Where did Carol get her extensive collection of sensible ladies’ wear? And how are her collars so neatly pressed in the zombie apocalypse? It’s all just so contrary to everything I know about the end of civilization. Maggie, too. She’s sporting a pressed button-down that is less wrinkled than I’ve been on any job interview. Ugh, even Li’l Asskicker has a North West-level wardrobe.

And trading recipes on the porch? Please. There’s no way that this town survived on its wits. “You can tell the difference between walkers and humans just by sound?” Um, what? You can’t? How are you still alive?

The highlight of the episode? Daryl eatin’ spaghetti. Oh, Daryl. Stay gold, Ponyboy.  And it’s heavy-handed metaphor time, with Michonne hanging her sword on the wall like she just purchased it off of QVC and Rick getting his hand stamped One of us! One of us! One of us! 

How many more episodes until things go really bad in Mayberry? I’m guessing one. Maybe two. But no more than three or this’ll turn into just another season on the farm. Also, there are only three episodes left, so…flaming zombies, or something.

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Three episodes left in what has been a comparatively decent season of The Walking Dead and our smelly little friends can’t seem to get themselves off of their new metaphorical farm. It’s a mere six hundred or so miles from Atlanta to Washington, D.C., yet these yokels have barely made it to the exurbs.

No matter though because SPOILER ALERT the Kenny Powers doppelgänger is not really a scientist. Nope. He’s just some guy who has spent a lot of time wandering the autism spectrum and figured his best shot at survival was pretending to be a man with a “very important mission.” Kudos to you, Eugene Porter. You really are business in the front.

Welp. That’s only vaguely disappointing. Now are we finally done with these tangential characters? And can we get back to some Carol and Daryl?

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One thing I like about The Walking Dead—fashions ended when the plague started. Maggie’s sister, what’s-her-name, Beth, is still wearing ultra low-rise jeans. Anyway, she’s looking for her friends, and Daryl is tracking them with his outdoorsy skills.

So Daryl has Beth, and Tyrese has the kids, including Li’l Asskicker. But there are walkers, and Tyrese has to run off to kill them all. This leaves the two tweens alone, with the baby. The older one muzzles the baby’s mouth, but it’s too late. Walkers. Tyrese is busy smashing his own crew of rotting flesh while the girls are doing quite a number on a motley crew of corpses…with the help of Poor Man’s Jamie Lee Curtis! They all come together at an intersection of hell and high water, with another human we have never seen before. He’s been bitten, but offers some advice. “There’s a place, up the tracks, it’s safe, you can take the children there…trust me, follow the tracks.” It leads them to a sign that read, “Sanctuary for all, community for all. Those who arrive, survive.” Hmm. Those signs are rarely as good as they seem, but we’ll see.

Sasha is with another guy whose name I don’t know, and Maggie. They have water and a decent vantage point, so they’re going to glamp for the night. But Maggie goes after Glenn, and they can’t split up so the other two follow. They find the bus. It doesn’t look good, so Maggie plows ahead. Yeah, it’s filled with walkers. They try to let the walkers out one-by-one, to see if Glenn is inside. But the barrage overtakes them…stabbing…blah blah blah, Glenn is not one of them, so Maggie goes inside to check the last of the bodies. Nope, no Glenn.

This is the first time in forever that Maggie looks an unattractive, stinky mess of dirt, feces, sweat, and desperation. It’s a good look, for a zombie flick. Anyway, speaking of Glenn, he’s on the roof of the prison with zombies closing in and none of his friends in sight. Basically, they left him there. So what does he do? He goes back inside, where it’s nice and dark. Smart, Glenn. Real smart. He’s got a lantern that lets off, like, no light. So he wanders around all of the places he used to be with Maggie, like his bedroom jail cell. And he finds his prison riot uniform, which he would put on right now if he was smart….

