Joe Gorga is digging a pit using “the good dirt,” and..is that a leg sticking out of the ground? No matter. Joe Gorga and Melissa are going to be on a billboard for Shnizzle Tan, which is hilarious since I’m not sure who would voluntarily turn their skin that particular shade of Real Housewives Orange.

Caroline is gossiping about the retreat with Jacqueline when Melissa arrives. Blah blah blah, tweets, twits, twats, and Melissa breaks the news to Jacqueline that everyone hugged it out. And, Teresa pinky sweared to Caroline that she would call Jacqueline, so that’s going to happen. Caroline’s deadbeat sons are building out their restaurant which involves an ice cream sundae with a shovel in it, so perfect. Afterwards, they show up at Caroline’s apartment like stray cats begging for a can of tuna. Caroline calls them workaholics which is funny because standing around a construction site and wearing a t-shirt with a giant logo of your gross bottled water is not “work.” Later, Number One Son Albie has a tawk with Caroline. He feels a lot of pressure from his parents to achieve something. Anything, really. So back off, Caroline! He’s just a kid in his late 20s!

Joe Gorga, Melissa, and their herd of children arrive at Teresa’s for dinner. Like a perfect houseguest, Melissa tells Teresa to be on her best behavior for the sake of the kids. They talk about Joe Gorga’s upcoming photo shoot for Shnizzle Tans, a very important tanning salon of the highest quality, Teresa toasts to chi chi, and Melissa turns the conversation towards Jacqueline. Sigh. Can’t these people even have one quiet dinner? Thankfully, Joe Guidice tells everyone to shut the heck up because he can’t hear it anymore. You know, if someone had told me that Joe Guidice would be the voice of reason on this show, I would’ve called them crazier than Teresa’s hairline. Yet here we are.

Melissa is done writing her book and now is the fun part—the cover photoshoot. After makeup is applied with a palette knife and then it’s time for the fans. No, not those kind of fans. Wind machine. Meanwhile, Joe Gorga is oiled up and ready for his own photoshoot for Shnizzle Tans. He looks like a cross between Patrick Swayze playing a Chippendale’s dancer on Saturday Night Live, and Chris Farley playing a Chippendale’s dancer on Saturday Night Live.

Kathy, Rich, Joe Gorga, and Melissa go to singles night at a lesbian bar in New York City with Rosie at a bar that Rich dubs “The Clam Hut.” There are wristbands depending upon your status: Single, D.T.F., Taken, and It’s Complicated. They meet bisexuals, swingers, and one single lesbian bored out of her skull at Rosie’s drunken yammering. Sorry Rosie, but she’s not calling.

When Jacqueline finally spends time with one of her kids, she ends up abandoning him in a toy store to take a call from Teresa. “You know, I just want the hate to stop.” Jacqueline invites Teresa over to get everything off of her chest, but Teresa is afraid of Chez Jacqueline and insists upon a neutral restaurant.

Everybody drives their respective families past Joe Gorga’s billboard for Shnizzle Tan on their way to the showdown between Teresa and Jacqueline at a restaurant filled with unwitting patrons. Thankfully, the restaurant provided them with a private room. The conversation is riveting. “I like your top.” “Uh, I’ll have a cabernet, but give me a good one.” “It’s f*cking f*cked up.” “You should apologize for that.” “What the f*ck is a sociopath? Like a crazy person?” “You’re the one who tweets when you go on your tweet rampage.” “I’ve always done everything to help you.”

Next week, more of this crap, and children on a stripper pole.

image: bravotv.com

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Ugh, this again? Teresa’s still dolphin-squeaking, Joe Gorga’s hair is still dripping down his forehead, and Doctor V. is still picking at a festering sore. That’s both a metaphor, and entirely literal. 

Doctor V. adds Melissa to the mix and suggests that Melissa and Teresa spend quality time together. Blah blah blah, Jacqueline, Kim D., tweets, and Doctor V. very accurately calls Teresa “a dumbass.” Melissa decides to swallow her pride (obligatory swallow joke) and make up with Teresa. They hug, it’s awkward, and then Doctor V. wants to speak with Joe Guidice.

