Okay, Amber. Dance for us. I’m not loving this, it looks like she’s saving her energy for later on in the show. Also, those pants are hideous! Either go full fringe or no fringe at all is the general rule of thumb, right? Once she finishes, the host sends Amber, Derek, and the backup dancers to the dressing room to change for a “fusion dance,” which apparently they only had twenty-four hours to prepare. So…it’s time for more filler, which means it’s time for me to fast-forward.

Oh my gawd. It’s already forty minutes into this show and we’ve only seen one relevant dance and I’m not even sure it counts towards any score. Get on with it, people! Okay, fine. I’ll watch Bill Nye’s body double do cartwheels in the meantime, but then we need to get back to the competition. Well sure, I’ll also watch Valerie Harper dance really, really poorly again. And no, I’m not crying at all. Allergies. I’m allergic to onions. Aaaaand, quick cut to Snooki who is bouncing around like…a cheerleader on prom night? I don’t know.

Finally! Corbin and Karina dance a Foxtrot/Cha Cha combo. He’s so darned dancey! And there goes his shirt. His abs dance better than all of the other contestants combined. I don’t understand how he does these totally over-the-top, cheesy dance moves yet still looks cool. Len says Corbin messed up his Cha Cha, Bruno talks about the way Corbin glides across the floor, and Carrie Ann can’t believe everyone is still dancing. Corbin receives a total of 27 points.

Jack and Cheryl are next with a Paso Salsa Fusion Martini Blend. This is not going to be enough to win. It’s hectic and pedantic and sloppy. The judges note that he climbed a mountain of dance to get there, and give him an astounding 27 points.

Well I guess Amber really was saving something for later because she’s dancing a Samba/Quickstep with Derek with full fringe! It’s bouncy and jumpy and her steps vary between long and smooth and tiny and frenetic and I’m pretty sure that was really, really good. Did Len just call her a sausage? Whatever. She gets a perfect score of 30 points.

Emotional montage where the “stars” tell the dancers how much they love them blah blah blah, just tell me who wins! Third place goes to Jack and Cheryl. Good for them. Jack seems like a really good egg. And the disco ball goes to Amber and Derek! Whoo hoo! That’s awesome. She deserves it. Aaaaand click. Twelve episodes, two hours each, sigh. That’s a full day of my life I will never get back.

The new season starts in March, so mark your calendars, start your countdowns, and shine up your dancing shoes. Until then, thanks for reading along.

 

Speaking of Bill, he’s dancing the Viennese Waltz to a schmaltzy Billy Joel song. It’s the most elegant he has ever been, but I’m not sure that’s saying very much at all. His arms look awkward, like he doesn’t know what to do with them so he just keeps making swinging motions. The judges criticize his timing and his adamant refusal to improve and give him a total of 24 points.

Corbin is next up with the quickstep. What is there to say about Corbin’s dancing except he’s a delight to watch even if the quickstep is a stupid, silly little dance. Something about his arm getting a bit straight earns boos from the audience and he went out of sync for a moment and no improvement over last week for a total of 27 points.

Jack dances the jive and he looks perfectly ridiculous. Kicking, grabbing his suspenders, swinging, stepping, it’s pretty good if you like that kind of thing. The judges, however, don’t like it as much as the last time he did this dance (which is maybe why I was déjà vuing a bit) for a total of 24 points.

It’s Amber’s turn to dance the Charleston. Again with the flappy stringy skirts, always a big hit. It’s a strange mash-up dance, part Charleston, part…what is this? It’s like someone drew a cartoon of Amber and Derek dancing, I didn’t know knees and elbows bent in that direction, it’s actually quite incredible. The judges call it the most improved, a power surge, a perfect score of 30 points.

Now what are they doing? A samba relay? Sure, why not. And while we’re at it, let’s have a performance from TLC…isn’t one of them no longer a member of the living? Anyway, Jack shakes and shimmies a samba while two of the three former members of TLC and one complete stranger lip sync a song, Bill is absolutely awful and painful to watch, and Corbin lost his shirt and makes this look so easy, and Amber is her usual spectacular self. Bill gets 2 points, Jack gets 3 points, Amber has four points, and Corbin receives 5 points.

