It’s the twenty-seventh season of Survivor, with the first episode airing thirteen years ago. And I’ve watched every last one. All of them. Even that really boring season where they kept the contestants in a fenced in pen in the middle of Kenya, or that other really boring season where nobody fought with anyone. So when Survivor decides to switch up the format a bit, I get a little nervous because do not ruin my show, Jeff Probst! And this is one of those seasons.
Instead of arriving on the beach (because it’s always a beach these days) alone and afraid, ten sets of castaways arrive two-by-two at ten separate locations. Since when do people get to bring their loved ones on Survivor? Since now, because it’s Blood vs. Water. Oh, and ten of those contestants are former Survivorites.
So who do we have here? Gervase! From season one! And his niece Marissa. Kat, who has that very special combination of stupid and crazy, plus her boyfriend Hayden who was on Big Brother. Great. Camera whores. There’s Laura who I don’t remember and someone named Sierra. Rupert OMG OMG OMG RUPERT! And his wife Laura! True story, I once sent Rupert a holiday card and he mailed me back an autographed Xerox of his 8 x 10 headshot. I probably still have it somewhere….Colton who is not a very nice person and his fiancé Caleb. Candice who I also don’t remember and her husband John, and they’re both doctors for what that’s worth. Monica and her famous football husband Brad Culpepper who is already acting like such a Brad. Tina, who won the second season of Survivor in Australia, and her daughter Katie. Tyson the bizarre contestant who voted himself out and his girlfriend Rachel. And there’s Aras, winner of Survivor Panama: Exile Island, and his brother Vytas. You do not even want to know what autocorrect does with those names.
The weird thing is, I have no idea where this season takes place. All Jeff Probst says is that the pairs are dropped off in the jungle somewhere along the Luzon Strait. A little Googling reveals that the Luzon Strait extends for more than 200 miles and travels between Taiwan and the Philippines. So…yeah. That’s not very helpful at all, Probst. Anyway, the pairs have one night alone with nothing. No supplies, no camp, no fire. This is Survivor old school style. Let’s do this thing!
After roughing it in the jungle, the pairs arrive on a beautiful beach at sunrise and learn that they will be competing against their loved ones. Jeff splits them into teams of returning players (Galang) and new players (Tadhana), and it’s game on. And right there on the beach before even an ounce of competition gets going, each tribe must vote someone off. Huh. And like that, the noobs vote out Rupert’s wife, Laura, and the returning players vote out Candice. But switcheroo! Laura and Candice are voted out their tribes, but they are not out of the game. It’s off to Redemption Island, where they will compete in duels for a chance to get back into the game. Then Jeff Probst drops one last bomb. He gives Rupert a chance to switch places with his wife. Rupert takes Jeff up on the offer. Uh, what? Dumb move, Rupert! Candice and John confer and decide to stay put right where they are, so Candace will leave the game.
The teams go to their respective sides of the island and unpack meager boxes of supplies. Coconuts are hacked, fires are started, water is boiled, and the returning players have this down to a science. So how are the noobs doing? They’ve got brawn, they’ve got gumption, they’ve got a shelter going, but where’s the fire? Fire is life, blah blah blah. The boys find a pretty waterfall and frolic for a while before forming a Dude Alliance, which I’m calling a Dalliance because that’s much better. Brad says that they have the numbers, but math is hard when you’ve spent your career getting tackled, and “four with nine equals out, but five with nine equals ten.”
As the sun starts to dip low in the sky, the noobs realize that it’s really hard to make a fire, and a fire is a really important thing to make. Meanwhile, the returning players are having a feel-good get-to-know-you around a roaring campfire. And over on Redemption Island, Candice is trying to stay “healthy and hydrated” so that she can beat Rupert. She is already annoyed with him because he has two modes: sleep, and float in the water. I’m a little unclear as to why Candice is doing all of the work instead of, you know, not do all of the work, but good for Rupert. Save your energy while your competitor spends hers serving you.
Tree Mail! Something about running and jumping and swimming and paddling and pieces to assemble…it’s a mixed bag of the usual Survivor fare. The teams are playing for immunity and flint, and the idol looks like it was carved in the 1970s and used to have a lamp sticking out of the top. The returning players are struggling in the water and lack teamwork. Also, I seem to remember something about Gervase not knowing how to swim so good, and despite having had thirteen years to practice, he needs Aras help him through the course. Once the returning players haul Gervase into a boat, they have a tough time paddling a straight line and end up paddling in circles. Puzzle, puzzle, puzzle, and the returning players blaze past the noobs to win the challenge.
Back at camp, the newbie dudes are trying to sort out which “girl” to vote out. Brad the math wizard weighs his options and decides that either Katie or Marissa should go because they are both connected with the other tribe. It’s almost like you can see the brain juice seep out of his ears when he talks. Once they are at Tribal Council, Marissa comes under fire because Gervase celebrated the win a bit too much, which seems like a very weird reason to vote someone out. Katie is also on the chopping block since she performed poorly on the puzzle. And with that, Marissa is the first person voted out of Survivor. Have I mentioned how white the tribes are? Whiter than coconut innards. Well, goodbye, Marissa. Go kick some butt over at Redemption Island.
Next week, Colton can’t handle being nice for long stretches of time, and it’s the first duel at Redemption Island.
Photos: cbs.com
Reprinted with permission from www.travelfreak.com
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