But Glenn is not smart. So he lies in bed, wondering how all of this happened to him, and he sees a picture of his true love, and it makes him cry, and Glenn has never been the manliest of men, but this is turning pathetic. But wait! Glenn puts on his super suit and walks right out of that prison through a sea of chompy walkers…until he finds some chick who used to be with The Governor’s Group. He half decides to rescue her, but only because he needs her help with the rest of the whole escape plan. They break free of their prison, and Glenn collapses after learning that Hershel is dead because, see above about not being the manliest of men. Then, a new trio arrive—two men and a lovely lady wearing what can only be called Sexy Zombie Apocalypse Survivor Halloween Costume.

Next week, Sergeant Abraham Ford and his crew roll onto the scene, and they need companions. The more, the better.

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Carl and Rick are hobbling along a road. Well, Rick is hobbling, and Carl is kind of annoyed at the burden. They clear a house, find some food, and ten bucks says they happen upon Poor Man’s Jamie Lee Curtis in the next three episodes. For some reason they don’t make camp there, maybe it didn’t have granite countertops? So they clear another house, arguing over technique. Oh this is a nice house, hardwood floors, fireplace in the bedroom, is that Guitar Hero? But what’s really important are the television wires which can be used to tie the door closed. Shane taught Carl how to do it, “remember him?” Ouch, Carl.

Oh. My. Gawd. We get a Michonne flashback! She has a seriously hot lovah…and a sword. And a baby named Peanut. No, this is a dream. She’s talking to two men, who represent her zombie pets. Yup, they’ve got no arms. Nightmare! Michonne has all the feelings all at once!

The next morning, Carl makes himself a bowl of Frostie Flakes and tries to wake up his father. But Rick is in pretty bad shape…and there are zombies at the door. Ruh-roh. Carl sneaks around to the front of the house and lures them away from the front door. He’s kind of an idiot, and walks them down the road a bit…right into another zombie. Now he’s seriously outnumbered and at the bottom of a dead zombie pileup. Good work, Carl. Now vomit, put your sheriff hat back on, and go take care of your father. Carl is pretty proud of himself, but unfortunately Rick is unconscious and doesn’t hear any of his angry speech about how many people Rick couldn’t protect. “You just wanted to plant vegetables, you just wanted to hide….They’re all gone now, because of you….But now, you’re nothing.” This has turned into quite the After School Special.

Carl goes exploring on his own and finds some canned foods and…what’s that? A giant tin of chocolate pudding? Delicious, I’m sure. Zombies behind the door! Zombies! Carl shoots wildly and is now out of bullets. It’s hand-to-hand combat, and Carl loses a shoe in the process before trapping the zombie in a bedroom. Well, kid. You still have your feet. He writes “Walker inside got my shoe didn’t get me” on the door, sits on the roof eating the tin of chocolate pudding, and surveys the scene.

Michonne walks with her pets in a zombie herd, looking beaten, broken, deflated, and just downright miserable. All of the growling and rotting is getting her a little nuts. She needs another human. For no good reason, she slices the head off of a walker. Then another, and another, and another…her cover is blown, and she’s on a slashing frenzy. The last to go are her pets.

Carl stands guard over Rick who is…did he turn zombie? He’s reaching out to Carl and grabs his foot. Carl can’t shoot him. But Rick’s not dead yet. First, he has some parting words. “Go outside, stay safe.” Carl is scared and does not want to leave his dying father, but we all know that’s not going to end well.

Oh good, Rick is all better. Damn. I was kind of looking forward to seeing Carl on his own. Meanwhile, Michonne misses her boyfriend, Mike. To lift her spirits, she chops off another zombie head and wanders aimlessly. She finds Carl’s pudding can which is just such a coincidence. Is that…no, it can’t be! It’s Carl and Rick, inside the house, having a man-to-man talk. Knock knock knock. Landshark? No, it’s Michonne.

Next week, we see what happens to the rest of the group.