Ooh! Now they have to dance freestyle! I don’t really know what that means, but it’s sure to be a cheesy mess. Yippee, Bill is the first to dance and he’s going with an Indiana Jones theme which means he gets to stomp around a lot and not do much in the way of dancing. Oh no. No, no, no. Put your shirt back on, Bill.  His performance receives 25 points.

It’s Corbin’s turn to freestyle, and he goes with Michael Jackson and a host of backup dancers. I don’t know. I’m not loving this, it’s just not very exciting despite the acrobatics. I guess maybe only Michael Jackson can do Michael Jackson. The judges completely disagree with me for a perfect score of 30 points.

Jack does a top hat and tails routine that is very Old Hollywood and charming. The judges are going to love it. Do they love it? Tens all around for a perfect score of 30 points.

Amber just totally kills it with her freestyle routine, outshining every last backup dancer and looking slick and bold and filled with star power. Yup. A perfect score of 30 points.

Now for the good stuff. Who is out and who is in tomorrow night’s finals? Amber and Derek and Corbin and Karina are in, so it’s between Jack and Cheryl and Bill and Emma for elimination. Oh come on, just get rid of Bill already. Yes! Bill and Emma are eliminated and Jack and Cheryl will be dancing in the finals. Justice, folks. Justice. And I still have no idea who this Bill guy is, anyway.

Tomorrow night, it’s finally the final episode where a king and queen will be crowned, or something like that.

Amber and her knee braces will be dancing the quickstep with her partner, Derek. Someone followed my advice about sparkle fringe, because we’ve got an entire Cousin It happening here. Bounce, bounce, twirl, kick kick kick, cartwheel (not Amber’s), and ta-da! Dull but respectable. The old guy thought Amber was loose in her top line and I don’t know what that means but it sounds a tad dirty. Everyone agrees, and Amber receives a disappointing 24 points.

Leah and Tony are dancing the tango. Well she looks lovely in a red lace dress, but this dance is kind of crappy. They look like me dancing around the livingroom with my cat. I think the words I’m looking for are “completely ordinary.” Bruno calls it a “badass proper tango,” so maybe I’m just expecting too much from a tango. The judges give her a baffling 27 points.

Corbin and Korina tackle the waltz. He is unusually clumsy-looking with a few misplaced feet, and if I can see that, then the judges sure as heck can as well. Carrie Ann calls it dreamy, and then notes two mistakes. Everyone else gushes for a total of 28 points.

Jack and Cheryl dance the Viennese waltz, smoke machines and all. It’s light and fluttery and quite lovely despite the smattering of shmaltz. The judges have very little criticism, maybe something about his arms, but otherwise it’s love love love. Apparently ballroom is his thing? Who knew! The judges give Jack a total score of 29 points.

Bill and Emma are dancing the Charleston. Cheesy, expected, and poor Emma is working really hard to make Bill look good, to limited success. Bruno notes his lousy timing, Carrie Ann is disappointed, and Len says there was no swivel and it was wooden, which in this case is not a good thing.  The judges give Bill a pitiful 21 points.

Elizabeth and Val say they are dancing the Viennese waltz, but it looks more like contemporary to me! Mime in a mirror, reaching for the last can of beans, minor heart attack, posing for wedding photos. Carrie Ann calls the choreography subtle so I guess the hammer missed her head. It wasn’t Len’s cup of tea (thank you, old man), and Bruno noted the contemporary touches (I’m getting good at this…someone shoot me, please) for a total score of 26 points.

It’s the “trio dance round,” where the “stars” dance with a third. So it’s like a threesome with clothes and choreography? Okay.

Amber dances salsa with two guys, and it works for her because she is clearly a star and I am actively avoiding mentioning that it takes two men to lift her but it does, so moving on! This is so her dance, fast and hip-shakingly sexy and the judges give her a total of 27 points.

