Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

Adam took his new girlfriend, Natalia, to a chick flick. It worked, because she then informed him that “I’m ready to have sex now.”

Just when you think Hannah’s outfit can’t get any frumpier, she’s picking a wedgie out of a yellow striped jumper eight times before meeting with her editor, Damon. He didn’t finish reading her pages because they did not hold his interest, and he inquires whether her hymen grew back.

Back at home, Hannah tries writing on the floor because maybe it was the chair that was the problem. I wish she’d put some pants on because I’m assuming that floor has not been swept by anything other than her ass in a very long time. Yup. She’s got an ass splinter. We are then treated to Hannah plucking a splinter out of her ass and simultaneously stabbing her ear with a Q-tip until it’s stuck. This now requires a pantsless visit to the hospital, which is weird because I’ve had my fair share of middle-of-the-night trips to the emergency room, and somehow I always managed to put my pants on before leaving the apartment. Anyway, the doctor removes the Q-tip, and Hannah is not so much freaked out by her bloody ear as much as having uneven-feeling ears.

Marnie stops by Charlie’s office again because they had lunch plans and he forgot. To make up for it, he invites Marnie to an office party later that night. She’s sort of turning into that kid who graduated high school but keeps coming back to see what everyone’s been doing lately.

At the office party, I count two thousand white people and…precisely one black person, which is strange because this is supposed to be New York City. It’s almost like there’s this completely separate borough called Whitelyn, accessible only by the K train. Shoshanna shows up wearing a spaceship on her head and someone Ray calls “Bazooka Joe” is hitting on her. Marnie arrives and tells Ray that she has something special planned that involves her voice, and I’m already cringing.

Once everyone is really enjoying the music, Marnie grabs the mic and sings a really, really, really awful song that results in equal parts stunned silence and snickering. Charlie pulls her aside and tells her that she has to pull her shit together. She explains that she’s on a journey, and that she’s okay, and then they have sex on a desk. Over at Planet Shoshanna, Ray thinks she’s been acting weird. She confesses about the doorman, sort of. She says that she held the doorman’s hand, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t his hand that she was holding. They hug it out and decide to continue their dating charade.

Adam’s girlfriend’s party is decidedly more chill but just as white. I’m really glad Lena Dunham took that criticism of Season One to heart. While outside on a smoke break, Adam sees Hannah on her way back from the hospital. He backs away, and when Hannah asks what he’s doing there, he lets her know that his girlfriend’s friend got engaged. As Adam heads back inside, leaving Hannah hovering awkwardly on the sidewalk, he tells her to “put some pants on.” He then starts drinking, heavily. You’d think that someone whose mother set her up with a guy from her AA meeting would maybe, you know, try to stop him, but no.

They go back to Adam’s mess of an apartment afterwards and remember all of those orders he used to bark at Hannah? Yeah, well, that happens. He tells her to “get on all fours” and crawl to his bedroom. She complies, but she’s not really feeling his…uh…his sexual style. He turns much more aggressive than she is comfortable with and apologizes afterwards, but I have a feeling this is the last we’ll see of Natalia. Which is unfortunate because her boobs are far superior to Hannah’s.

Speaking of Hannah, she’s sitting on the edge of her bathtub, counting head tilts and jamming that same Q-tip into her other ear in an effort to even things out.

Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

Adam? I thought we were rid of him. But I suppose there’s never any getting rid of someone like Adam. He’s like a MySpace page, or herpes. And he just drank what I’m pretty sure is his own urine.  Well, at least Hannah doesn’t take his call. Ah ha, she’s got a tad of OCD, lining up potato chips before stuffing them in her maw and counting the bites.

Shoshanna is rambling on about Jessa to Marnie and Ray while walking through Central Park. Marnie understands that this is what Jessa does—she shows up, fucks things up, and then leaves. Totally out of the blue, Shoshanna lets Marnie know that Charlie has an app that he sold for a lot of money because good friends always say things that they know will upset the other person. Then in rolls Shoshanna’s old friend Radhika (literally, because she’s on vintage rollerblades), and I guess this is supposed to fill the Girls seasonal quota of minorities in non-recurring walk-on rolls. Radhika invites Shoshanna and Ray to a party, but Radhika is in college and Ray is a grown up so he’s not going.

Adam attends an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. He explains that Hannah just kept hanging around and eventually it felt better when she was there. But, she changed her mind about Adam and now he’s exhausted, and he’ll bring cookies to the next meeting. There’s an actress whose name I can’t remember at the AA meeting, and she tries to set him up with her daughter, Natalia, because he’s cuter than “a dimple on a bug’s ass.”