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The episode begins with the Governor beating the crap out of Milton in an effort to get him to nut up. Blondie is still chained to a bad kind of chair with a shmear of too-neat-and-too-bright-to-be-real blood on her forehead. The Governor orders Milton to kill Blondie, but instead of carrying out those very specific and simple orders, Milton turns the knife on the Governor. Milton is too slow and feeble and gets a knife to the belly. Now the Governor can lock Milton in the bad chair room with Blondie and wait for him to die, turn into a zombie, and rip Blondie to pieces. Easy peasy, no need to worry that she might escape, or Milton might live, or someone might rescue her….

Over at the prison-themed bed and breakfast, everyone’s packing up their stuff to make a run for it. Carl, who is now twenty-seven, finds his father’s old sheriff’s badge. The camera lingers on it in a meaningful way, and I’m sure if the sheriff’s badge could speak it would give Carl a long, drawn-out lecture about responsibility. I love that Michonne is carrying her crap in a milk crate, like she’s moving out of her freshman year dorm. Michonne forgives Rick for trying to send her to her death, and then thanks him for taking her in because all women are helpless and need saving. I liked her a lot more before she found her voice. Everyone piles into their surprisingly clean vehicles, except for Daryl who hops on his zombie-proof motorcycle.

Meanwhile, the Governor is getting everyone all revved up for battle. Tyrese and his wife whose name I never bothered to remember because women are useless in the zombie apocalypse say that their fight is against the biters so they’re staying behind to defend the women, children, and the elderly.

To the war we’ve been promised all season! The Governor takes his caravan and storms an empty prison with machine guns and rocket launchers and all sorts of heavy duty equipment which is just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. How about sending someone in to confirm Team Rick’s location? Or at least make sure someone is still inside the prison? Once inside, Team Woodbury finds the prison cleared out of everything useful…except a book that I assume is some sort of bible, opened to a highlighted passage that reads:

29 And shall come forth; they that have done good, unto the resurrection of life; and they that have done evil, unto the resurrection of damnation.

Very, very profound stuff, but it does not deter the Governor who decides to move his crew deeper inside of the prison.

Milton tells Blondie that in the tussle, he dropped some tools behind her that she can probably reach with her foot and escape. He tells her to stab him in the head when she gets free so that he can’t turn. But Blondie decides to waste precious time by talking to Milton about things that are much less important than escaping from the bad chair, and Milton dies before Blondie escapes. I guess adrenaline kicks in because Blondie immediately frees her hands to fight Zombie Milton.

It turns out that Team Rick was hiding, waiting to ambush Team Woodbury. They scare Team Woodbury off a little too easily, considering how heavily armed the Governor’s crew was when they entered the prison. Carl even gets a kill in when an escapee in the woods won’t drop his weapon fast enough for the kid’s liking.

Team Rick wants to take the fight back to Woodbury, and we get our first glimpse of Li’l Asskicker in about three episodes. She is surprisingly quiet considering she’s an infant in the midst of gunfire. Hershel explains to Rick that Carl didn’t actually have to shoot the kid who was running through the woods, but rather “he gunned that kid down.” But Hershel doesn’t have a leg to stand on because it’s the goddamned zombie apocalypse and Team Rick has been shooting fish in a barrel all day long. Disciplining Carl for shooting someone is a little too “I learned it from watching you!” anti-drug PSA, so Rick skips the lecture and just moves on with his wretched life.

During Team Woodbury’s retreat, the Governor pulls the caravan over and shoots his own people for being frightened little girls. Despite being heavily armed, nobody thinks to shoot the Governor. Everyone is dead except that guy who made nice with Daryl during the peace talks and some other guy. Then, either as a sign of mercy or to save his own ass, the Governor starts to shoot all of his victims in the head so that they won’t turn. He runs out of bullets right before shooting a woman who was playing dead (because in The Walking Dead, women are scared and must hide instead of fight), then piles his diminished crew in a car and drives off.

