Before anyone even taps a toe, we learn that one of the women is going home tonight based only on the viewer votes. So good luck, ladies!
Christina and Mark are dancing a very functional Cha-Cha-Cha. Oh look! She’s got a tramp stamp. Big shocker. The whole thing was very monotone, but she didn’t miss a step. It causes Bruno to rise up out of his seat and swivel what I think might be his hips, so I guess the judges liked it. Wow, the old guy gives her a ten and the other two toss out nines, for a total score of [does the math] 28 points.
Jack and Cheryl are dancing the waltz and his moves are much smoother this week as he drags his partner awkwardly across the floor by her thigh. Aww look, his wife is in the audience. She must be a very patient woman because have you seen that mother-in-law? Anyway, the judges are happy with Jack’s performance, with the pretty lady praising the quality of his performance for a total score of 27 points.
Leah and Tony are dancing “contemporary!” Yes!!! Complete with marionette strings and a tear-away outfit! Literal boxing arms, mop the floor, hands on stove, kicking bird, whoa, I have no words for that lifting move but I think Leah is wearing too much clothes to accomplish it successfully. Well that was perfectly awful in so many ways. The judges agree, and whallop her with a meager 22 points.
Corbin and Karina dance the foxtrot and are piles of elegance except for that fake smile plastered on their faces. Stop smiling! That looks exhausting! The old guy appreciates the dance, and Bruno calls Corbin the love child of Fred Astaire and Ben Vereen which he claims is a compliment. Then, the two pretty ladies get into a dispute about lifts and whether toes left the ground. With Bruno’s 10, there’s a total score of 28 points.
Bill and Emma dance the Viennese waltz to a schmaltzy Billy Joel song. He’s really trying, but he’s not a dancer so poor Emma has to choreograph around his deficiencies. But that was nice, and the judges give them a total of 24 points.
Oh joy, Snooki and Sasha are dancing “Jazz” to Britney Spears’ Work Bitch, which is perhaps the most depressing song ever. It’s bouncy and spinny and Snooki spends more time off of the floor than on, so that’s something new for her. I would call this performance technically questionable but fun. Well the judges loved it and give it a total of 27 points.
Next up are Brent and Peta dancing…contemporary! Whoo! Sadness, spinning, hands-for-feet, double matador, flipper kicks, putting pants on, hate the ground, Master Blaster, run to the light Carol Anne. Blah blah blah, 27 points.
Amber and Derek dance the foxtrot and as usual, she’s just the best. She’s got a combination of grace and grrrrooowl that makes for a killer performance. Bruno calls it sensational, but the old guy didn’t like it because the dance wasn’t so much of a foxtrot. Whatever, old guy. His 7 is cancelled out by Bruno’s 10 and earns a total score of 26 points.
Ugh, Nomi Malone dragged Mario Lopez out for an appearance. Then she dancing a jive inspired by Saved By The Bell to remind everyone that she’s not just Nomi Malone but is also Jessie Spano. Reach for the stars, Elizabeth. Oh boy. This is awful. I’m embarrassed for the both of them. It’s just so cheesy that it’s painful to watch. Sounds like the judges liked it for a total score of 26 points.
Corbin and Korina, Amber and Derek, Bill and Emma, Jack and Cheryl, Brant and Peta, Snooki and Sasha, and Elizabeth and Val are safe from elimination. So it’s between Christina and Mark and Leah and Tony, and after a Very. Long. Pause. Christina and Mark are eliminated. That receives a chorus of boos from the studio audience, but whatever, studio audience. You don’t matter.