Bill and Emma do a redneck tango for the Jimmy Buffett nation, or something like that.  Well, I guess anything can be a tango if you stick your arm out a certain way. Lots of spinning, lots of intense walking across the floor, lots of cheeseburgers in paradise, and lots of puns from the judges for a disappointing 23 points.

Elizabeth Berkley is worried about channeling her inner Nomi Malone while dancing the Cha-Cha-Cha because Nomi was known for her Cha Cha. And that was a dark period in her life where doors slammed and critics criticized. I have no idea what makes this even a Cha, let along a Cha-Cha-Cha. It kind of looks like she put on a song and started dancing alone in her bedroom, but whatever. Apparently it was “clean, sharp, and brilliant,” with a perfect score of 30 points.

Leah dances the quickstep with Tony. It is both quick and steppy as she flies across the floor, landing on the judging table.  Len tells us there are rules to the quickstep involving ten seconds in the beginning, ten seconds in the end, and the rest of the time your feet must be a blur. Well rules are no fun, Len. She gets straight nines for a total of 27 points.

Brant and Peta dance the tango. As usual, they look great. But this particular bit of choreography was a bit of a snore, and he seemed to want to drop her on her head during the final dip, so who knows. “No gimmicks, none of this messing about,” Len loved it, and Bruno noticed a couple of stumbles but otherwise thought it was his best performance for a total score of 28 points.

Amber and Derek dance the samba, and it’s fast and swirly with gratuitous arm extensions and it is just fabulous! That girl can dance! Wow. Len is harsh. He maybe thinks the choreography was “a tad repetitive,” but Bruno and Carrie Ann are all, “what are you talking about old man?” Boos abound, and Amber receives two tens and an eight, for a total score of 28 points.

Jack and Cheryl dance the paso doble, and he’s in a full matador outfit. He looks awkward and afraid, but he executes his moves with precision. Carrie Ann calls his performance one-dimensional, and Bruno thinks he was chasing the music for a total of 25 points.

Snooki and Sasha dance the foxtrot. Wow. This is probably the klassiest she’s ever looked. Get rid of that Kool-Aid hair dye and drunken-night-on-the-boardwalk tattoos and she could pass as a lady! The judges are impressed, for a total score of 27 points.

Corbin and Korina dance the Viennese waltz to the opening credits of Game Of Thrones which is just weird. That’s like dancing the tango to the theme song from Friends. Maybe he’s auditioning for a part on the show? Ooh, did she fall a little bit? I think she did. The judges are not thrilled, and only give Corbin a total of 23 points.

Well here’s something new, the Switch Up Challenge. Four couples will dance on the floor simultaneously, and the music will keep changing. Awesome. This is like the worst improv class ever.

The first group Snooki, Corbin, Bill, and Jack. Ready…dance! I SAID DANCE!!! Bill’s shirt immediately comes off, Jack fails Breakdancing 101, Corbin’s doing a bunny hop, Snooki is being spun around surprisingly not by her hair, and Bill is out. A lot of sexy shimmying is happening, Corbin’s on the floor, and Jack is out. Snooki is out with her Random Charleston, and the winner is Corbin.

The second group is Brant, Leah, Amber, and Elizabeth. Elizabeth goes straight for her stripper moves, Leah is doing a serviceable Cha-Cha, Amber is being spun around so fast she nearly kicks Brant in the face, and Leah is out. There are wild gyrations everywhere, with Elizabeth out. Amber is doing a tired jive and Brant is trying not to step on his partner’s face, and Amber is the winner.

It’s time for the results. The safe couples are Elizabeth and Val, Amber and Derek, Brant and Peta, Leah and Tony, Corbin and Karina, and Snooki and Sasha. So who goes home? Jack or Bill? Neither, they’re both safe. There was a technical problem at the end of the last show with the wrong phone numbers blah blah blah, nobody goes home. Great. So what, we get another week of this? Sigh.

Reprinted from BiteSizeWellness.com