Daryl, Rick, and Michonne are off to Woodbury. When they happen upon the Governor’s massacre, they’re a tad confused. Luckily there’s Karen, the one woman he left alive, to explain things. When they get to Woodbury, she tells Tyrese that the Governor is a killer (duh) and Rick’s crew saved her (eye roll). They then go in search of Blondie because…why? Oh right, because women need saving on The Walking Dead. They find Milton dead, and Blondie with a zombie bite wound. Yes! Pours a glass of Champagne….We finally get rid of her! Michonne decides to stay with her in the room while everyone else waits on the other side of the door for a gunshot. But, dammit, we don’t actually get to see Blondie’s dead body, so there’s still a chance that we will be stuck with her in Season Four.

A big old caravan filled with Woodbury’s decrepit elderly and a few children drives into the prison, so I guess we’re also stuck with the prison for Season Four.   The only person who seems happy about the reinforcements is Hershel, who now has a peer group.

Wow. So, yeah. That was far less satisfying than the flaming barn zombies from last season’s finale, and it leaves us in exactly the same place—Rick’s crew in the prison fighting the Governor’s crew in Woodbury. Sigh. I’ll see you all again in October.

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As if this season of The Walking Dead wasn’t boring enough, tonight’s episode was all about heart-to-hearts. Talking. Just two people, talking. There was Merle and Poor Man’s Jamie Lee Curtis, Daryl (who has sort of a weird boy-band-meets-Bowie haircut happening all of a sudden) and Glenn, then Merle and Daryl with a sappy “I just want my brother back,” and a prayer session between Hershel, his daughters, and the same God who created zombies. We also get a mercifully short talk between Rick and Lori, and oh! Glenn has a talk with Hershel where he asks for Maggie’s hand in marriage.

Speaking of things that are stupid, Michonne falls for the old “we have to secure the borders” trick and wanders around the prison alone with Merle. He easily takes her down (along with a half dozen walkers) even though Michonne would never, ever make such a rookie mistake.

To make it even more ridiculous, Merle somehow drags an unconscious Michonne out of the prison without anyone noticing. Once she wakes up, they’re on the road to Woodbury so that he can turn her over to The Governor.

They arrive at a motel where Merle breaks into a car to hot wire it for the rest of the trip. Unfortunately, he sets off a car alarm or, as they are known in the zombie apocalypse, the dinner bell. Merle suddenly becomes the most careless human on the planet and doesn’t realize his mistake until he is neck deep in zombies. Miraculously, he gets the car moving and the unlikely pair head off to Woodbury.

The most unintentionally funny part of the show is Glenn shopping for a wedding ring, which involves scouring the prison yard for zombie fingers. A diamond is forever!

After more talking than we’ve gotten out of Michonne this whole season, Merle gives Michonne her sword back and lets her out on the side of the road. She runs into Daryl because hey, it’s a small world, and explains that Merle let her go. He then runs off after his brother.

Merle is drinking the world’s last bottle of brown liquor in his newly acquired car with the music blasting, presumably to attract zombies but maybe because he just really likes that song. He leads the zombies to Woodbury, Pied Piper-style. Merle does a barrel roll out of the car right in front of the gate and heads into one of Woodbury’s conveniently spooky barns. The guards hear the ruckus and go on a zombie shooting spree while Merle picks them off one by one (with a little help from the zombies). I find it so interesting that all of the zombies are dressed in somber greens and grays, as if nobody ever died in a fuchsia ball gown.

The Governor finds Merle in the spooky barn and kicks the crap out of him…and did he just bite off Merle’s fingers? Merle gets in a few good jabs and stabs in before The Governor shoots him in the chest. Goodbye, Merle.

Family meeting at the prison! Rick explains how The Governor offered to leave them alone in exchange for Michonne, and how he was going to do that to keep them safe. But, he conveniently changed his mind after he sent Michonne off with Merle so it’s probably too late but it’s not Rick’s fault because he’s sorry so don’t blame him, okay? Rick steps down as leader while he’s making a speech to the group, so take it with a grain of salt. Oh hey! Here’s Michonne! What great timing.

