Seven strangers picked to live in a loft on Prince and Broadway back in nineteen freaking ninety two which is (math, math, carry the one) twenty-nine years ago. The show has been credited as the very first reality television show even though it was like the second or third, but since it was the first one that people watched (the others were on PBS or something) it gets the crown. And it spawned a whole new genre of entertainment that, if you think about it, is pretty much responsible for the entire Trump presidency. But you take the good, you take the bad, you take ‘em both and there you have…the wrong theme song stuck in your head. Ugh.

Anyhoo, let’s reunite with these formerly young but now solidly middle-aged roomies. Who’s up first?

Julie, in a cab, NO MASK! It is truly disconcerting to see people maskless in New York City. She looks good, but she’s still annoyingly chipper so I need to move on to literally anyone else.

Becky—mask up, Becky! She wanted to do The Real World because she had a lot to say to people and a lot to offer. I cannot remember her on the show at all except for that one time she put Dixie® Cups in her bra so maybe “Look at my boobs!” Is all she had to say? I have no idea what she’s up to now because the producers have turned their attention to…

Kevin! Wear. A. Mask. He notes that back in 1992, they had a phone in the loft with a cord that ran into the wall, but now everybody has a phone in their pockets and…no cord. Yes, Kevin. Technology. But speaking of things that change, Kevin was so ahead of his time when it comes to social justice, or more like the rest of us were just way too far back from where we should’ve been. I’m guessing this will be covered more in later episodes, but I feel like we have a well-deserved “I told y’all” coming.

Norman is wearing his mask because he’s a good human. Be like Norman. It should also be noted that I went to college with Norman. Or, more accurately, we were in the same college at the same time but did not know each other. So you can just stop hounding me for autographs, please. Anyway, in the intervening twenty-nine years, Norman made a laptop stand. I want to slow clap that, but my laptop stand is a bunched up blanket on my leg so I’m actually kind of impressed with his ingenuity.

Andre. No mask. Just saying. He very quickly drags a mattress into the weight room so that he doesn’t have to sleep with anyone else and it’s the smartest thing I’ve ever seen a reality contestant do. He still has an amazing head of hair, plus he’s got a kid who wants to speak to his “fwends” which is pretty freaking cute. For anyone who’s keeping track, Norman made a laptop stand and Andre made a cute kid.

Dead pet segment, pour one or two out for Gouda and Smokey.

Heather B WHERE IS YOUR MASK? Oh my gawd, Heather brought a freaking bar in her luggage! She’s journaling and I would like to do a dramatic reading of whatever it is she’s writing, but only after half a suitcase of alcohol.

And, for the moment three of you were waiting for…Eric. He’s still less interesting than he is attractive, and what he’s definitely not is in the loft. Because he has Coronavirus. So he’s on a screen sporting a spirit sweater. And by spirit sweater, I mean a truly ugly cardigan that you’d find in the hotel gift shop at a Holiday Inn Express just outside of Santa Fe. Tears are being shed by the other roommates. Not because Eric has a potentially fatal and highly contagious virus, but because Eric can’t be on the show.

That’s pretty much it, your basic starter episode. No fauxrage or manufactured conflict or drinks thrown in anyone’s face. It’s just a reunion of seven people who used to know each other almost three decades ago.

Overall grade? Meh. It’s a decent dose of nostalgia, but it doesn’t make me want to gather up all of my former roommates and relive the glory days. It doesn’t even make me want to watch the next episode, but honestly, it’s a pandemic and there’s a lot of time to kill so let’s do this all again next week.

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Welcome back to The Soap Opera Before The Storm! Below are a few observations about some of our favorite characters in what is looking like their final moments of life. It all begins with Bran sitting in his wheelchair in the snow, staring at a tree like an unpublished Edward Gorey book. All this absurdist tableau needs is a deep, meaningful conversation with a dwarf….

Speaking of Tyrion Lannister, the most prescient bit of foreshadowing has got to be his two cents about sister Cersei’s complete and utter failure to send any Lannister troops to Winterfell, save for her one-handed and dispirited brother, Jaimie:

Maybe after I’m dead, I’ll march down to King’s Landing and rip her apart.

Yes, Tyrion. Maybe you will. And maybe so will a whole lot of other previously-alive-but-not-exactly-dead characters. That’s the big flaw in the battle plan–the more soldiers you lose, the more wights they have, the quicker the battle ends very poorly for the living.