“Hi, how are you?” “Drunk, very drunk.” “Do you find yourself often, Joe, getting dragged into the quarrels?” HAVE YOU NEVER WATCHED THE SHOW, DOCTOR V.? Joe Gorga steps in, and it’s like two cans of ham talking to each other. “You like sawlt?” “Yeah, I like sawlt. You like a little peppuh?” “Yeah, peppuh’s good.” They hug it out, and everyone goes back to their cocktails.

Outside, there’s a snowball fight in the works. Doctor V. waves goodbye. She’s on her way to meet Steve and Stephanie so that they can collaborate on a tell-all an doesn’t have a moment to spare. Kathy is pissed because she didn’t get in on the therapy session. Whatever, Kathy. You’re lucky that you’re even on this show. Instead of taking a high road, or any other road, Kathy plows straight into Teresa and demands an apology for the things Teresa said about Kathy’s father. Surprisingly, Teresa apologizes because, ”awls I care about is us, I do wanna move forward.” Momentum lost, no Kathy-Teresa-catfight-battle plotline.

In a desperate attempt to stir up trouble, Caroline calls Jacqueline to fill her in on the details. Jacqueline explains that she doesn’t want that in her life. No, she wants Buddha, and points to her bedazzled Buddha t-shirt. If she shouted, “I’m om-ing!” I would’ve smashed my teevee.

Somehow, Rosie, Rich, and Joe Gorga end up ice fishing on a lake. This leaves the ladies back at the “castle” making cocktails and dinner. Melissa worries about burning her eyelashes, so she lets Teresa and Kathy take the lead while she swigs vodka straight from the bottle. These ladies are nothing if not classy, which is to say they are nothing. The Joes, Rich, and Rosie roll in and the drinks reach a heightened pitch. Somehow, Joe Giudice and Teresa speak to each other in a language that is either Italian, or Pig Latin. Or, both.

Because they’re drunk, everyone starts doing “trust falls.” Because they’re complete idiots, they do it in front of a roaring fireplace. Sadly, everyone walks away unscathed.

Next week, swingers and more sh*t-stirring with Jacqueline.

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Last week ended with Joe Gorga using his head as a battering ram into Joe Giudice’s voluminous gut because Joe Gorga called Teresa “scum.” This week isn’t much better. “Teresa, help your brother!” Teresa runs out of the room yelling, “Call the cops!” Someone says, “He’s biting my nuts,” elbows are being thrown, for some reason Melissa rushes over to put Joe Gorga’s hat back on his thick head. Then, the women start shrieking at each other while team builders Steve and Stephanie silently circle the room, waiting for an opportunity to introduce trust exercises.

Rich tries to calm Joe Gorga down, and Teresa takes Joe Guidice to his room. On his way out, Joe Gorga offers advice to the team builders: Hey guys, that’s how you deal with trash, you have to become trash. Stephanie, you might want to jot that one down. Melissa also has some deep insight: Saddam Hussein, that’s someone’s brother too, that doesn’t mean he’s a good person.  

According to Melissa, Joe Gorga has a heart of gold, and all he wants is his family. Oh I can totally see that, the man is an absolute teddy bear. Well, with everyone in their own rooms and the booze flowing, they decide to stay for the rest of the night. Then Rich goes to talk to Teresa. That doesn’t go so well and results in Rosie shouting, “We’re all family over here!”

Meanwhile, Melissa and Joe Gorga are crying in their bed like a coked up scene from Casino. For some reason, Rosie decides to bring Teresa over to Joe Gorga’s room so that the two of them can tawk. But Melissa won’t leave and Joe Gorga won’t look at Teresa, so Teresa goes squeaking back to Kathy’s room.

Aaaaand it’s Steve and Stephanie! “You guys have a tremendous amount of passion.” Oh hahaha, that’s cute. Steve recommends everyone “let it rest” and see how it goes tomorrow. He then bro hugs Joe Gorga, which was like watching a gazelle give a lion a belly rub.