Over in Crazytown, Daryl finds a blood and guts buffet, including his zombie brother chomping on a carcass. Zombie Merle ambles towards his crying brother and receives a boatload of pent up anger in the form of stab wounds to the face. Goodbye, zombie Merle.

So, maybe next week we’ll get this whole war thing we’ve been hearing so much about? Sort of like last season when we were waiting for everyone to leave the farm for, like, seven episodes.

Image courtesy of amctv.com

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I have a few problems with this last episode of The Walking Dead. Like, how on earth are Rick and Carl back in their hometown?  They’ve been on the road for a year and, what? They just circled back? And they’re talking about Woodbury like it’s a foreign, unknown place when really it’s just four towns over. The prison must be in their backyard, too. Or did they take a majorly long road trip, leaving the rest of the crew (including Rick’s baby) back at a prison that is about to be invaded by a lunatic Governor?

And why was Carl just casually leaning against the window pane of the cafe with a few dozen hungry, chompy zombies dying (heh, dying) to get out? Those windows must be made of magic glass because not a single zombie smashed its hand through.

So, Morgan. He looked pretty neat and tidy for a crazy person holed up in an apartment with no running water or electricity. At what point during the zombie apocalypses do you stop ironing your button-down shirts and switch to something a bit more casual? Because for me, that happens at way less than the one-year mark.

Other than that, I thought it was a fine episode.

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Wow. Poor Man’s Jamie Lee Curtis really has some lousy luck with men, huh? Well goodbye, man whose name I never bothered to learn. You will be sorely missed around the prison yard.

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We pick up right where we left off last seasonish (technically this is the second half of Season 3, but I’m not buying it), with Merle ready to battle his brother Daryl. Blondie tries to save Daryl, but there’s no saving anyone from the Governor’s psychotic wrath. It’s going to be “Brother against brother, winner goes free. Fight, to the death.” Merle gets in an early sucker punch, and in come the walkers-on-sticks. But blood is thicker than…whatever it is running through zombie veins. Silly Putty? And the brothers team up to get the heck out of dodge, assisted by our old friends from the prison yard. It’s all a little clean, and a little neat, and a little too easy with the smoke screen and the pew pew pew guns. Blondie is conflicted—should I stay or should I go? If I go there will be trouble, but if I stay it will be double.

Rick has misgivings about taking Merle along, but for the moment they could use his help with the walkers so practicality wins the day. Best part is, they left a hole in the front gate of Paradise, so that town should be overrun with walkers any minute now.

The new people at the prison, remember them? They’re getting up to speed on the loss of Hershel’s leg and Li’l Asskicker. They claim to have been teamed up with a bunch of survivalists and stayed in a bunker until supplies ran out. Then, they went on the move, starting out with twenty-five and dwindling down to the four at the prison.

Rick, Glenn, Maggie, and Daryl are trying to sort out what to do with Merle and Michonne. Daryl lays down the law—no him, no me. The group has some major trust issues and nobody wants Merle or Michonne, so Daryl makes his choice. He walks away, unable to trade his brother for his new family. Rick breaks the news to Michonne that she’s only staying for as long as it takes to patch her up and send her packing.

The new prison people are out burying one of their own and spot Carl and Poor Man’s Jamie Lee Curtis on lookout. One of them considers taking out Carl and PMJLC and stealing their weapons, but Tyrese and Sasha get in the way. They want to be a part of the prison crew, and killing Carl and PMJLC is probably not the best way to win their trust.

On their way back to the prison, Glenn takes out a walker in a pickup truck with a gruesome foot-to-the-skull, rinse, repeat. He’s taking out his aggression on a walker because he’s pissed that they all went back to take out the Governor and get Daryl, and now Daryl’s gone and the Governor is still alive and, basically, everyone risked their lives for nothing. Rick reminds him that this is the hand they’ve been dealt, and Glenn says he’s done. That sounded a lot like a Ronnie and Sammi “I’m done,” so I think Glenn is going to stick around for at least one more season.