Before there’s the inevitable un-death, there’s the Game Of Thrones Reunion Special starring fan favorite pairings like Sir Jaimie and Lady Brienne. Perhaps it’s the general sense of impending doom, but it seems like these two have finally realized that the love is real. When Sir Jaimie knights Lady, er, Sir Brienne, at the world’s last and most dismal slumber party…I know we were all hoping for a kiss. But, the knowing eye contact was truly twice as sweet. Except…someone should probably tell Big Red that Big Blonde is pretty much taken. Or at least extremely smitten.

Speaking of sweet pairings, the only two black people in Winterfell are already planning a post-war skeedaddle because Winterfell is looking about as white as a Canadian hockey game. I hope these two lovebirds make it back to sunshine and palm trees, but if I’ve learned anything from horror movies, they’re beyond doomed.

Arya and The Hound have always been a great team, but…ew. What isn’t ew, however, is the new hot little power couple Arya and Gendry! With only hours to go before the Battle Royale, Arya spends her final moments with the handsome blacksmith…who lets her know that he’s really a Baratheon. When Arya questions how many women Gendry has been with, I can’t tell if she’s jealous, or trying to find out if there are potential seedlings with proper claims to the Iron Throne. Aaaaaaand robes drop, torchlights flicker, love is made, and I think we may be looking at the future King and Queen of The Seven Kingdoms! Seriously, forget my prior predictions, my new best guess is that these two make it out alive.

There are also a few minor pairings that were never meant to be:

• Samwell Tarly and his family sword are soon parted since Sam isn’t even strong enough to hold valyrian steel upright. Without a sword to protect his family, I’m guessing his time in the crypt will be shorter than Ned Stark’s time in King’s Landing.
• Telling Tyrion Lannister “we’re out of wine” is ill advised because there is nothing that separates that man from his tipsy goblet.
• Now that they’ve been outed as Much Too Squickily Related, Daenerys Targaryen and Aegon “Jon Snow” Targaryen are no longer chasing waterfalls. In fact, I’m more than a little worried for Jon Snow’s wellbeing since Dany notes that, “If it were true, it’d make you the last male heir to House Targaryen. You’d have a claim to the Iron Throne.” And we all know she can’t have a male heir make it out of this battle alive.

The zombies are finally here! Yay! That means next week, our friends from The Seven Kingdoms start dropping faster than you can say Mance Rayder. But don’t worry! They’ll soon start reanimating so that they can kill even more of our friends, until all that’s left are…I don’t know…that’s the big question, isn’t it?

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After waiting I don’t know how long for a new season of The Walking Dead, viewers were subjected to a freshman year film school assignment submitted by a solid B student.

We see the world through Tyreese’s (dying) eyes, and Tyreese sees dead people. Wow, how deep and insightful. Yeah, there are zombie kills. But it’s not enough to make up for the lack of imagination.

On a brighter note, it appears that the survivors are only one hundred short miles from Washington, D.C., which is totally confusing because they’ve been in the same place, or on foot, or driving in circles, for several years. But thanks to snappy editing, the bumbling gang of vagabonds are nearly on the proper side of the Mason Dixon, and all without having to suffer through a single brutal winter. I love magic, don’t you?

Anyway, spoiler alert! Tyreese is dead. *shrugs*

Next week, there’s more grousing as the group approaches Washington. I hope they don’t get stuck in beltway traffic!

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Lady Mary has a lover, Lady Edith has a bastard baby, and Lady Cora has an admirer. It’s a romantic liaison of a season for the upstairs of the Abbey.

But Lord Grantham is none to pleased with his wife’s sudden interest in art and her tag-along admirer of pretty things. And Lady Mary, heh. She was all about Tony until she, well, got to know Tony a little bit better if you know what I mean. Ooh! Granny Grantham is not pleased that Mary gave away the goods without first selling the cow. Then there’s Miss Bunting and Mister Tom. There’s not much to say about that milquetoast couple exempt I can’t be the only person counting the days until Tom sets sail for America. And let’s not forget Lady Rose who is absolutely besides herself that there’s not enough lemon for her Russian comrades.

Speaking of Russian comrades, Granny Grantham has an admirer of her own. More specifically, she had an admirer. Back in Saint Petersburg decades and decades ago. And he’s a prince! And now he’s here, in Downton Abbey! That’s not totally and completely awkward at all. Or as Lady Mary puts it, “Granny has a paaaahhhst!”