Okay, mystery solved. After the fight, everyone had black gunk all over them, like shoe polish or very heavy mascara. Turns out it was from Joe Gorga’s hair—he sprays it with black hairspray, which is why Melissa was rushing to put his hat back on his head before FEMA showed up to clean the cast like oil-slicked pelicans.

While the rest of the family has dinner in the dining room, Joe Guidice and Teresa have “sexytime.” Or as Teresa calls it, “browchickabrowchow.” I never, ever wanted to see the two of these buffoons marinating in a bubble-free bubble bath, but there you have it. Ugh. Pass the brain bleach….

The next morning, the champagne is flowing and Rosie has hope that Doctor V. can succeed where Steve and Stephanie failed. Teresa calls Caroline to ask for help. Caroline knows it’s bad because Teresa never asks for help. “The last thing I wanted to do was go up to Lake George and get involved in the family drama. But….” Oh look! Her bag is already packed.

Doctor V. arrives disguised as a stripper and explains that she’s Italian where it matters, in her vagina. So she’s a classy kind of doctor.  Doctor V. surmises that everything Teresa says is “misinterpreted,” so at a certain point Teresa has to acknowledge her role. Melissa then goes down memory lane with Teresa calling her a stripper and cheating on her husband and the prior day’s fiasco….

In a one-on-one session with Doctor V., Joe Gorga says that he no longer wants to try to fix the situation. He then tells Teresa that he doesn’t want to fight anymore, and he needs more time away. Talking, talking, squeaking, crying, and Joe Gorga and Teresa hug it out.

Meanwhile, Caroline rolls in.  And apparently this was not the season finale, because they’re all still trapped in the “castle” for another week.

Photo: bravotv.com

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The show opens with Melissa teaching her three children how to dance like strippers as she and Joe Gorga pack for the big retreat. Joe Gorga only wants to go so that he can confront Teresa, which seems like a totally healthy way to approach family counseling. Kathy and Rich have no idea why they were even invited in the first place, so they pack extra booze. The only person who seems to really want to be there is Rosie, so good on her.

Everyone other than Teresa and Joe Guidice are getting to the retreat via party bus, complete with a stripper pole.  Well, everyone other than Caroline, who has decided that she doesn’t need to make amends with Teresa. And Jacqueline, who says she would rather get all of her lips waxed. So essentially it’s a monstrous bus for five people, because that’s not at all wasteful.

Teresa and Joe Guidice arrive first and are greeted by the Innkeeper who is clearly unfamiliar with the Real Housewives franchise because he is “very, very excited about having you guys here.” When the remainder of the guests arrive, Teresa shows everyone around the “castle,” as if it’s her own home. It’s a good sign that everyone immediately starts drinking, right?

Lunch is awkwardly quiet until Rosie explains the activities planned for the weekend. The first part of the counseling is lead by team builders who will coax everyone into getting along with each other. Then, Doctor V. will teach communication.

Team builders Steve and Stephanie arrive all hopeful and cheery, completely unaware of the level of insanity they are up against. Steve explains the process, causing everyone to zone out. Then he leads a strange version of musical chairs that involves a lot of groping. Melissa notes that Joe Guidice was really into the game because his brain could understand the concept of what they were doing.

Even though Jacqueline chose not to attend, Teresa finds a way to make it all about Jacqueline. Steve tries to switch the focus back to the people who are in attendance, and Stephanie goes to her happy place. There’s yelling and screeching from Teresa and Melissa, Rosie and Joe Guidice step out onto the balcony for a glass of brown liquid on the rocks, Steve has completely lost control of the group, and Stephanie is updating her resume.

Fighting, fighting, fighting, Joe Gorga calls Teresa scum, Teresa goes out to the balcony to tell Joe Guidice that Joe Gorga called her scum, Joe Gorga storms back into the “castle” and demands an apology from Joe Guidice, and Joe Guidice barrels into Joe Gorga like an angry bull. Punching, hitting, shrieking, and Stephanie files a hostile work environment claim.

Next week, even more fisticuffs!

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