Leah and her two men attempt something that looks like a…I don’t know. What am I looking at? Oh! It’s a Charleston, right? She’s good, I guess. The crowd goes wild, the judges clap, and it’s a total score of 27 points.

Corbin dances jazz with two ladies and it’s probably his best dance yet (and not just because he lacks a shirt). He’s a Broadway dancer, so this is his thing and he does it very, very well. Just give him thirty points already. Yup, a total of 30 points, though I think Carrie Ann tried to give him more.

Jack dances the samba to some kind of jungle theme. It’s over-the-top and fun and it’s safe to assume his ass has never shaken like that before for a total of 25 points.

Bill is attempting to salsa dressed as Willie Wonka, but I’m not sure this is much more than Bill standing there while two women dance around him.  Finger guns, hand rolls, his usual cheese for a total score of 21 points.

Elizabeth also dances the salsa with two shirtless men, so thank you for that, Elizabeth. She always looks slightly awkward to me because she’s so limby and they whip around so fast, like an arm might fly off at any moment. Anyway, she gets a perfect score of 30 points.

Okay, let’s get to the elimination. It’s between Elizabeth and Val and Bill and Emma. Just get rid of Bill already, please. But no, Elizabeth and Val who had the second-highest score of the night and overall high scores throughout the competition are eliminated because…why? Because Nomi Malone cannot catch a break.

Next week, it’s the semifinals.

Reprinted from BiteSizeWellness.com

 

Corbin and Karina are dancing the Argentine tango. He’s just so smooth with his long legs and spinning ability. And that’s some lift—what the heck is going on there, she’s dancing on his thigh? I’m impressed. Really. That’s got to be tens all around. Stupid Bruno noticed a few flaws that I had no idea were even a thing, but Cher saw a movie about the tango so she was blown away. Straight nines for a total score of 27 points.

 

Leah and Tony are dancing the Viennese Waltz to I Got You Babe which is totally blatant sucking up. Leah looks lovely, but the dance doesn’t really look technically difficult and the ending was a little “wipe the floor with your partner and awkwardly stand up afterwards.” Cher was enthralled, something about a coffee shop, and a total score of 25 points.

 

Well it appears that everybody is dancing to Cher songs because Brant and Peta are dancing the foxtrot to The Shoop Shoop Song (It’s In His Kiss). I’m sorry, but I just can’t get past the peach costumes. That color looks horrible, and it blends with the floor, and they’re being so hammy, and I guess it was okay? Cher likes their smiles, Carrie Ann thinks Brant’s knees don’t look good on him for a total score of 27 points.

 

Ooh! Elizabeth and Val are performing a jazz routine! This should be hilariously awful.  She’s in a lace unitard so we’re already off to a good start. It’s like jazzercise at a hair metal concert with lifts, splits, intense running and grabbing at the throat, fake fighting, reaching for the sky, and finale! Cher is confused, but she enjoyed the rough part of it and something that had to be bleeped because we’re on network television. Elizabeth and Val receive a total score of 25 points.

 

Disco? That’s an option? Bill and Emma think so, and it looks like an Abba parody. Wow. Awful. Lots of finger pointing and spinning and literally walking away when the song says “walk away,” and…ugh. They receive straight eights for a total score of 24 points.

 

Jack and Cheryl are dancing the tango to The Beat Goes On. It’s good. No really, Jack’s really good. He looks elegant and suave. Poor Ozzy is in the audience clapping up a storm to nothing in particular. The judges agree and give Jack a total of 27 points.

 

Amber and Derek dance the rumba to If I could Turn Back Time, and Derek’s shirt is immediately lost, which, okay. That’s a good thing. Amber’s doing a lot of strutting, but not a lot of her usual strong dancing. It seems to be over before the dance even got going, and I’m not sure how the judges are going to react. Well Cher loves it of course because Amber brings the sexiness and Derek is half naked. Bruno also loves it because Amber sold it and he bought it, but Carrie Ann didn’t think it was her best dance. Thank you, Carrie Ann. The total score is 28 points, and since they have the top score, they don’t have to be in the dance off.

