What? How is the Emmy Award winningest reality television show The Amazing Race Terrible Television? Well it’s not. Except for when it is. While it is by far the best reality television show of all time (sorry, Taylor Swift), some of the teams are comprised of terrible people. And when you take away a terrible person’s creature comforts and plunk them down in faraway places with limited funds and minimal language skills, they often do and say terrible, cringeworthy things. So while it might be a slower burn than The Real Housewives Of Wherever, TAR has the potential to be terrible, awful television.
Right out of the gate we see that this year’s Race is slightly different. For one thing, the stupid team color coding trend has thankfully fallen by the wayside, with only one or two teams opting to wear outfits that would make Michael Kors wag his finger and cackle “matchy, matchy, matchy!” Also, this may be the whitest group of contestants ever. Let’s see…white, white, white, white, orange, white, white, white, brown, white, white. Yup, this season is whiter than the National Hockey League. But most importantly, there is now an extra million dollars up for grabs. New rule! If a team wins the first and last legs of the Race, they double their money. So there’s a two million dollar prize dangling itself in front of twenty-two hungry contestants. Game on.
Okay, let’s get to the teams.
- Trey and Lexi, a dating couple from Austin Texas. He’s a football player, she’s a cheerleader, let’s all give a big, warm welcome to Team Rah Rah.
- The Twins, Natalie and Nadiya. Born in New York, raised in Sri Lanka, and living in New Jersey. Girls, you had it right the first time. It’s only the opening promo and they’re already finishing each others’ sentences. The annoyance factor with these two is off the charts.
- James and Mark, a former member of the 80s hair band White Lion and an entertainment lawyer from, you guessed it, Los Angeles. Because they are both still sporting long hair way past their prime, I have no choice but to name them Team Schlock N Roll.
- ZOMG! It’s Josh and Brent from The Fabulous Beekman Boys! Goat farmers, soap makers, and all around good eggs, if anyone deserves to win it’s these two. Sadly, I don’t expect them to last very long on the Race. Brent is a perfectionist and Josh…lacks a sense of urgency. But I do hope that we get to see Josh model walk around the globe.
- Amy and Daniel, a couple from Colorado who have been dating on and off for ten years. Amy is a double amputee, a snowboarder, and looks like a fierce competitor. Daniel…looks like he goes along with whatever Amy says. Sorry Daniel, but you are Team High Strung Wife.
- Caitlin and Brittany, best friend Blondies from the Midwest who enjoy sports, sports, and sports. Expect to see them running fast, possibly in the wrong direction.
- Rob and Sheila, an engaged couple from Tennessee. He’s a Lumberjack world champion and she refers to him as the boss of the relationship. Yes, sir!
- Gary and Will are TAR super fans and have been best friends for thirty-five years. Will is 5’1’’, Gary is 6’6”, and the two of them combined are 11’7”. Team Big and Little.
- Abbie and Ryan, dating Divorcees from San Diego. It is unclear whether they have divorced each other and are now dating, or if they divorced other people and just refer to themselves in this awkward manner that connotes failure and despair. She’s a dance instructor, he does jiu jitsu, they’re annoying and I will enjoy watching them lose miserably.
- Jaymes and James, matching Chippendales dancers. I don’t know what it is, but I’m getting a dumb beefcake vibe from these two….
- Rob and Kelley, married Monster Truckers from Georgia. They look like a nice couple who have no shot in hell of winning the Race.
The eleven teams start out on a bridge in Pasadena and must rappel down to their first product placement vehicles which they will drive to LAX and get on one of two flights to Shanghai, China. The flights land a little over one hour apart. True to form, Josh was polite and let the Monster Truckers ahead of him on line at the ticket counter, giving away the last seat on the first flight. He will now be hearing about that for the next seventeen hours.
Once in Shanghai, the first clue sends the teams to a sports stadium. Roadblock! A Roadblock is a task that only one member of the team can perform blah blah blah. The teams had to score one point against a junior ping pong champion, also known as a ten-year-old girl. To make it a little bit easier, the girl will use household items in lieu of a paddle. Team High Strung Wife arrive first, allowing Amy to unleash as much hardcore competitiveness on the small child as possible. In contrast, Monster Truckers get lost, wandering around each nook and cranny of the stadium with wheelie luggage while the other six teams from the first flight are inside completing the Roadblock.
