Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com
At the end of last season, Hannah and Adam were solidifying their relationship, which involved Adam breaking his leg. Now we find Hannah tending to an immobilized Adam and we remember why we dislike him so intensely—because he’s an awful, horrible, self-indulgent jerk. According to The World of Adam, when you love somebody, “you don’t have to be nice all the time.” Yes, but shouldn’t you at least try?
Hannah and her ex-boyfriend-turned-gay-best-friend-and-roommate Elijah are planning theme night parties—fondue night, craft night, a Gertrude-Steiny French salon night. But tonight’s theme seems to be “generic Brooklyn apartment party night,” complete with pretzels, cheap beer, and a long line for the only bathroom.
Marni is in attendance, and so his her ex-boyfriend, Charlie, and his new girlfriend, a tiny little thing wearing some kind of shorts jumpsuit that never looks good on anyone and screams “do not even try to have sex with me tonight.” Before the night is through, she dumps him in front of Marni which, yeah. That’s harsh. So Marni and Hannah go to have a chat in Hannah’s bedroom where Hannah strips down because it was edgy and shocking the first five times she did it and this is HBO so why not? She changes into yet another frumpy dress while Marni tries to repair their friendship. I don’t know. If Marni was really her friend, she’d tell Hannah that her entire wardrobe is just…sad.
Shoshanna The Former Virgin is at the party and talking like a Twitter-text-IM and reminding me that I am an olde. She and the man who deflowered her have an awkward conversation over the obligatory pile of party coats and handbags. He says she texts emojis a lot? And “that makes it so easy to dismiss you?” And it’s all very high-pitched? But there’s some truth in this—a frowny face does not require a response. Use your words, Shoshanna!But when he’s around her, he remembers how charming she is, and one whopper of a kiss later…sigh.
Elijah’s boyfriend, George, is being drunk and surly. Rather than deal with George himself, Elijah asks Hannah to please get George out of the apartment. Hannah walks George halfway down the block then runs back inside and locks the door, which is the most passive-aggressive way of getting rid of an unwanted party guest that I’ve ever seen. Also, the apartment is in Greenpoint, so she basically left this guy to deal with the G train on a late night weekend schedule, which means he’ll be home sometime on Tuesday.
After ditching George, Hannah tries to dump a bunch of provisions on Adam and run back to the party. But he won’t let her leave that easily and tells her that she’s the best thing in his life and that he’ll die without her, blah blah blah. I don’t believe a word of it, and neither does Hannah. So she walks out on him. Finally.
Back at the party, the last guest has left save for Marni, who is karaokeing with Elijah. They decide to start a band but don’t choose a band name which, duh, is always the first step in starting a band. Elijah confesses that George is essentially his sugar daddy, and then entertains the idea of maybe sort of having a sudden attraction to Marni. Lips lock, buttons unbutton, bras unhook, pants come off, and…he may have just confirmed that he is not actually attracted to women. But don’t worry about Marni. After she leaves Elijah, she ends up at Charlie’s place for some snuggling and/or canoodling.
Meanwhile, Jessa and her brand spanking new husband are somewhere that requires Jessa to wear her hair in cornrows that do not look good on white women, ever. And that’s the only teensy tiny glimpse we get of Jessa’s marriage.
Having left Adam to die of a broken leg, Hannah arrives at some guy’s apartment and asks to read his copy of The Fountainhead, which is how Libertarians are made. Aaaand, she undresses again because we haven’t seen enough of her bare ass on this show. But that does make one wonder—who’s the new guy?