Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

Ryan Lochte’s pretend British girlfriend, Jaimee, turns out to be real when she turns up on his doorstep in Florida. It’s her first time there, and you can tell that she is disappointed. You see, ladies like homes with decorations, and color. But those luxuries are not on the list of four things Ryan Lochte needs in a home:

1. Couch
2. Television
3. Refrigerator (full)
4. Bed

To make Jaimee feel extra special, Ryan takes her to the very same sushi restaurant he takes all of his dates. I get the impression that Jaimee doesn’t understand that Ryan is a moron because of the accent and distance, but that she will become fully informed upon the airing of this docudrama.

It takes Ryan four or five hours to shave because he has to shave everything using gold plated razors. This leaves little time for fashion, which probably explains his sneakers. They are neon yellow with orange, blue, green, and red flowers, and the tongue of the sneaker is a stuffed teddy bear with a green snout and arms flailing off to the sides. Why? Why do these exist? And how is it that a grown man decided to put them on his feet?

Editor’s note: they are far worse than we anticipated. (via)

Ryan Lochte had some words of wisdom for the Lochterage, but he forgot what they were and spoke these words of folly instead:

• If you wanna become the best, you gotta train better than the best.
• Man, no one else can shave with a gold plated razor, and I am. Jeah! Jeah!
• The craziest thing I’ve been asked to sign is somebody’s French fry.
• Who has sex and doesn’t have a smile afterwards? I don’t know who.
• We’re in the 20^th Century, like, things change.

There’s this thing that happens in Orlando every month, and it’s called a Grand Prix. It’s a tune-up swim meet to get racers’ bodies and minds into racing mode, and also a way to show off to your fellow Olympians. Ryan drives to the Grand Prix with Jaimee and his entire family. Although he has a lot on his plate, including an imaginary girlfriend, it doesn’t take much to get his mind into racing mode since there isn’t much in there to begin with, so he is able to finish in first place in his first race. Because Ryan Lochte has already proven to the world that he is the fastest human in the water, he wants to race something that’s faster than human beings. Dolphins. I’m pretty sure there are no winners in that race.

I know that this may come as a surprise to you, but Ryan is not the kind of guy who cooks. He’s the kind of guy who has a cook. The thing is, Ryan’s mother wants him to cook dinner for his imaginary girlfriend, Jaimee. Even though this is a very bad idea, Ryan decides to make pizza for his second time ever cooking. Unfortunately, he has no cooking utensils because they did not come with the kitchen. He calls his local pizza delivery place for cooking tips, and eventually something round and vaguely resembling a pizza comes out of the oven. When he drops Jaimee off at the airport the next morning, they decide that it is only goodbye for now, until they decide if there will be a later. In the meantime, Ryan is going to continue his relationship with the swimming pool.

Next week, Ryan gets a cast made of his chest and goes ziplining.

by