 

Someone stuck an ostrich on top of Cher’s head, decorated her with lampshade tassels, and made her stand on a tree stump mouthing words to a song. So that was weird.

Corbin and Korina decide to dance off against Val and Elizabeth, and Elizabeth chooses the Cha Cha. This is stupid, since everyone has their dances well-prepared. I preferred the freeform dance off, where glorious accidents happen. Damn, Corbin is good, and his partner is even better. Elizabeth looked like Elaine Benes in comparison. Corbin and Korina win the extra three points. Oh my gosh, did the host just tell them to head over to “the glitter pit”?

 

Brand and Peta decide to dance off against Leah and Tony. Leah chooses rumba. Brant and Peta are their typically proficient selves. Leah and Tony look great, but only because Leah is wearing sparkle fringe and every woman dances 36% better when she’s whipping around her sparkle fringe. Leah and Tony win the extra three points.

 

Finally, Jack and Cheryl are dancing off against Bill and Emma, and are stuck dancing disco style. There’s no way not to make this look silly, so Jack goes all out. But he almost drops his partner, and there’s a totally awkward spin at the end, so I don’t know. Bill and Emma get to disco dance again, and Bill saved his worst moves for the end. He looks like a thirteen-year-old at a bar mitzvah. And he actually drops his partner, so there’s that. Jack and Cheryl win the extra three points.

Somehow Bill and Emma are safe from elimination, as are Elizabeth and Val, Corbin and Korina, and Leah and Tony. So it’s between Jack and Cheryl and Brant and Peta. And it’s Brant and Peta going home. Aww. I never actually figured out what he did to get on this show. Goodbye, Brant Something-Or-Other.

Reprinted from BiteSizeWellness.com

Brant and Peta dance and over-the-top jive and Peta looks like a professional dancer, albeit an absurdly dressed one. Apparently he lost time somewhere along the way and the routine was a little challenging for him, but he still earns a total of 27 points.

Leah and Tony are dancing salsa, and they both look like they are wearing Sexy Salsa Dancer Halloween costumes. There are a couple of awkward flip that Leah barely lands, and it’s really not her best performance. The judges liked it a lot better than I did with a pair of nines and an eight for a total of 26 points.

So let’s see what Jack and Cheryl can do with the jive. It’s like a hillbilly version of the traditional 1950s schtick, so that’s refreshing. And Jack looks almost relaxed and nearly nimble. You know what it is about him? He’s got thick thighs. That’s not normally a hot look on a guy, and can’t possibly be conducive to dancing. Their performance was fun and flighty, and other than some criticism about not having crispy feet, the judges enjoyed it for a total score of 27 points.

Amber and Derek are dancing the paso doble. It’s fast and furious and fierce and a lesson in how to wear matador and flamenco costumes without looking like you work in Epcot Center’s Spanish restaurant. I don’t know, did the pace die down toward the end? It seemed to finish with a fizzle instead of a kaboom. The judges think the performance had depth and nuance for a total score of 29 points.

It’s time for Most Improved Dancer Bill and his partner Emma. They are dancing the quickstep to some Elvis, for true Vegas cheeseballing. Well, this is sort of painful to watch. They’re just sort of skipping around the stage, boring me to tears. It’s a dance, not an aerobics workout. Do something! Anything! Ah, whatever. The judges aren’t impressed for a total of 23 points.

Bring me Snooki! She’s dancing the samba with Sasha. Snooki and Sasha samba. She looks a little flat and not fun this week, plopping around the dance floor. The judges thought it took her a while to get into the samba groove but give her straight nines for a total of 27 points. I really don’t know where that score comes from, but whatever.

Finally, Corbin and Korina dance the Cha-Cha-Cha, complete with fake rain and a costume made out of Big Bird’s carcass. Oh he’s good. Corbin somehow makes yellow suspenders and a dance better suited for a Valtrex commercial look sexy. It’s so good that it earns Corbin a total of 29 points (turns out Len doesn’t like gyrating—who knew?).

