Rachel Zoe helps everyone get dressed because her “purpose in life is to dress everybody,” and buttons are confusing for people who do not have a doctorate in styling. In furtherance of her goal, her toddler has his fourth fedora change of the day.

These are words that fell out of Rachel Zoe’s pie hole this week:

• My mind is, like, spinning, spinning, spinning.
• I love olive, like I love Army, but I almost want that a little deeper, that has a lot of moss in it.
• I would say the easiest part for me is coming up with what I want.
• And with my styling hat on, she’s wearing it in shorts, with, like, a vest, and a big oversized, like, men’s coat over it, that’s, like, how I see her.
• I literally don’t understand what the obsession is with pink.
• It’s got black, its’ got white, it’s got…color.

Rachel Zoe wants to do the 1960s for her next fashion story. She can’t get enough of the 60s mod thing, but in a fresh way and not that scary way. In order to “do the 1960s,” Rachel Zoe must build a time machine that allows her to be in New York and Los Angeles at the same time, but like, five decades ago.

These are things Rachel Zoe said to other things:

• To a fur trimmed jacket:  It’s like cray cray, right?
• To stiletto heels with metal studs:  These are good work shoes.
• To her husband:  Why can’t you dress yourself anymore?
• To a model, about a handbag:  What happens if you hold her, and you hold her with, like, two hands forward?

Rachel goes shopping at a vintage store with her New York designer, Michael. The clothes are all arranged by color. That is stupid, by the way. I have never walked into a store in search of something lime green.

Putting on vintage treasures is Rachel’s “everything,” and several maj pieces are purchased. But when you shop with a camera crew, you don’t leave the store with any shopping bags. Instead, the shop packs up your purchases, contacts your assistant, and makes the assistant drive all the way over to the store you just walked out of to pick up the clothes you just purchased thirty seconds ago and would have easily fit in your car.

Rachel’s styling associate, Eileen, pops into Marc Jacobs to find 1960s mod “stuff.” Next up is a series of jewelry appointments, where Eileen walks off with gobs of baubles, including a heinous crystal peace sign necklace that is so hideous that I actually made an “euuuggghhh” sound when I saw it on the screen.

Guys! It’s Proto Review! I think that means “prototype,” but I could be totally off base. Also, it has become clear to me that Rachel Zoe has little-to-nothing to do with designing her clothing line beyond blathering words like “texture,” “camel,” “seams,” and “shorts.” Then, her minions toddle off and design the clothes that get paraded in front of their queen during Proto Review. Unfortunately, Rachel does not like any of the clothes because the fabrics are scratchy, itchy, and pully.

It’s time for the 1960s photo shoot. Rachel picks her favorite mod outfits from clothing that other people who work for her already selected from larger racks of mod outfits. Jaime King, an actress and model I’ve never heard of, enters the room and is “one of my favorites, we kind of grew up together in the industry….” Yeah no, Rachel, you grew up in New Jersey.

Rachel’s child arrives on set so that everyone can pretend to coo over the pretty baby but are really just praying to their respective Gods that the kid doesn’t vomit on any of the samples. Instead of a fedora, Rachel’s baby is wearing a wool toque because babies’ heads must be covered at all times or their brains will evaporate.

Rachel wants an apartment in New York so that she can more easily tell other people to design clothes for her label. You see, Rachel’s life doesn’t lend itself to just one city. Her husband explains that two homes would actually make them homeless, and broke. But Rachel wants the New York apartment for their family’s stability, because schlepping a baby back and forth across the country naturally lends itself to stability.

Next week, Rachel Zoe goes apartment hunting in New York.

Photo courtesy of www.bravotv.com

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