Next week, more juicy plot lines including Bates, Lady Mary, and even sad sack Lady Edith.

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If you thought that I stopped watching television, you’d be wrong. So wrong. It’s just that there’s nothing new to watch. So for the past couple of weeks I’ve been gobbling up the first three seasons of Downton Abbey, and I am nearly through the first season of American Horror Story. And with every new year comes a new season of television, ripe for recapping. So starting in January, there’ll be all new recaps:

Downton Abbey: It’s Season 4, and we’ve got an all new widower which can only mean one thing–fancy funeral clothes!

Girls: The new season promises triple the neurosis and ten times the hipster.

Teen Wolf: Apparently this is a show on MTV and not just a movie that I may or may not have seen in high school because I am old enough to be MTV’s mom.

Archer: The great thing about cartoons is that you can make them do and say things that no real life actor would touch with a ten-foot pole.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: This show is up for a bazillion Golden Globe Awards (or, like, two. But still, impressive!) and has a killer cast, so there’s pretty much no reason not to watch.

FaceOff: Okay, I’m just going to say it–FaceOff has the most talented artists of any reality television show.

Burning Love: Ha, well, as you can see from my handy dandy calendar above, I have no idea when this show starts or what time it’s on because the E! website is the worst, but I do know that it’s a spoof on reality dating shows so recapping it will be way too meta for words.

The Taste: They cook, I ogle Anthony Bourdain, some French guy says French things, and that’s about the big and small of it.

Under The Gunn: Someone finally gave Tim Gunn his own teevee show! Oh, happy days!

Toned Up: You know how some people start a business and are all “this is a totally unique and new idea” but it’s not? Well that’s this, with two life-long friends sporting leathery skin and yoga pants revolutionizing the exercise world with their…yoga. Which is something I’m quite certain has been around for at least as long as their tans.

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“Why can’t you do anything like a normal person?”

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This is Tamra, Special Attaché to the Land of Real Housewives. I’ve had rigatoni with sauce that looks better than her grizzled slabs of roasted chicken cutlets.  Let her fake breasts serve as a cautionary tale to all ladies everywhere–moisturize, stay out of the sun, and never let your boobs go commando.

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This week, the seven remaining “stars” flip out over somersaults. You know, I would imagine the job of hairstylist on this show must be frustring since everyone just screws up their great work by jumping into a pool. But let’s move on to the divers. 

Seven foot tall Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is the first diver of the evening, and he struts out onto the platform in what looks like a modest swimsuit from The Duggar Collection. Come on, Kareem! Show a little leg! Like, four feet worth. Kareem does a couple of rotations into a modified cannonball from the 10 foot platform. Idiot Judge says it was a front one-and-a-half which earns him a 6. Serious Judge gives him a 6.5.

Catherine Webb is wearing a sparklefest bathing suit with more straps than a housewife after a 50 Shades Of Grey book club in Lincoln, Nebraska. She’s doing a reverse flip, which makes her contact lens escape during practice. Catherine’s dive is from the 23 foot platform, and is a backwards flip with a baby deer entry into the pool. Serious Judge says she was “completely out of control” and gives her a 6. Ditto for Idiot Judge.

The producers stuffed Nicole Eggert into yet another red bathing suit, shmeared some makeup on her face, and shoved her out onto the 16 foot platform. Is that a tramp stamp? And why am I so surprised? Nicole does some sort of back flip and sticks the landing, so good for her. Idiot Judge gives her an 8.5, and Serious Judge gives Nicole an 8.

Rory Bushfield is braving a ruptured eardrum to dive for us this evening. To keep his ear dry during practice, he goes up to the ten meter platform and visualizes the dive. I’m not even going to tell you what I’ve been visualizing watching him visualize the dive. He climbs up to the 33 foot platform, does what looks like two somersaults, and cannonballs into the pool. Serious Judge gives him a 7.5, and Idiot Judge gives him a 7.

Some kid I swear I’ve never seen before named Greg dives from the 33 foot platform. He says that he’s never done this, which is weird because he’s been practicing all week. It’s a slight over-rotation into the pool after a single flip. Meh. Idiot Judge is disappointed with the level of difficulty and gives him a 6.5. Serious Judge gives him a 6.

Brandi Chastain is next. She does a backwards single flippity-doo from the 23 foot platform and it’s almost good, except for going into the pool at entirely the wrong angle. Serious Judge gives her a 6.5, and Idiot Judge gives her a 6.

