The Amazing Race, Episode 5: Get Our Groove On

The Amazing Race Get Our Groove On Neptune Statues

This week on The Amazing Race the teams have been racing for about thirty hours and must travel by ferry and airplane to Poland. The ferry doesn’t leave until the evening, which gives all of the teams time to catch up, and it’s a thirty-four hour boat ride. I Hate You Too secretly gave the Express Pass to the Doctors in the hopes that the other teams will continue sucking up to them in the hopes of winning their prize. Kind of smart, but I want them to get stuck in customs. Or a luggage compartment.

Once in Poland, the teams race to Solidarity Square in the town of Gdansk. They receive a clue that sends them to the Golden Gate. Detour! Pose, or Polka. In Pose, teams must copy the stance of a statue of Neptune and collect enough money to receive their next clue. In Polka, they dance.  The Oil Riggers, Doctors, and Massholes choose to polka and the Golddiggers choose to pose because it is the perfect task for them—just stand around and be useless and apparently whine, “It’s really hard, I’m like shaking.”

The Beardos arrive at the posing task just as the Golddiggers are finishing. Meanwhile, I Hate You Too, the LaLas, and the Cousins get lost on the way to Solidarity Square and fall behind the rest of the teams. That’s good for the dancers because the task takes a long time. The Massholes finish it first followed by the Doctors, and the Oil Riggers.

The Massholes arrive at the Double U-Turn first and decide not to U-Turn anyone. They receive a clue to go to the longest apartment building in Poland to search for their next clue. Meanwhile, the Golddiggers run past the clue box about a dozen times and for some reason they cross the river. This lets I Hate You Too get to the Double U-Turn first after using their Express Pass, but they don’t U-Turn anyone since they can’t figure out who is behind them. When they finally find the clue box, the Golddiggers also opt out of the U-Turn. Do these people not realize that this is a race? Finally, the Oil Riggers step up to the Double U-Turn and use it on the Cousins.

The longest apartment building in Poland is the longest apartment building I’ve ever seen. It looks about twelve city blocks long. Teams must search the complex for a rose filled Polish pastry called a Paczki, tasting the doughnuts at each apartment they visit. This sounds awful. Just terrible. I would not want to taste doughnuts. Nope. This is the worst task ever. True story, I used to have a Polish cleaning lady who would leave me a rose paczki doughnut every week. So I would come home to a clean apartment and delicious little puff of powdered sugar pastry. At first I was worried that she was trying to Flowers In The Attic me (sigh, Google it), but no. She was just being nice.

The Amazing Race Get Our Groove On POlka Dancing

Anyway, back to the race. The Doctors finish the task first and receive a clue to search Sopot Pier, the longest wooden pier in Europe, for the pit stop. I Hate You Too pulls ahead and checks in as Team Number One, with the Massholes checking in second and the Doctors checking in third.

When the Cousins see that they have been U-Turned, they U-Turn the Beardos since they are the only team that they are certain are still behind them on the course.  The Cousins are the ideal Neptune statues, begging for money loudly and comically. The Beardos, on the other hand, well, this just isn’t their thing. They are quiet and timid and their arms are tired from dancing, and they fall farther and farther behind.

The Golddiggers check in fourth, the Oil Riggers fifth, the Cousins are expert doughnut eaters and earn a spot as Team Number Seven, and the LaLas bring up the almost rear as Team Number Eight. That leaves the Beardos as the last team to arrive and they are sadly and solemnly eliminated from the race.

Next week on The Amazing Race, singing and cab stealing in Vienna.

Reprinted from

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