The contestants are split into two teams for a dance off. One team calls themselves Spooky Bom Bom and overuse a smoke machine and zombie makeup. This is stupid. Snooki’s bouncing around like a dead hamster, Elizabeth is the peppiest corpse in the world, Leah….ugh. She’s tired. And Bill resorts to some Saturday Night Fever pointing. Their grand finale involves flinging Snooki in the air, but unfortunately they decide to catch her, too.  The judges loved it and give the team a total of 27 points.

The other team calls themselves Sad Cat Ladies and dress up as Meowser Fluffypaws. So far I’m embarrassed for everyone. Amber’s dancing was mild for Amber, Brant and Peta are playing a strange game called Cat Trapped In A Smoke Machine, Corbin somehow kills it and I can’t even explain what he’s doing to his partner because there are no words, Jack seems very comfortable dressed as a furry, and I just don’t even know anymore. But it was good, I think. The judges call it clever and inventive and agrees that Corbin totally killed it for a perfect score of 30 points.

Anyway, to the losers. Between Bill and Snooki, our little bundle of New Jersey fun is eliminated from the show. Aww. She’s crying. And so is her agent, because where do you go from Dancing With The Stars now that Celebrity Rehab has been cancelled?

Next week, her highness Cher!

Reprinted from BiteSizeWellness.com

Leah dances the quickstep with Tony. It is both quick and steppy as she flies across the floor, landing on the judging table.  Len tells us there are rules to the quickstep involving ten seconds in the beginning, ten seconds in the end, and the rest of the time your feet must be a blur. Well rules are no fun, Len. She gets straight nines for a total of 27 points.

Brant and Peta dance the tango. As usual, they look great. But this particular bit of choreography was a bit of a snore, and he seemed to want to drop her on her head during the final dip, so who knows. “No gimmicks, none of this messing about,” Len loved it, and Bruno noticed a couple of stumbles but otherwise thought it was his best performance for a total score of 28 points.

Amber and Derek dance the samba, and it’s fast and swirly with gratuitous arm extensions and it is just fabulous! That girl can dance! Wow. Len is harsh. He maybe thinks the choreography was “a tad repetitive,” but Bruno and Carrie Ann are all, “what are you talking about old man?” Boos abound, and Amber receives two tens and an eight, for a total score of 28 points.

Jack and Cheryl dance the paso doble, and he’s in a full matador outfit. He looks awkward and afraid, but he executes his moves with precision. Carrie Ann calls his performance one-dimensional, and Bruno thinks he was chasing the music for a total of 25 points.

Snooki and Sasha dance the foxtrot. Wow. This is probably the klassiest she’s ever looked. Get rid of that Kool-Aid hair dye and drunken-night-on-the-boardwalk tattoos and she could pass as a lady! The judges are impressed, for a total score of 27 points.

Corbin and Korina dance the Viennese waltz to the opening credits of Game Of Thrones which is just weird. That’s like dancing the tango to the theme song from Friends. Maybe he’s auditioning for a part on the show? Ooh, did she fall a little bit? I think she did. The judges are not thrilled, and only give Corbin a total of 23 points.

Well here’s something new, the Switch Up Challenge. Four couples will dance on the floor simultaneously, and the music will keep changing. Awesome. This is like the worst improv class ever.

The first group Snooki, Corbin, Bill, and Jack. Ready…dance! I SAID DANCE!!! Bill’s shirt immediately comes off, Jack fails Breakdancing 101, Corbin’s doing a bunny hop, Snooki is being spun around surprisingly not by her hair, and Bill is out. A lot of sexy shimmying is happening, Corbin’s on the floor, and Jack is out. Snooki is out with her Random Charleston, and the winner is Corbin.

The second group is Brant, Leah, Amber, and Elizabeth. Elizabeth goes straight for her stripper moves, Leah is doing a serviceable Cha-Cha, Amber is being spun around so fast she nearly kicks Brant in the face, and Leah is out. There are wild gyrations everywhere, with Elizabeth out. Amber is doing a tired jive and Brant is trying not to step on his partner’s face, and Amber is the winner.