When they finally arrive at the prison, PMJLC realizes that Daryl is not with them. Rick explains that Daryl left with Merle, and this is the first time we’ve seen someone get dumped during the zombie apocalypse. While Rick was gone, Blondie Jr. was taking care of Li’l Asskicker. She seems to be vying for the role of the second Mrs. Grimes.

Back at Paradise, people are clamoring to get out. Blondie’s trying to convince them to stay because she knows how bad it is out there. Aaaand wakers inside of the gates. Blondie shoots ‘em dead. One of their own has been bitten, and the Governor just coldly walks up and shoots him in the head in front of the entire town.

Hershel diagnoses Michonne as having a concussion and needing sleep which conveniently buys her a few days and totally blows the “never sleep with a concussion” myth out of the water. Then the group decides to let the new people stay as reinforcements.

Wait, what? Rick says no. The group says yes, but Rick says no. This is like when CNN called Florida for Gore. Rick’s logic is that reinforcements haven’t worked out so well for them in the past, so no. Hershel takes Rick aside and tries to talk some sense into Rick, and it seems to be working until…is that Lori in a white dress? No! We’re done with her! No more Lori, I won’t have it. NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE, SO JUST GET OUT! Which is sort of what Rick yells at her, only he pulls out a gun and looks super crazy. Everyone is under the mistaken impression that Rick is telling the new people to leave, so Glenn shuffles them away from Rick and we see Glenn put his hand on his gun….and show’s over.

Tune in next week for more of the same, only with extra Merle.

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Yay! It’s finally here! After months and months of zombie-free television, The Walking Dead is back with a new season of rotting flesh and gnawing teeth. And the show wastes no time giving us our sweet, sweet zombie fix. The season opens with Ranger Rick, Asian Kid, Black Guy, and Redneck searching a house and killing zombies. Carl is in the house with them which is weird because Rule Number One of The Walking Dead is that Carl is never in the house.

Once the coast is clear, the rest of the stragglers toddle in with their meager supplies. Lori looks about eight months pregnant, and overall the group is worn out. Gone are the days of hot showers and close shaves during a zombie apocalypse. Now, they’re filthy and sweaty.  But within minutes of settling in, we see a trickle of zombies headed towards the house. The group silently springs into action like a well oiled machine, grabbing whatever supplies they can and piling into vehicles. It’s not safe here, and we get the impression that it’s no longer safe anywhere.

We learn that the group has been going in circles for months and may be surrounded. They eyeball a prison off in the distance, a perfect homestead with its barbed wire and fences. But, the prison yard is overrun by zombies. As usual, Ranger Rick has a plan. Bing, bang, zoom, the group works its way inside of the prison gates and picks off the zombies one by one. Everyone is enjoying the shooting practice just a little too much, and the idea that these were once humans is now long gone.

The women are ecstatic. “We haven’t had this much space since we left the farm!” Hershel even starts making plans for a new farm since the old one worked out so well. I suppose you know for sure that your life has gone to crap when you’re happy to be on the inside of a prison. Ranger Rick, however, is not satisfied with just a prison yard. He wants inside, and tells the group that tomorrow they need to push hard and get to the supplies and armory. Even Redneck looks nervous at the idea of entering a zombie-infested prison.

But like dutiful little soldiers, the group agrees to Ranger Rick’s plan and the very next day, the better half go in and starts slicing up the zombies. But whoops! The prison guards became zombified while wearing riot gear, which proves harder to kill because, yeah, body armor. Maggie figures out how to grab their helmets and lift them up just enough to stab the walkers in their necks, which I applaud because I can’t even squish a spider without doing a dance and yelling “Eww! Eww! Eww!” And, in a moment of spectacular realism, once the helmets come off, so does some of the skin.

