Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com
Where were we? Right. Hannah’s gay-best-friend-turned-roommate, Elijah, had very brief and unpleasant sex with Hannah’s former-best-friend-and-former-roommate, Marnie. And for some reason, Elijah’s boyfriend, George, is pissed. Elijah, however, doesn’t understand why his little foray into ladybits doesn’t sit well with George. Meanwhile, Hannah is in her bedroom exercising in an outfit that nobody should own. Her breakup with Adam has inspired him to write crappy music that has her concerned he might be “murderying in a murdery way.” And, as if The Fountainhead wasn’t enough of a clue, we learn that Hannah’s new boyfriend is, ugh, a for reals Republican.
Shoshanna and her deflowerer are in bed together talking about emotions and in walks Marnie because…they are now roommates? Did I miss that episode? Shoshanna suggests that Marnie get a “pretty person job,” which apparently is a hostess at a restaurant.
Jessa is painting her new husband who looks like the biggest jackass in the world, complete with a fedora hat and facial hair. They got matching tiger tattoos, which is just so perfect. Hannah stops by wearing “shorteralls” to hear about the honeymoon. But, because everything is always all about Hannah, Hannah, Hannah, she starts yapping about her boyfriend and how she gave him an essay that she wrote four days ago, but he has not yet gotten around to reading it because law school blah blah busy. Jessa drops a pearl of wisdom and tells Hannah that if he’s not reading her essay, “he’s not reading you.”
The Republican boyfriend whose name I have not yet learned reveals that he did read the essay—he just didn’t like it. Hannah then uses his political beliefs as an excuse to break up with him, and he sees it as her breaking up with him because she’s over the novelty of dating a black man. It ends in Hannah getting kicked to the curb, though I’m guessing this is not the last we’ll see of the entirely-too-hot-for-Hannah Republican. When she gets home, she finds Marnie talking to Elijah about whether or not they should let Hannah know about their three pumps’ worth of sex. Oh, and Marnie got one of those pretty person jobs, which does not meet with Hannah’s approval.
Hannah toddles off to her bedroom to watch a YouTube video about how to cut your own bangs, which OMG do not do ever. Seriously, promise me now that you will never, ever attempt to cut your own bangs. Trust me on this one. Adam texts her that he’s downstairs…and then suddenly bursts into her bedroom by using the “emergency key.” She starts to dial 911 but hangs up even though Adam is being much creepier than normal. Eventually, Hannah demands that Adam get out of the apartment (though I’m guessing she kind of meant her life, too), but just as he leaves, the police show up.
Turns out if you call the police and hang up, they still show up? Good to know. Hannah tries to explain that Adam didn’t do anything wrong and she just wanted to ask a few questions about restraining orders. But, it turns out that Adam has two unpaid parking tickets and a summons for public urination, so the police put him in cuffs and take him away anyhow. Nice work, Hannah. You drove the super hot Republican away with your neediness, and you drove the gangly serial-killer-in-training away in a police car.