It’s time for the results. The safe couples are Elizabeth and Val, Amber and Derek, Brant and Peta, Leah and Tony, Corbin and Karina, and Snooki and Sasha. So who goes home? Jack or Bill? Neither, they’re both safe. There was a technical problem at the end of the last show with the wrong phone numbers blah blah blah, nobody goes home. Great. So what, we get another week of this? Sigh.

Reprinted from BiteSizeWellness.com

Christina and Mark are dancing a very functional Cha-Cha-Cha. Oh look! She’s got a tramp stamp. Big shocker. The whole thing was very monotone, but she didn’t miss a step. It causes Bruno to rise up out of his seat and swivel what I think might be his hips, so I guess the judges liked it. Wow, the old guy gives her a ten and the other two toss out nines, for a total score of [does the math] 28 points.

Jack and Cheryl are dancing the waltz and his moves are much smoother this week as he drags his partner awkwardly across the floor by her thigh. Aww look, his wife is in the audience. She must be a very patient woman because have you seen that mother-in-law? Anyway, the judges are happy with Jack’s performance, with the pretty lady praising the quality of his performance for a total score of 27 points.

Leah and Tony are dancing “contemporary!” Yes!!! Complete with marionette strings and a tear-away outfit! Literal boxing arms, mop the floor, hands on stove, kicking bird, whoa, I have no words for that lifting move but I think Leah is wearing too much clothes to accomplish it successfully. Well that was perfectly awful in so many ways. The judges agree, and whallop her with a meager 22 points.

Corbin and Karina dance the foxtrot and are piles of elegance except for that fake smile plastered on their faces. Stop smiling! That looks exhausting! The old guy appreciates the dance, and Bruno calls Corbin the love child of Fred Astaire and Ben Vereen which he claims is a compliment. Then, the two pretty ladies get into a dispute about lifts and whether toes left the ground. With Bruno’s 10, there’s a total score of 28 points.

Bill and Emma dance the Viennese waltz to a schmaltzy Billy Joel song. He’s really trying, but he’s not a dancer so poor Emma has to choreograph around his deficiencies. But that was nice, and the judges give them a total of 24 points.

Oh joy, Snooki and Sasha are dancing “Jazz” to Britney Spears’ Work Bitch, which is perhaps the most depressing song ever. It’s bouncy and spinny and Snooki spends more time off of the floor than on, so that’s something new for her. I would call this performance technically questionable but fun. Well the judges loved it and give it a total of 27 points.

Next up are Brent and Peta dancing…contemporary! Whoo! Sadness, spinning, hands-for-feet, double matador, flipper kicks, putting pants on, hate the ground, Master Blaster, run to the light Carol Anne. Blah blah blah, 27 points.

Amber and Derek dance the foxtrot and as usual, she’s just the best. She’s got a combination of grace and grrrrooowl that makes for a killer performance. Bruno calls it sensational, but the old guy didn’t like it because the dance wasn’t so much of a foxtrot. Whatever, old guy. His 7 is cancelled out by Bruno’s 10 and earns a total score of 26 points.

Ugh, Nomi Malone dragged Mario Lopez out for an appearance. Then she dancing a jive inspired by Saved By The Bell to remind everyone that she’s not just Nomi Malone but is also Jessie Spano. Reach for the stars, Elizabeth. Oh boy. This is awful. I’m embarrassed for the both of them. It’s just so cheesy that it’s painful to watch. Sounds like the judges liked it for a total score of 26 points.

Corbin and Korina, Amber and Derek, Bill and Emma, Jack and Cheryl, Brant and Peta, Snooki and Sasha, and Elizabeth and Val are safe from elimination. So it’s between Christina and Mark and Leah and Tony, and after a Very. Long. Pause. Christina and Mark are eliminated. That receives a chorus of boos from the studio audience, but whatever, studio audience. You don’t matter.

