Toned Up, Episodes 5 & 6: Double Dumb-Dumb

Toned Up Season 1 Episode 5

Episode 5: “Two’s Company but Three’s a Crowd”

The girls are filming on the beach, and it’s a very professional operation. There’s lots of lipstick, and Karena’s foundation for her one-on-one interviews is totally the wrong color because it’s impossible to replicate the orange glow of tanning cream. Also, when Karena’s under stress, she makes cat noises. Which is weird, because when my cat is under stress, she makes Karena noises. And she wonders why she’s single….

“Action!” *giggles* It’s exhausting because they have to shoot each routine five or six times. Actually, that does sound exhausting. Though these routines look pretty sedentary. In fact, I’m pretty sure I just did a rep sitting on the couch, typing at the television. Oh good, the experts weigh in—the girls wonder why anyone even does these routines since they’re stupid and meaningless. So that’s encouraging.

I think the stylist might’ve just crazy glued Karena’s bikini top to her boob. No, it’s an air gun, they’re using it to cool off Karena’s boob sweat. Excuse me while I vomit. Aww, did no one factor in high tide? No, they did not. The girls are suddenly ankle-deep in water, mid-crunch. Have fun with the soggy yoga mats, ladies. Katrina’s neck goes out during her last shoot but they can’t afford to come back the next day, so she powers through. I’m no doctor, but that doesn’t sound smart.

When Katrina and Karena return to the mainland, they meet with a financial planner. “We’re not really good at finances.” They estimate the value of their products and services at “I don’t know,” “a lot,” and “we grow about 500% per year.” Their financial planner is going to process everything he heard and come back with a financial plan, which should be a hilarious, blank bar chart.

Next week, Brian quits his real life job so that he can focus on his fake television job.

Episode 6: “Change a Comin’”

Toned Up Season 1 Episode 6

The financial planner opened Katrina and Karena’s eyes to what they aren’t doing, which is just about everything. So they hired more employees, to do more and be “really, really efficient.” Apparently their employees-slash-relatives ask to be reimbursed for doggie daycare and air freshener, which are standard business expenses for a major fitness “empire.”

Katrina and Karena are visiting a beachy bar to film the mixing of healthy cocktails. Oh good, I needed someone to show me how to make a bloody Mary because I’m an idiot. Watching them try to pronounce “worcestershire” is worth the price of admission, which is thankfully zero.

The video from the bar turned out really well, so it’s time for Champagne, or some other carbonated booze beverage. This ends in Katrina taping Karena to a chair and leaving to meet a wedding planner. Katrina describes Brian as corky (pretty sure she meant “quirky”) and funny, whereas Brian describes Katrina as disorganized and beachy. So a beach wedding. Hey! I’m a wedding planner!

Karena takes trapeze lessons with her friend, Rene. Legs, swings, arms, flips, nets. Rene delicately explains that it’s time for her to move out because take the hint, lady! They’re getting married! Aaand, here we go with the serious music. Karena is a recovered drug addict so…now she’s addicted to Katrina? Something about trust and rocks and blowing up in your face.

Brian quit is day job to focus on growing the company. Oh this is going to be a huge, big mistake. These two, they ain’t no Jack LaLanne. Heck they aren’t even Richard Simmons in drag on a sugar rush.

Next week, the season finale. Yay! We’ll never, ever have to see these yahoos again.

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