At the stadium, the Twins are verbally abusing each other and repeatedly referring to the ten-year-old girl as “he” which made me snicker, and then feel badly for snickering, which made me snicker again. The Divorcees are the first to finish, followed by Schlock N Roll, Chippendale, Blondies, and Team High Strung Wife. This leaves the Twins alone in the stadium, yelling “why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself. Why are you hitting yourself?” at each other. After the Twins finish, Monster Truck finally finds the entrance to the stadium.
The teams receive a clue that sends them to a restaurant for another Roadblock. Eat a traditional Chinese dessert: the fallopian tubes of a frog. And you can’t use your hands—only chopsticks and your eating hole. Hmm. How to describe the meal? Wormy? The consistency of congealed brains? To this uncultured ‘murican, it looked gross. Shlock N Roll finish first, which spurred High Strung Wife on as she shoveled frog innards into her face with more intensity than a Suntory Whiskey commercial. Chippendales finishes next, then High Strung Wife, followed closely behind by Blondie.
When the Twins arrive at the restaurant, they are eating, dancing, and getting the crowd all revved up. It’s delightful, and almost makes up for their behavior at the sports stadium. As they leave, Monster Truck arrives. Mr. Monster Truck didn’t read the clue before beginning the Roadblock and ate the delicacy using his hands, which means he’s got to eat another massive serving of fallopian tubes. “Where’s my clue? What does it say? Read the rest of it!” Yeah, it’s best to read the clue before inhaling an entire plate of innards. Sigh. Rookies.
Meanwhile, the second plane of teams arrive at the sports stadium. Big and Little finish first, followed by the Beekman Boys. Josh is thrilled that he “won a sporting event…against a champion!” He will now spend the rest of the Race daydreaming about his costume for the medal ceremony.
The next clue sends teams to The Bund, an outdoor plaza, to search for a woman using an abacus. Shlock N Roll and Chippendale wander off in completely the wrong direction while Team High Strung Wife rips the clue right out of the woman’s hands, sending abacus beads flying. The clue directs teams to the pit stop at a signal tower. While High Strung Wife is asking a local for directions, the Divorcees ask her for help finding the abacus woman, and in a shocking display of stupidity, she tells them. Now it becomes a foot race for first place, which is really a foot race for the chance to win another million dollars. Team High Strung Wife gets absolutely demolished in the foot race because, well, High Strung Wife doesn’t have any feet. The Divorcees glide into first place, having beat a double amputee to the mat by mere seconds, and will heretofore be known in polite circles as The Two Million Dollar Team, and in impolite circles as The Cripple Crushers.
Blondies find the clue and run for the pit stop next, and Chippendales, who have not yet found the woman with the abacus, follow them all the way up to the watch tower. When they see Phil, they turn around in shame. Schlock N Roll are also completely lost, wandering into local shops to ask if they have an abacus. The Twins, however, make a beeline for the clue and are next to check in with Phil.
Meanwhile, the rest of the teams are enjoying their frog guts. Lumberjack finishes and decides that they have to find a woman counting. A local sends them to Bank of China which is a cab ride away in the wrong direction. Big and Little finish next, followed by The Beekman Boys.
Monster Truck finishes the leg in fifth place, followed by Shlock N Roll and The Beekman Boys. Lumberjack finally finds the plaza and walks right past the woman with the abacus. Big and Little get the clue and run into Chippendales. Rather than help them out, they send them in the other direction while they head for the pit stop and check in as team number eight. That leaves Team Rah Rah, the Lumberjacks, and Chippendales, all of whom find the clue at about the same time. Team Rah Rah checks in as team number nine, and the Lumberjacks and Chippendales race for the last spot. Chippendales used their magical muscles to blaze right past the Lumberjacks and become team number ten, eliminating the Lumberjacks from the race.
What have we learned from this first episode of Season 247? 1) Never let anyone ahead of you at the airport; 2) Always read your clues first; 3) China takes ping pong very, very seriously; 4) Frogs have fallopian tubes; and 5) If you want to win a foot race, it helps to have feet.
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