Let’s get right into it. Jack Osbourne is dancing the quickstep, which is sort of hilarious because he is neither quick nor step. Well okay, Jack finally got a bit of spring in his step. He’s still stiff and awkward, but at least he’s bouncy, stiff, and awkward.  And oh joy, we just learned that Jack’s partner, Cheryl, is menstruating. Apparently the judges failed to factor this very important information into their scores because the pair received a total score of 24 points.

Following a practice session that involved looking deeply and longingly into each others’ eyes, Elizabeth and Val are dancing the Argentine tango. There are some weird moves going on that I know are supposed to be sexy, but Elizabeth is nothing of the sort. She’s sort of just a fuzzy bunny dressed up as a street walker for a very serious one-woman show called “Thumper: A Real Life Streethopper.” Of course the judges are seeing something completely different because the performance earns a score of 27 points.

Brant and Peta are dancing the salsa, and all I see is that scene from Beetlejuice. Oh, and Brant rips his shirt off which I’m not complaining about at all. Yeah I don’t know. I sort of fogged out when the shirt came off. Wait, what? Carrie Ann is complaining about the shirtless thing? Shut up, Carrie Ann! Guest Judge Julianne Huff also needs to shut up because there’s a handsome shirtless man standing right there! Anyway, the stupid judges give them a total score of 21 points.

Valerie and Tristan are dancing the Viennese Waltz, and she’s doing a fair job if it, only forgetting half of her steps. The judges give her straight sixes for a total score of 26 points.

Leah and Tony attempt the Cha-Cha-Cha to moderate success. Her costume is sort of freaking me out, the nudish colored legs have sparkly fringe all of them, like a Care Bear Disco Edition in need of a wax. The strange little man loved Leah’s attitude but something about stretching and sharpness…and it’s a triplet of eights for a total of 24 points.

Corbin and Karina dance the paso doble, and it looks pretty perfect from this total no-nothing’s point of view. And bonus points for the loss of Corbin’s shirt. There’s a lot of gushing from the judges, with only minor, teeny tiny criticism about Corbin’s form (which is looking fine, IMHO). It’s nines all around for a total of 27 points.

It’s Snooki Time! She’s dancing the jive with Sasha to Tony Basil’s classic Hey Mickey. It looks stupid, but that’s what this is about, right? Plus, bonus backflips! The judges give Snooki and Sasha a ridiculously high 24 points.

Next up are Christina and Mark dancing the foxtrot. You know what we need more of? “Contemporary” dances. But this is nice, too. She’s a pretty good dancer, but it’s not going to matter since she has no fan base. But let’s go through the motions, shall we? Eights from everybody, for a total of 24 points.

An injured Amber and her partner Derek dance the tango. Even injured she’s got better moves than most of the other contestants, in heels no less. You know what? I think the male contestants should have to dance in heels. Sort of even out the playing field. Anyway, tango, tango, tango, spinning, dipping, boom. 27 points.

Oh man, Bill dropped Emma on her head during rehearsals. Awkward! They’re dancing the samba and he’s shaking and hip thrusting and he’s a heck of a lot better than in past weeks, but it still hurts my eyes to watch him dance. The judges are going to eat this up though, just watch. Yup. 21 points. That’s enough to get him through to next week when combined with the votes from I-don’t-know-who. Seriously, who is voting for this guy? Unless it’s done sadistically to force him to continue dancing, in which case, bravo!

Elizabeth and Val, Leah and Tony, Corbin and Karina, Amber and Derek, and Jack and Cheryl, and Christina and Mark are also returning to dance again next week. So are Snooki and Sasha. So it’s between Brant and Peta and Valerie and Tristan, and Valerie and Tristan are eliminated. Aww. She’s an inspiration, but also a really bad dancer.

First up are Leah and Tony dancing the rumba to a schmaltzy song I don’t recognize. She’s looking seriously intense and way into her character. Their ending was a little weird, rolling around on the floor in an unflattering and unsexy way, but Len loves the chemistry, that creepy Bruno guy is enjoying Leah’s sexy face, and the nice Carrie Ann disagrees about arms, for a score of 24 points.

