stripping down to his underwear (which is something that I wholeheartedly support) and measuring his wingspan.

It appears that someone may have forgotten to connect Ryan Lochte’s brain to his vocal chords, which is great because it means we get gems like these:

  • Long hair don’t care.
  • I’ve talked in front of a lot of big, like, business people, about stuff I don’t even know.
  • Mr. Lochte goes to Washington, jeah!
  • All of a sudden, like I have like a jumping banana in my head and I just stop and pause and I’m like, that damned jumping banana’s in my head.
  • Lochte for president, jeah!
  • Two rules: don’t follow me in the bathroom; and when the lights are out, go home.

Photos are taken in front of monuments, drinks are drunk at bars, and a lovely little local lady spots Ryan at the bar and calls him over to talk to some of her friends. They ask questions about politics, including complicated things like “what do you think about the Affordable Healthcare Act?” and “what’s your position on gun control?” His head is swimming from all of the smart words being lobbed in his direction, which is perfect because he’s a swimmer. As if his blank stare didn’t tell the full story, he politely excused himself by explaining that he doesn’t discuss politics. Which, okay. That was the smart thing to do.

Ryan Lochte did not practice his speech for the charity event. Nobody seems to care, because he’s really all about the photo ops with the kiddies and the hugs. Once back in Florida, he buys his mother a new car because he wants to and he can. It’s silver and has four wheels and a radio. So that’s nice.

Next week, Ryan Lochte makes out with a dolphin, and Jamie arrives in Florida.

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