Splash Episode 4: Head Over Heels

Louis Anderson Splash

This week, the seven remaining “stars” flip out over somersaults. You know, I would imagine the job of hairstylist on this show must be frustring since everyone just screws up their great work by jumping into a pool. But let’s move on to the divers. 

Seven foot tall Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is the first diver of the evening, and he struts out onto the platform in what looks like a modest swimsuit from The Duggar Collection. Come on, Kareem! Show a little leg! Like, four feet worth. Kareem does a couple of rotations into a modified cannonball from the 10 foot platform. Idiot Judge says it was a front one-and-a-half which earns him a 6. Serious Judge gives him a 6.5.

Catherine Webb is wearing a sparklefest bathing suit with more straps than a housewife after a 50 Shades Of Grey book club in Lincoln, Nebraska. She’s doing a reverse flip, which makes her contact lens escape during practice. Catherine’s dive is from the 23 foot platform, and is a backwards flip with a baby deer entry into the pool. Serious Judge says she was “completely out of control” and gives her a 6. Ditto for Idiot Judge.

The producers stuffed Nicole Eggert into yet another red bathing suit, shmeared some makeup on her face, and shoved her out onto the 16 foot platform. Is that a tramp stamp? And why am I so surprised? Nicole does some sort of back flip and sticks the landing, so good for her. Idiot Judge gives her an 8.5, and Serious Judge gives Nicole an 8.

Rory Bushfield is braving a ruptured eardrum to dive for us this evening. To keep his ear dry during practice, he goes up to the ten meter platform and visualizes the dive. I’m not even going to tell you what I’ve been visualizing watching him visualize the dive. He climbs up to the 33 foot platform, does what looks like two somersaults, and cannonballs into the pool. Serious Judge gives him a 7.5, and Idiot Judge gives him a 7.

Some kid I swear I’ve never seen before named Greg dives from the 33 foot platform. He says that he’s never done this, which is weird because he’s been practicing all week. It’s a slight over-rotation into the pool after a single flip. Meh. Idiot Judge is disappointed with the level of difficulty and gives him a 6.5. Serious Judge gives him a 6.

Brandi Chastain is next. She does a backwards single flippity-doo from the 23 foot platform and it’s almost good, except for going into the pool at entirely the wrong angle. Serious Judge gives her a 6.5, and Idiot Judge gives her a 6.

The final diver is Louie Anderson, who has to score more than12 points to stay in the competition. Oh my gawd, they make him wear horizontal stripes, in alternating black and burned flesh. Practice includes rolling him off of the platform. He’s “diving” by rolling from the 16 foot platform, and Greg Louganis is assigned the hefty task of lowering Louie into position. And…what on earth was that? No. That was not a dive. It was nothing more than gravity taking over. Serious Judge gives him a 6, which puts the weight of Louie Anderson on Idiot Judge’s shoulders. Idiot Judge gives him a 5.5, which sends him home. Well, good for him for trying.

Next week, I don’t know. I’m not sure how many more of these I can watch, but they all have to dive from the high platform.

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