Marnie goes to Charlie’s new office and looks very out of place. She tries to play it all casual like she was just in the neighborhood, but he’s suspicious. Also, how come the women on this show never carry handbags? Where do they keep their keys? And phones? And…stuff? Charlie created an app that prevents users from calling people they don’t want to, and if they want to call, they have to pay the company for the privilege. He finally blurts out “Do you need money? Is that why you’re here?” Wow. You know your life is a mess when you’re that friend.

Adam calls Natalia to set up a date and is blown away because she has a landline. But the weirdo sets up like a real dinner date, which is never a good idea for a blind date. Except this time it is, because she’s beautiful. And he’s totally killing the date, in a very non-Adam way.

Hannah’s parents are waiting for her outside of The Carlyle. She’s late because she was working on her book and arrives all twitchy. They “can tell that she’s counting. If you’re getting county, we need to know.” Hannah runs off to the restroom, looks at the mirror, and says “You’re fine, you’re fine, you’re fine, you’re gonna be fine, you’re gonna be fine, you’re gonna be fine,” like a million times (although I’m guessing Hannah can tell you exactly how many times she says it).

Shoshanna goes to Radhika’s party by herself, and of course it’s a college party in a fancy doorman building because that’s where college kids live in Lena Dunham’s world. After babbling on and on and on, she leaves. But on the way out, she has sex with the sexy doorman in the mailroom.

Ray tells Marnie that she is mad at Charlie because she wants what he has, and she should stop bitching about it and start doing what makes her happy. Turns out that thing is singing. Ray explains that the clay is drying so if she wants to sing, she has to sing now. Marnie takes his advice way too literally and bursts into song because she really is that stupid.

Hannah’s parents take her to a child psychologist. Hannah explains to the doctor that this hasn’t happened since high school, but when it happens she does things in cycles of eight, including masturbating. She’s annoyed because he tells her that her OCD is a “classic case” and she wants to be special. Later, we see her on the subway carrying a bag from the pharmacy (but not a handbag, because these girls are like kangaroos), looking a complete mess. I’m guessing that book isn’t getting written anytime soon.

Shoshanna and her deflowerer are in bed together talking about emotions and in walks Marnie because…they are now roommates? Did I miss that episode? Shoshanna suggests that Marnie get a “pretty person job,” which apparently is a hostess at a restaurant.

Jessa is painting her new husband who looks like the biggest jackass in the world, complete with a fedora hat and facial hair. They got matching tiger tattoos, which is just so perfect. Hannah stops by wearing “shorteralls” to hear about the honeymoon. But, because everything is always all about Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, she starts yapping about her boyfriend and how she gave him an essay that she wrote four days ago, but he has not yet gotten around to reading it because law school blah blah busy. Jessa drops a pearl of wisdom and tells Hannah that if he’s not reading her essay, “he’s not reading you.”

The Republican boyfriend whose name I have not yet learned reveals that he did read the essay—he just didn’t like it. Hannah then uses his political beliefs as an excuse to break up with him, and he sees it as her breaking up with him because she’s over the novelty of dating a black man. It ends in Hannah getting kicked to the curb, though I’m guessing this is not the last we’ll see of the entirely-too-hot-for-Hannah Republican. When she gets home, she finds Marnie talking to Elijah about whether or not they should let Hannah know about their three pumps’ worth of sex. Oh, and Marnie got one of those pretty person jobs, which does not meet with Hannah’s approval.

Hannah toddles off to her bedroom to watch a YouTube video about how to cut your own bangs, which OMG do not do ever. Seriously, promise me now that you will never, ever attempt to cut your own bangs. Trust me on this one. Adam texts her that he’s downstairs…and then suddenly bursts into her bedroom by using the “emergency key.” She starts to dial 911 but hangs up even though Adam is being much creepier than normal. Eventually, Hannah demands that Adam get out of the apartment (though I’m guessing she kind of meant her life, too), but just as he leaves, the police show up.

Turns out if you call the police and hang up, they still show up? Good to know. Hannah tries to explain that Adam didn’t do anything wrong and she just wanted to ask a few questions about restraining orders. But, it turns out that Adam has two unpaid parking tickets and a summons for public urination, so the police put him in cuffs and take him away anyhow. Nice work, Hannah. You drove the super hot Republican away with your neediness, and you drove the gangly serial-killer-in-training away in a police car.