Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

Ryan Lochte’s brother, Devon, eats multiple bananas to see if it’s true that soda and bananas makes people puke. It does, and Ryan takes photos to prove that science works.

Ryan wakes up at 5:30 a.m. to start his morning routine of swimming and training. He says that every day he wakes up and doesn’t want to get into that pool, but “in life, you have to make sacrifices.” He then has a business meeting with his assistant/best friend who writes down Ryan’s ideas while Ryan plays video games. Ryan’s latest brain fart is a line of baby clothes that nobody will ever buy called “The Little Lochtes.”

Ryan clears his mind of the clutter by going out with his friends, including Chantae, who competed in the London Olympics. Ryan has kept in contact with her because she is hot and lives in Florida. The Lochterage plus Chantae go to a bar, and the owner wants some memorabilia so that the crowd will always know that this is Lochte’s place. Ryan suggests a pink speedo, but the bar owner is thinking of something bigger. So Ryan’s assistant/best friend takes Ryan to a guy who will make a plaster cast of Ryan’s chest. During the process, Ryan realizes that plaster is heavier than water and starts to panic that he could die for his art, or at least that it might rip his nipples off. Which is a very valid concern.

Ryan’s mouth formed a few words this week:

• I always see babies in the clothes that they wear and it’s horrendous.
• Some of the women that I meet are very attractive. I mean, that’s a plus.
• I think I butt tweeted last night. Again.
• Philosophy, 102, Ryan Lochte.
• I hate to say it, but the Lochte abs are famous.
• As a swimmer, I have really powerful lungs. Almost three lungs.
• Ryan Lochte wins! Jeah gets some! Jeah Jeah! Jeah!
• I don’t consider myself a sex symbol, but from what I’ve heard, I’m a sex symbol.

Ryan puts a swim cap all the way over his face and breathes through his nose, blowing up the cap to the size of…it’s huge. Like, the second layer of a fairly large snowman, or a very large pumpkin.

When the Lochterage puts their heads together, great things happen. They decide to go ziplining. Ryan (wearing a “YES IT’S ME” t-shirt), invites Chantae along, and he doesn’t remember what kind of athlete she is. “What’s that thing called where you do six events at the Olympics? Pentathalon? Petathalon? Octagon?” No, Ryan. It’s seven events, and it’s called a “heptathlon.” Ryan races Chantae on the zipline, and I’m not sure who wins, but Ryan is certain that they have a romantic connection. Which means that in the end, Chantae loses.

The Lochterage, which is all men, like to drink and dance as a pre-game. Ryan is a terrible dancer but he completely lacks self-awareness, which makes him the male version of Elaine Benes. The Lochterage goes to the club to see the big reveal of the plaster chest, and it is painted gold.  Ryan is upset that women want to take pictures with the gold plaster chest and not the real thing.

Next week, Ryan goes to Los Angeles and meets Carmen Electra.

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