Corbin and Karina dance the quickstep, which is exactly what it sounds like. Legs are flying, they’re both doing leapy leaps and toe tappy kicking moves, and there are even a few sliding shuffle things. I’m pretty sure that was very good, but let’s hear what the judges think. They loved it, except for the old guy who found it too hectic. Boo, old guy. A whopping 26 points.

Elizabeth and Val dance the foxtrot in old timey outfits. Her footwork looks sloppy, but then again I know nothing about dancing. Somehow she ended up being dragged around the floor, which maybe wasn’t very intentional? The pretty lady loved it except for “a boo boo in the middle,” the old guy calls it “chicken soup to the eyes,” and Bruno spits on Carrie Ann, for a score of 25 points.

It’s a quickstep from Brant and Peta, but he’s got a sprained ligament so, yeah. Maybe it was a bad choice. Well they look great, if that counts for anything. And they’re moving really, really fast so I guess it’s going well. The judges are bonkers for this performance, giving it a score of 27 points.

Valerie and Tristan attempt a Cha-Cha to Freddie Mercury. Rock on, Valerie. You’re a really lousy dancer, but you are also a nifty lady. The judges compliment her looks and give her a miserable 16 points.

Bill and Emma dance a western rodeo paso doble, which I’ve totally been spelling wrong, I think. It’s strange and awkward and looks like an extremely low budget foreign film. Bill and Emma seem pretty excited about it, and the judges are right there with them. It was a silly dance, but they got it right and the judges give them 24 points.

Amber is having a long week recording music, shooting Glee, and dancing the Charleston. She gets in some practice between yawns and is ready to dance with Derek. As usual, she’s an amazing showman. The crowd loves it, and so do the judges. The old guy talks about razzle and dazzle, Bruno criticizes her scissor action (shuddup), and Carrie Ann says her bottom half wasn’t as banging as her top half, for a total of 24 points.

Jack and Cheryl are pimpin’ and hoein’…with the Cha-Cha. Eew. This is not something that is fun to watch. He’s just so stiff and joyless when he dances. And was that supposed to be a split? Because that wasn’t even a bent knee let alone a split, and it might’ve hurt in a very delicate spot. Bruno loved the opening and something about passion, or no passion, I can’t really understand him. The pretty lady enjoyed it less than I did, and the old guy finds their dancing lacking, for a total of 22 points.

Christina is dancing the Charleston with a creepy clown because everybody loves clowns who grope scantily clad women. Carrie Ann calls it incredible, the old guy criticizes her swivel action (shush, you), and the creepy guy who is not in clown face gushed over the performance, for a score of 26 points.

It’s time for Snooki and Sasha. She’s dressed up as Marilyn Monroe and looks a lot better when she doesn’t talk. I have no idea what they’re dancing, something vaguely ballroomish, and it’s meh. She kind of just looks like she’s being led around the stage…and then she does some bizarre hand-holding cartwheel and lands on the floor but in a good way. That’s got to impress the judges, right? Right. They give her a total score of 25 points.

Well the doctors patched up Bill Nye and he’s ready to dance a jazz routine to Daft Punk, and he’s wearing a spaceman costume that immobilizes his knee. So this is going to be good. And by good, I mean exceptionally, embarrassingly horrible. Was the helmet necessary? Probably. You know what? This almost works. He’s robot dancing, and she’s…I don’t know, but she looks great. And they’re having fun, so robot on you crazy science nerd! Bruno was entertained, Carrie Ann is impressed and wants to see more content once he is healed, and the old guy finds it gutsy, for a total of 16 points.

It’s time to vote someone off of the show. With plenty of tense music, Brant, Christina, and Bill Nye are all in jeopardy. Which is odd because Brant and Christina danced their asses off. Brant and Peta are safe, so now it’s between Christina and Mark and Bill and Tyne. Since I have no idea who Christina is, I can’t second-guess the viewers who have nothing better to do than vote for a person dancing on the dummy box. So…Bill Nye is eliminated. That’s a shame, he’s a good egg. And a lousy dancer.

Photos: ontheredcarpet.com

Reprinted from bitesizewellness.com