They eventually secures another prison yard. Little by little, the survivors are taking over the prison. Next, they head inside. Have you ever taken the nighttime tour of Alcatraz? This is a lot like that, only there’s no self-guided tour headphones and it doesn’t end in a gift shop. Ranger Rick quickly finds a set of keys that magically open exactly the doors they are trying to enter because, in the end, this is television. Everyone picks off the few remaining zombies, clears out the bodies, and makes the cell block their new home. We see tension between Lori and Ranger Rick, Asian Kid and Maggie set up a little love shack in a prison cell, but I don’t even care about any of the annoying drama because PRISON ZOMBIES!!! See? Was that so hard? All you had to do last season was give me my zombies and I would’ve been happy.

Zombie Trivia: What has no arms, a leash, and is hungry for braaaaaiiinnz? Why, it’s the latest fad in zombie apocalypse house pets! And you can make your own by following these simple steps. First, capture a zombie (careful, they bite!). Then, chop off both of its arms, gag its mouth, chain it to the wall, and it will entertain you for hours with its adorable rotting and gurgling. So you see, it’s perfectly normal for Crazy Zombie Lady to keep zombies as pets. Nothing wrong with that at all. Heh. Nope. Not at all. Besides, Crazy Zombie Lady’s sadistic side is balanced out by her compassion for Blondie. Last season, she saved Blondie’s life. Now, Blondie is sick and unable to keep up with the frantic pace of zombie killing. So Crazy Zombie Lady scrounges up some aspirin from a local pharmacy and is hiding out with Blondie in an abandoned warehouse. She tells Blondie that they need to move soon because “they’re coming.” Blondie coughs and wheezes, but eventually pulls herself together. We see Crazy Zombie Lady taking her pets out for a walk, with Blondie trailing behind. Aww. They make a cute family.

Meanwhile, back at Zombie State Correctional Facility, the group scavenges weapons from dead guards while Lori grouses about the fate of her unborn child. She is concerned that the baby is dead because she no longer feels it moving. And if the baby is dead, that makes it a zombie. She’s also worried about dying during childbirth, because nobody ever gave birth ever without a hospital and epidural. Dying during childbirth would turn Lori into a zombie so poor Lori with all of these extra burdens. Shut up, Lori! You’re totally ruining an otherwise excellent episode.

Ranger Rick, Hershel, Maggie, Asian Kid, Redneck, and Black Guy wander deeper inside of the jail until they are in complete darkness. Their way is lit only by flashlights, which is not going to work so well once they have to use their hands to slice and dice zombies. And right on cue, walkers! The group tries to run back the way that they came, but another group of zombies cuts them off. They get separated, with Asian Kid and Maggie locking themselves in a cell for safety. Ranger Rick, Hershel, Redneck and Black Guy go back to rescue them, but just as Maggie and Asian Kid emerge, Hershel gets bitten by a zombie. Yes!!! Finally, he’s gonna die! I would’ve preferred Lori, but still, I am thankful for small mercies. Wait, what? Why are they carrying Hershel off with zombies on their tail? He’s as good as dead, leave him! You’ve all left better men behind. Sigh.

The group barricades themselves in the prison mess hall and tends to Hershell’s wound. Ranger Rick takes off his belt to make a tourniquet and then, in the most vile scene of the entire show, chops off Hershel’s leg with a hatchet. I would like to say that he did it in one fell swoop, but no. It took quite a bit of whacking to separate one slab of meat from the other. Wow. That was brutal. We don’t know if Hershel is dead, alive, or otherwise. But even if he survives, what chance does an elderly one legged man have in a world overrun by zombies?

Oh, also? There are other humans living in the prison.

So. It looks like we have a show on our hands. The Walking Dead has more than made up for last season’s snoozer. I look forward to next week, where the group will be forced to merge with the prison’s current occupants, and Blondie and Crazy Zombie Lady will surely become embroiled in wacky hijinks.

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