The final diver is Louie Anderson, who has to score more than12 points to stay in the competition. Oh my gawd, they make him wear horizontal stripes, in alternating black and burned flesh. Practice includes rolling him off of the platform. He’s “diving” by rolling from the 16 foot platform, and Greg Louganis is assigned the hefty task of lowering Louie into position. And…what on earth was that? No. That was not a dive. It was nothing more than gravity taking over. Serious Judge gives him a 6, which puts the weight of Louie Anderson on Idiot Judge’s shoulders. Idiot Judge gives him a 5.5, which sends him home. Well, good for him for trying.

Next week, I don’t know. I’m not sure how many more of these I can watch, but they all have to dive from the high platform.

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Reprinted with permission from www.travelfreak.com

The teams start out this leg of the race in Bali, Indonesia. The Photo That Came With Your Picture Frame leave at 5:01 a.m. and must fly to Hanoi, Vietnam and proceed to the Rap Cong Nhan Theater to find their next clue inside Gallery 42. They have sort of agreed to be eliminated in Vietnam since Dan’s doctor advised him to have surgery on his ankle within seven days, but you never know what’s going to happen in the race.

The BFFs depart next, followed by the Newlyweds. They all catch the first flight out and arrive in Hanoi at 6:00 p.m. The next batch of teams leave about two hours later, but it doesn’t matter. A nighttime arrival allows all teams to catch up, except for TPTCWYPF. They go straight to the pit stop to eliminate themselves from the race. Tears, hugs, apologies, now get the heck out of here.

Roadblock! Teams must watch the performance of a patriotic Vietnamese song and remember the last line that is written on a bunch of parisols. One team member must then find those words, without taking any notes, on one of a hundred different political posters. If they get it wrong, they will have to wait for the next performance five minutes later. There is a lot of guessing going on between performances, and BFF is the only team to get it right on the first shot. The clue sends them to Cong Vien Thong Nhat to take part in the Vietnamese bamboo dance.

Permullet, My Family Is Famous and Newlyweds finish the Roadblock next, and after only one more performance, the rest of the teams are out on the course.

After blazing through a bamboo dance that was more like stepping over a bunch of twigs, Detour! Teams must choose between Make Your Move or Make A Meal. In Make Your Move, teams must set up a giant chess game using human pieces scattered around a park. Once all of the pieces are placed in the correct position, they’ll get their next clue. In Make A Meal, teams must prepare pho by collecting two empty baskets and two baskets of chickens, purchase the right ingredients in the correct amount at a market, and prepare the food at a tiny outdoor cooking station.

Only Permullet and the Newlyweds chose the cooking challenge and quickly realize that it could be a disaster, especially for ignorant Americans who can’t identify ginger and bean sprouts. Complicating matters for Permullet is an inability to even find the market as they are taken totally out of the way by a rickshaw driver.

Team BFF finished the chess challenge just as the other teams were arriving and received a clue that sent them to the B-52 memorial. There they found a Double U-Turn and used it to U-Turn Team YouTube. The clue sends them to the pit stop at the national museum of history. They check in as team number one while everyone else is still bumbling around the course.

The chess challenge is so boring that I won’t subject you to the details except to say that My Family Is Famous is the only team struggling with the challenge. As the grey matter starts to seep out of their ears, they ask the human chess pieces for help. Team Bro, YouTube (who have no idea that they’ve been U-Turned), and Roller Derby complete the task while My Family Is Famous tries to beat an old man at his own game.

The Newlywed’s pho was delicious enough for a clue, and they are off to the B-52 memorial and then the pit stop where they check in as team number two. Roller Derby check in as team number three, with Team Bro as team number four.

Upon arriving at the U-Turn, YouTube see that they’ve been U-Turned. They decide to U-Turn Permullet as their best chance for staying in the race. The two teams run into each other at the market, where Permullet realizes that they forgot to get the chickens. That gives YouTube a chance to pull ahead of Permullet. My Family Is Famous checks in at the pit stop as team number five, and YouTube checks in as team number six.

When Permullet realize that they’ve been U-Turned, his feelings are crushed and she looks about ready to throw in the towel. But they power through, and Phil has some good news for them at the pit stop. Because Dave and Conner had to withdraw from the race, Permullet are team number seven.

Next week, teams head to Batswana and go on a hunt with Kalahari Bushmen.

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